Ah, Good ole' Health Insurance

I'm feeling pretty damned good these days. Energetic, not sick and not at all pregnant. Bad sign? Good sign? Lucky sign? I tend to question these things too much, I think.
My insurance seems to be rectified for now. Health insurance in this country is awful... for many reasons. My latest rant - computerized systems. Please tell me WHY my health insurance provider took 13 days to send my new card (the head quarters is approximately 3.5 miles from my home). But this is my rant.
Then tell me why it took an additional 11 days to then send me a letter that says I have 5 business days to declare all my "pre-existing conditions - excluding pregnancy". For all other ailments, I'll have a "6 month waiting period."
What? What? WHAT?
I had this insurance with my previous employer and I even paid cobra up until the new employer's health care kicked in. Before THAT, I had this health care provider under Rob's name. Before THAT, I had this health care provider under my name. And before THAT,... we were in NC with a sister insurance provider who transferred all my info... so I'd have no waiting periods. I've been covered for over 3 years +.
So when I get home after work on Friday to a letter like this (and I'm hormonal as hell), I loose it. Yes, yes, yes - it does say something about "excluding pregnancy" but contained within all that jargon, ... it really does not make you feel positive that pregnancy IS covered.
And besides, I haven't been to the doctor yet. According to MY calculations, we conceived in the last days of October. That's when I was under Cobra. Would this qualify as a pre-existing condition? Would it not be covered since it was under another policy? Ack! I go freaking nuts (yes, I am truly sorry Rob).
So, after my full blown melt-down Friday night... I called at 8AM this morning. Turns out I got the calmest man ever - he sounded like Denzel Washington. Thank God, too,... I man who didn't have his wits about him would have been slaughtered in my war path this morning. But his calm ultimately calmed me and we got to the bottom of it.
Turns out that this health insurance company - like many - uses computers. And somehow, despite the millions of dollars they rape from my paycheck, they still manage to not know how to use the said computers. They not only cover 10% of my needs at any given time (for a variety of pre-determined reasonings) but they also maintain 5% of my records. Its really silly considering they can pull up my file in a nano second and tell me WHY a particular procedure is not covered. But, damned if they can't find my paper trail of all the bills I've paid (let's see, 3 years would be about $14,400 in monthly bills - give or take. No kidding, we pay about $375 - $450 a month, do the math). They have a list of itemized reasons why something isn't covered or how much I still owe my doctor from a visit 3 months ago... but these guys can't see that on October 31 I had the same insurance through another company and switched on November 1. And the truly scary part, I told him my social security number, which, is also my policy number, and he found it no problem. What the fuck number was the guy using when he sent me that letter on Friday?

I'm a B*tch & Its the Baby's Fault

Hormonal, yes. Absolute sudden melt-downs at the drop of a hat, yes. What else is new?
No - really - for those who have not yet witnessed my war-path... its awful. And the worst part, I don't even care. I could snap of your head in one short sentence and it doesn't make me feel a thing. No regrets, remourse or guilt. I am aware of it to some degree and I do try and apologize after-the-fact, but it isn't truly sincere. How can it be... when I really don't care about how I just made you feel. How can you be sincere when you can't even feel remourse?
Yesterday was a rather nice creshendo to my crazies. At least, I hope it was. 'Cause if I continue on THIS path without people knowing WHY I'm like this... I'll have no friends to tell that I'm pregnant when the time is right!
*sigh*, all those things you read about bitchiness being a pregnancy sign is so very true. Poor Rob, maybe this is nature's way of preparing you for the labor in which I will probably rip off your arm and beat you with it. A way of toughing you up for the real stuff later on. Its got to serve some purpose other than driving your mate away.
But hey, at least I guess nice huge t*ts out of all of this.

You're only first-time pregnant once

So I figured, "Why not?" and decided to take advantage of iVillage's free daily pregnancy calendar. The baby is far from cute and still resembles something that looks like a carcinogen. Then again, maybe he takes after his father.
(click ahead to Rob's birthday - the 23rd of November. It magically begins to look human that day!)

Interesting sidenote - most of these girlie sites refer to the baby as a "she". I find it interesting that to sooth crazy, hormonal pregnant woman they refer to their unborn as being a girl.

Some days pregnant, Some days not.

6 weeks
I should be at or around 6 weeks. I don't go to the doctor for another 2 weeks and he'll confirm this ('cause we all know I've been reading up on this stuff to the point where I could almost be my own OB/GYN).
They say morning sickness (MS) kicks in around this time. This is the time the baby is sharing its system with mine and its HcG levels are wrecking havoc on me. As a result, we (all pregos) upchuck. Yesterday, was awful. No actual puking but - ick, I felt quesy.
I have tried to eat things A. healthy for me, B. filling and C. something that lasts a long time and doesn't leaving me starving 2 hours later.
Yesterday morning I ate an English muffin (carbs to sooth/fill the stomach) with peanut butter (protein to last all morning) and a huge glass of strawberry milk (calcium to avoid having the baby rob me of my teeth a year from now... and strawberry to make it taste better. Milks OK but c'mon, its milk.). I got to work and felt a little shitty within the hour. Maybe I ate too much? Maybe this combo was not a good one for me? Maybe nothing will be great for me in the next few weeks since I am at the MS stage? Maybe, maybe, maybe. This crap is all a learning process. All you read about is stale gingerale, anything ginger and plain crackers at this time. Maybe I need to start considering this route. But yesterday, my MS was ALL day. Bleech!
Its not even this feeling of wanting to puke all the time. It migrates and changes shape every hour. One minute I'm fine, the next I have a cold sweat as I calculate the distance from my chair to the bathroom stall.
I went out to lunch with my team since it was my supervisor's birthday. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and we all ordered salads. If you haven't been before - the place looks very cool, is a little pricey (but that's because they give you proportions large enough for 12 people) and the service is S-L-O-W.
I was starving so I dove into my Cobb salad (no, not ranch dressing - I chose Balsamic vineagrette to be slighty more healthy). I ate half (again, ginormous proportions) and pushed myself back. I spent the rest of the day and night feeling like hell.
All that healthy salad must have all led to gas cause I felt like I gained 10 lbs in one day. I wanted to cry. I was so uncomfortable. I'll never giggle at the thought of someone with IBS having gas ever again. Its horrible.
So today? Better so far. I had a half cup of coffee - fuck it, the caffeine for the last 17 years has made me regular and on time. (I needed to be back on that scedule!)... and a bowl of cereal. Maybe today's formula will work better?
Here's hoping. Cause 6 more weeks of this - is slow murder.

Signs of pregnancy

Kids and babies cry at my very sight. No - really - they do. B & A didn't believe me this past March when I went to visit their newly born baby girl. I hold the bay... she squirms and cries. It was truly a sight. Mom's telling me to prop her up more, dad's telling me to bounce her... I felt like this horribly unnatural beast incapable of handling small humans. I felt like an idiot... like a stupid caveman (sorry Geico cavemen, I know you've come a long way). I handed her over to K (also childless) and the baby was happy & calm as could be. I think B & A felt sorry for me and came up with all kinds of excuses... I'm used to it, really I am. I just hate it when people do not believe me when I tell them that kids HATE. ME. Its OK. At least they love Rob... its cool to watch him play around.
I used to have kids swarm to me until I was about 20. I think I started giving off some sort of repellent at that time... kids began shrinking back in horror at my very sight. At the time, it was great. I was always the one playing with them but wanting to hang out with the adults. (Its stange being an only child. You're never quite a child nor an adult so you go through some awkward stages). So, their fear was my delight. Now that I'm almost 30 though, it makes you feel like something may be wrong with you. Like you are the Grinch.
But since I've become pregnant - I think I'm radiating a new energy. Kids smiling when I talk to them, actually grabbing my hand while walking and wanting to talk to me. Maybe its a pheromone they can smell. Can adults? Does anyone out there know yet?

Body Issues

On Wednesday night I had that little freak out about weight. No - I don't have a problem getting a belly - can't really help that part of the equation, right? But I am so worried about the fat face, fat flabby biceps, and chunk thighs. People don't call them birthing hips and wide, flat mommy asses for nothing. This shit came from someone turning into all of this.
I was always slender and could eat anything I wanted growing up. It sleighs me that I'm getting older... I have gray hairs and belly flab. I want to just get a small belly and have people tell me I look fabulous ... cause I do... not cause they can see the former thin chick crying inside. *sigh*, and a lot of it really is out of your control. It really is. When you are on this side of the fence - you see it.
I don't know if I have gained any weight yet. I go to the Dr. on Dec 6th and we'll see then. I had actually just gone in for my annual check-up one week before conceiving so I will be one of those RARE women who not only know the exact date of conception but really will know her true base weight.
Thursday I was getting over the weight thing a little. I have to. I have cut out all sodas and caffeine (OK, today I had about 1/4 a cup of coffee and it was plenty. I think I needed it). I've also really cut down on the sweets although people seem to be shoving them in my face these days. And I know Christmas cookies are just waiting on the horizon. But you have to watch things EARLY - cause there is no going back.
I get nauseous on occasion and have had my moments where I thought I'd toss up a full stomach but, nothing so far. They say morning sickness (vomiting) is a sign of a healthy pregnancy (which, I truly think is the same bullshit used on brides getting married on a rainy day)... but all I know is... its your last chance to keep your weight in check before porking down 5 meals a day like I've been able to.

Starving

I'm a little more than worried. I really do not want to become one of those fat girls. The ones that gain 60lbs with their first baby. That's great that you are excited and all. That you find this as a fantastic excuse to "treat" yourself daily throughout your pregnancy. To indulge your every whim because now is when its cute to be heavy. But shit, who are we kidding here? I find it all rather shocking and borderline crazy.
But here I am, not even halfway through the first trimester, and I am constantly starving. I'm ravenous. Its so scary. Scary enough for me to cry. Cry that I simply cannot control it or do a damned thing about it. I'm trying my best to keep myself well fed. I gave up caffeine. I've been eating oatmeal for breakfast (today I might try more protein as in peanut butter on toast). I eat grapes all day. I'm eating spinach salads. I've been drinking and eating sugar free things... And I haven't been eating candy very often.
Normally people barf up everything they eat the first three months. I like bulemic paradise. Me? I have dreams of an old Italian telling me "Manga! Manga!" when sleep.
I am completely. Freaking. Out.

*yawn*

Today I'm slightly more peppy. Let's just say that I didn't want to break down in a fit full of tears at 4PM because I couldn't take the extreme exhaustion anymore. And yes, that did happen yesterday.
Today's excruiciating headache was worse than yesterday, though. Standing up would cause a sudden shift in my blood's gravity...cause my head to throb. At one point - I saw those points of flashing light you see with an oncoming migrane. Its all right behind the front of my left eye, too. I suffered through till 11AM when I finally caved for 1 aspirin. It didn't subside till the end of the day. Maybe I'm allergic to work. Maybe its the fact that I have also decided to quit caffeine cold turkey. God, am I fucking stupid or what? I'm going to try coffee tomorrow morning... after my 72hrs of being "dry". I bet I'm doing cartwheels out to the car.

I'm actually doubting that I am pregnant. I don't feel it. Rob laughs at me when I call to tell him this. I'm wondering if I should buy another test. But I'm also too lazy to go to a store to buy a test. Rob tells me this is why he knows I'm pregnant - cause I'm too lazy to play into my crazy tendencies. Maybe he's right.
I almost tossed my cookies this morning (there was nothing to toss) after a small coughing fit. Nothing happened. Other than that, I don't feel this scary morning sickness I have been VERY fearful of having kick in. Am I lucky? Am I on the fringe to this wave hitting me? Am I not even knocked up?
I asked my mom about this no-morning-sickness = not prego, theory. She tells me she never threw up. She said some things didn't sound good to her and she hardly ate... but that the woman held on to the content of her stomach the entire time. Maybe I come from an iron stomach family... this would make sense. I generally don't upchuck (Ok, yes, a few times in the not so distant past I would drink too much and ultimately spill out the last drink I had... but other than that, no flu bugs, no food allergies, no food poisonings - maybe once 10 years ago, no sickening roller coasters...). I'm generally the one who sweats things out if I feel queasy. But, I haven't even felt that.
Maybe I'm just contracting the cold going around hence the tiredness and headaches?

T-I-R-E-D

Driving home yesterday, I was a little worried. Is this all real? Am I just "making" me pass a pregnancy test? Can I actually will things like that? Rob knows I'm getting this way. He's worried the opposite way - that I'll actually will myself to have a period because I'm that much of a doubting Thomas.
Rob is shockingly into all of this. He's the only one who reads this blog (so far) so it will be a matter of hours before he reads this entry. But Rob, its really amazing how excited you are about all of this. I know you've surprised yourself, too. I think we are both pretty excited, which, for me, is beginning to make me nervous like something will go wrong and I'm going to be so deflated. I'm also trying not to think about stuff like that so that I don't "will" it to happen. Its all easier said than done.
I napped in the car en route home yesterday. Curled up and konked out for half an hour... with my sunglasses on...made the most excellent mark on my face when I stopped at a rest stop.
I got home and napped more, too. I'm so dopey. I feel like I've been out all night camping the night before. I lounged in bed starting as early as 5:30PM (is this pathetic?). I snoozed from 8:30-10PM, completely missed the one show I was planning to watch (oh well). I got up, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed.
This morning I actually felt a little quesy. Maybe that's in my head.
I'm off to work...

And baby makes three.

I'm addicted to this website.
I actually found this website during on of my many searches for baby blogs, ttc sites (trying to conceive) and medical sites telling you what to expect if you think you are pregnant. I found it absolutely fascinating how every 24 hours something magical happens. The first 3 months are so intense (in terms of development). Science amazes me.
We drove to Greensboro last night. We had planned this weekend many weekends earlier... a Peanuts exhibit is on display at Wake Forest University and this was the last weekend. The timing was pretty awesome for telling my folks, in person, that they'd be grandparents of a grandchild instead of just the grand-dogs.
Rob bought a pack of 5 plain onesies at Target and we decided to create a unique one for our announcement. We ended up with "I (heart) my grandma and grandpa" with a Rob original illustration of a baby.
We exchanged ideas via email while I was at work.
Rob kept choosing pink as the major color - I thought this was noteworthy.
The final result was very damned cute. I folded it up in a red chinese take-out box and handed it to my mom saying, "This is something Rob and I have been working on." It took her a second - I knew it would. And then she exclaimed, "I knew it!"
My parents are, of course, very excited.
My mom, of course, is frustrated she cannot tell anyone.
It's too soon. What if something goes wrong? The first doctor appointment isn't until Dec 6th (the day before we leave to drive home for Ohio for "Christmas" with the family). After that goes well *fingers crossed*, then I think we can begin to make the announcement.
Years ago, I knew someone who told everyone she was pregnant very early on. She then lost the baby within the next few weeks while on a trip to the beach with another couple. She had to come back and get a DNC at the end of the trip. After leaving people behind elated with thier news - they came back to condolences. That sounds awful. I'd hate to experience that.
Besides, it will be so cool to tell my dad's mother that she'll be a great grandmother when we go home. That news will be way more exciting in person.
We'll see if my mother can survive Thanksgiving without telling my aunt the news. I bet she breaks. She's already upset that we'll tell our friends on Thanksgiving. Hell, if I'm not attending an event with a cocktail or wine in hand - it will speak up for me. So, get ready Kelly... you've got some news coming your way soon.

Testing, Testing... Is this real?

I didn't sleep at all last night.
Yesterday's events moved like an intense "stages of acceptance". Denial, shock, acceptance, giddiness, seriousness, doubt, panic, calm.... and that was just the 7 minutes I was on the phone telling Rob.
My biggest panics right now are health care (but I think I'm OK) and my job.
I am, afterall, brand new at my company. I've been there for 6 weeks now. And, the worst part, ...I'm a temp. They told me they'd sign me on fulltime in the spring. But, after this news - they might not. And then what?!. I'm the breadwinner with the steady income. Oh God, my head spins. I didn't want to be pregnant and panicked throughout the whole thing.
But then again, it is me and I was bound to find ANYTHING to freak out about.
I took the second test today. Same result. Do I bother with the blood test? Its like asking another party to confirm, "Yup, this here is 2 lines. Your pregnant."
I'm wearing my "Citizens for Humanity" designer jeans that I decided to SPLURGE on last year - no time like the present to wear everything I can!

Are you sitting down?

My friend and I always talked about the magical way we would someday tell our husbands that we were pregnant. She would give him a wrapped gift containing a onesie with dad's favorite on it (I'll spare details so the surprise won't be ruined in the future).
I always thought I'd make Rob a rack of baby back ribs, cooked baby carrots (yes, he likes them), new potatoes and baby spinach salad on the side. In the middle of dinner - I'd tell him there was a theme to tonight's dinner. Knowing he'd never get this, I'd begin telling him the menu, little by little, till he picked it up along the way. The fantasy continues with him choking a bit..and gasping, "REALLY?" and a huge happiness would fill the room like sunlight and I'd somehow be spun around in a circles while we embraced gleefully.
Enter reality.
I'm surrounded by pregnant people. D just had a girl 3 weeks ago, T is due in April with a boy and Sunday... was a morning baby shower for C due with a boy in 3 weeks. After this weekend, I went out and bought 2 bottles of wine, a new supply of tampax and go home to sit & wait. My period was due on Tuesday and as time & time again has shown me... It will be slightly late thus leaving me questioning whether or not I'm pregnant. I'll then finally break down and buy a testkit. 12 hours after getting a negative result - it always starts. I'm not buying it this time. I'm hunkering down and waiting.
In fact, Wednesday night and split a bottle with a friend at a bar. I'm late but it was also 2 days late just last month.
Then again,... it was rainy today and the smell of worms outside made my stomach do flips that very morning. hmm...

Today. I call Rob and have him check my calendar. I should have gotten my period this morning. Again, this is my body's way of making me spend countless hours (at work) searching blogs for pregnancy signs only to later get deflated. I ask Rob if I should get a test or not. We asks, "why not?" Little does he know the roller coaster that is MY IMAGINATION and that merely taking a test is anything BUT a mere task.
I split after lunch and run to Target. I grab a test and then decide to buy moisturizer, antacids, soap & anything else so it doesn't look like I ran out on my lunch hour to buy a pregnancy test. The cashier looks at me, sees through my façade and swipes the test. Not the first cashier to catch on to my game.
I head back to work, open the box while driving and shove the test in my purse.
I walk up 4 flights of stairs (I'm really putting this one off for some reason) and head to a far stall in the ladies room. I barely have to pee. I prop the test up on the feminine napkin box while I finish business.
I glance down. One line.
("oh, shocker!").
Flush.
Two... Lines?
("what?")
I run back to my cube and grab my cell. I call Rob.
"Are you sitting down?"