Let's just admit it. I would make a terrible stay-at-home parent. I completely lack the self-discipline to get up on time, to take a shower like a normal human being, to eat breakfast, to brush my teeth... to basically get an organized day together outside of the routine structure that the office environment facilitates.
Hell, just yesterday I finally got around to bathing myself at 3PM and brushing my teeth for the first time that day.
*sigh*
Yes, I would not be very good at being left home alone. People would anticipate me to have Evie up and washed... dressed and ready to greet the day. I would need to go to the grocery store and make meals. I would clean the house regularly with a plastered smile on my face and get to know the mailman on a first name basis.
The last time I had this kind of airy freedom was when I was unemployed and Rob & I had just mved in together. I did side jobs and freelance work while collecting unemployment. My endeavors began with great intentions but slowly... I became a dirty drunk by 3PM. Daily. And this rapid decline happened within 4 months time. I would promise Rob that I'd be showered by lunch and dinner would be on the table when he returned from work. What he came home to instead, was me blathering on endlessly (buzzed) with a margarita on the rocks and still wearing my pajamas.
The funny thing is, I'm the responsible one.
I crave structure. I need schedules and deadlines. I only function and operate when there is a deadline that must be met. A goal. Something to achieve by a certain expected place and time. The freeform lifestyle of a stay-at-home mom? I would fall apart.
So, today was my very last day on maternity leave. And it was, perfect. The kind of perfect like the last day before you put the family pet down. The one where Sparky suddenly seems youthful & happy... where you begin to wonder, "Maybe we shouldn't be putting him down? Maybe he is OK and the cancer/old age/arthritis isn't that bad. Maybe I am making the wrong choice and rushing into things..." And then you go ahead with it all... regretting it for a few days... maybe a few weeks... until you slowly begin to replay the last weeks of Sparky's life, realizing, you made the right decision afterall.
OK, maybe a bad analogy. But going back to work can seem like this horrible decision when you leave behind the baby. Let's be honest, I started my job at CC on October 3rd. I got pregnant that month and took the pee stick test on November 9th confirming my pregnancy. Since my period started on Ocober 2nd... I have, technically, always had Evie with me at work. And, being home with her these last 9 weeks, is a hard thing to leave behind. I will be, essentially, going to work alone for the first time. In a long time.
*sigh*
Well, the boys are over doing Fantasy Football so I must sign off for the night. Apparently, I am the one gumming up the works with the internet.
I bid you adieu and please, wish me luck.
I'll be driving to work tomorrow... with kleenex in hand.
1 comment:
i hear ya, sister.
during my brief stint as a housewife, before i decided to go back to school, i devolved to the point of asking myself, "gin at 10am? why not?"
it is a struggle to maintain a responsible, grown-up routine without the structure imposed by external forces. it's good that you know this about yourself, and it's got to make going back to work at least a little bit easier.
indeed, your experience with a newborn will probably make you appreciate work in a whole new way. back when i was in an office, racing to get out of there at the stroke of 5, i would see guys plugging away at their desks and i would think, "why are they still here? don't they want to get home to their families?" now i understand perfectly.
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