My friend, let's call her Bianca (does anyone actually know a Bianca?) is contemplating subjecting herself to having two kids. She currently has one and, despite what she wants me to believe, isn't really stressing out about trying to get pregnant with #2 (but her and I both know she is quietly freaking out or she wouldn't now be asking the question, "Should I even try for #2?" Its a coping question. A question all of us have asked after having tried for many months to get pregnant only to see a "-" sign time and time again).
Bianca asked a few friends with multiple kids, "Is it worth it?"
Maybe this wasn't the exact question, but, for blogging purposes, its roughly equivalent.
The friends' reply, "It is exponentially more difficult with each kid that you have."
I can't truly comment on whether or not I agree, I mean, I only have 3 months under my belt. But, yes, so far, it is amazingly more challenging. I told Bianca that the Pro's/Con's List of having 1 kid verses 2 kids are evenly matched... it just depends how much weight you personally give each pro and con. Example:
1 KID: Pro's
1. more manageable than 2
2. less expense (overall)
3. not a scheduling nightmare (IE, only 1 nap time to work with. only one kid's extra-curricular activities to attend)
4. no sibling squabbles in the house (or ever!)
5. can be reasoned with one-on-one verses having to find a solution to fit all kids involved
1 KID: Con's
1. if this one is a screw-up, s/he's all you got (yes, its sad to admit but we've ALL THOUGHT IT)
2. if this one decides to not have kids someday, you'll never be a grandparent. Also, more dependence on this one to care for you when you are old and feeble. (see also, Con #1)
3. you are the playmate of choice (vacations can and may be hell for you)
4. kid will grow up to having little extended family (when you die, that's it!)
5. each moment is a first and last... milestones will only happen once in your household
2 KIDS: Pro's
1. potential for two distinct personalities. a variety in the family
2. you already have all that baby stuff, re-use it
3. they will entertain each other (see, 1 KID Con #3)
4. better odds at having a successful child or one that will marry/have babies or be an all-around happy adult with which you will want to come home for the holidays when s/he is older (also, better odds someone will care for you when you are old).
5. you are less inclined to put all your influence on 1 child: disbursement of responsibilities and expectations
2 KIDS: Con's
1. expensive: despite some things being reused, you will be buying 2x's the food, have 2 college savings plans, and additional clothing. don't even get me started on childcare and extra-curricular activities...
2. you no longer have any downtime. Ever. Best line of defense as parents: divide and conquer all tasks.
3. sibling rivalry and squabbling (even the best of siblings have their moments)
4. scheduling nightmare (see, 1 KID Pro #3)
5. more crap in your house and less space to put it (rooms can't always be shared, IE: when the boy and girl become teens)
OK, OK, Before anyone writes me any crap responses to what I just listed above -- bear some things in mind... I did say that "it just depends how much weight you personally give each pro and con." You might not even have these same items on your list. You might not care at all that your kid ever gets married or becomes your best friend after s/he leaves the nest. You might think your boy and girl CAN share a room into their teens. You might also have disabilities in your family genetics that serve as key considerations on your pro/con list. Or maybe you were damn lucky to even have the one kid you did have and how dare I make it sound like you might have left this one child a potentially disastrous future.
Again, this is my mental list and I whole-heartily agree many things on here are MENTAL.
I was an only child and I, personally, found it (and still find it) VERY STRESSFUL. If I fail, then my parents fail (this is at least how my family operates... perhaps other only-children are accepted and loved despite any failures they may have). I grind my teeth, have anxiety, tend to fly off the handle, am quick to defend myself with sarcasm (read: defensive) and argue ALOT with my parents. I often wonder how much of this is nature verses nurture given my only-child upbringing.
So, I chose to have two kids. Why? 'Cause I didn't want one to die. Yes, this is the honest-to-God reason. I am actually now fearful that with one being a boy (and boy's are often dare-devils) that maybe I should have three kids JUST IN CASE I get down to one kid again. This is not an announcement, we are not having three... but this is the mental game my only-child brain comes up with. Scary, isn't it?
I have two kids because I don't know what two kids feels like. I want to have that Nestle Tollhouse cookie commercial where me and the kids bake together while laughing and smiling. I want Evie to come home from college much to the delight of me & Max like that Maxwell House Christmas commercial when Peter sneaks in early to make everyone a fresh pot of coffee. I think I watched too much TV.... I also have a hankering for a coffee & cookie break.
I have two kids because I didn't want to have Evie feel lonely when I die and Rob dies. I want her to have a sibling to call and lean on when times are tough. I want her (and/or Max) to have kids who will have an aunt/uncle on their side of the family.
I wanted to experience everything again. I spent Evie's infancy freaked-out about getting things "right." Some of my memory's details are hazy and I have regrets of not having enjoyed every moment to the fullest. I wanted a second kid to enjoy some things all over again and to enjoy some of the little things I didn't appreciate the first time around. I wanted to enjoy a baby without the panic that comes with first-time parenting.
What's different? A lot. Everything. All of it.
Max is a completely different human being. I know this goes without saying but, until you experience it firsthand, it's hard to grasp what exactly this means. He looks similar to Evie but every single thing about his personality is different.
Evie would stress-out and shut down in crowded situations, she wouldn't catnap (ever! not even in the car or in my arms), and Evie was very particular on how things were done/served/scheduled, etc. Again I question nature verses nurture. Perhaps some of her quirks were a direct result of us being first-time parents?
Max, so far, is less temperamental. He "goes with the flow" a bit more catching naps on the fly and accepting a variety of surroundings (noisy places seem to make him happy!). He slept through the night at 3 months and Evie took 6 months. He also seems to be growing up right before our eyes in a way that Evie didn't. This is probably a direct result to us being twice as busy now... its actually much harder to enjoy the little things that I was hoping to enjoy with him.
And speaking of time, you can forget about downtime. Rob and I used to take turns with Evie offering the other person a chance to have a night off or a morning to sleep in. Now? Now we take turns on who will get which kid. Its a rare hour when one of us can handle both kids. Its not impossible, its just twice as exhausting to watch two kids. When you have kids that are 4 years apart you have one fussing for a bottle right after filling a diaper (and its usually some place less then ideal, like, in the car while you are driving) and another one defiantly ignoring you while they get into something dangerous. Or worse still, your 4 year old finally resorts to telling you what she wants rather than simply acting up, "I just want attention, mom!" (Which, actually happened to me last week and it honestly broke my heart knowing I couldn't divide my attention as well as I wanted).
So Bianca, I hope this helps explain what there is (at least in my situation) in having a family with two kids.
Is it worth it? An emphatic yes.
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