Well, I've made my decision. And, I STILL need to talk myself into this.
I've decided to ween Evie.
Why?
'Cause I am a horribly, horribly selfish person. I am not thinking about the benefits for Evie at all. Nor am I considering the family budget (formula is ex$pensive!). I'm not thinking about the work I have done to get myself to this state - the lactation consultant I had to go see, the mastering of the pump, the having no problems at all with Evie latching... the fact that I am a nursing master (aside from doing it in public). I am not thinking about what I should probably be thinking about in making this final of final decisions.
No. I'm thinking about... convenience.
I can't have more than 1 caffeine drink a day or its no good for baby. And sometimes, I'd like a strong cup of grande coffee after having nothing of the sort during those 9 months of pregnancy.
I want to be able to GO SOMEWHERE... anywhere... and not freak out about returning home to baby within 3 hours time. Or she'll starve. Or Rob will tap into my precious vault of 5 frozen bags of milk reserved for extreme occasions.
I want to be able to switch off with Rob for midnight feedings so at least one of us can enjoy a full night's sleep.
I want to be able to have more than 1 glass of wine after I have uncorked the bottle I am about to throw out in 3 days... 'cause I can't drink it all before it goes bad.
I want to be able to wear non-nursing friendly layered tops. Any top that I don't have to worry about dribbling on.
I want to no longer freak out about taking Evie out for the day, on a roadtrip, to a restuarant, to the store... fearing she may need to be nursed and I have to find a location to sit in for half an hour.
I want someone else to enjoy watching her eat and light up with a huge, happy smile after her belly is full. And I want me to be off continuing whatever activity it was I was doing at that time... without having to stop and feed.
I no longer want a sticky body. I no longer want to either feed or pump or suffer the consequences. I don't want to FIND somewhere to pump at my 3,000 employee establishment that, apparently, only has 1 wellness room for all pumping mothers to use one-at-a-time (and have to pump 2-3 times a day in that room on the first floor when I work on the 4th. I have to carry a big black bag down the elevator each time? I'd rather die, thank you).
I'm selfish.
I'm horrible.
I am next to tears at the thought that I am doing this.
I should be nursing cause I can. I should be nursing cause she loves it, I have no "real" problems with it, and its great for baby's health. I should be thinking of Evie's best interest and needs over my own. God, what a horrible mother I am turning out to be. And yet, I really cannot stand the thought of returning to work and pumping. I really want the freedom of not having to worry,"Can I eat this/take this/drink this while I am nursing?"
Somebody please tell me this is either the hormones making me feel so quilty or society's pressures that I am feeling.
Somebody please tell me that in 2-3 months this will all be yet another stage I have moved passed, problem-free, and that this is really a blip in the many things that await us.
Somebody please tell me that I am not a horrible, horrible person.
11 comments:
brooke,
it kills me to read this post. i (and i am sure everyone else) has gone through these feelings. i quit at five weeks because it was hard and having a baby was hard enough. i felt like the most selfish human in the world. i guiltily watched meg continue doing it for the next few months and wondered if there was anything I could do to start up my production again. In the end, it was just the guilt talking. Sloane is happy and healthy. I am happy and healthy. I do not regret my decision. You have to decide when it's time. No one else can tell you when to break up with breast feeding. Only you can know. It will feel like shit, and you will get over it.
We are coming your way on 9/1 if you guys want to meet up. I would love to see Evie. Take care of yourself. (In whatever way you need to)
kendra
Kendra- Thanks. I know, you are right. I, too, have friends who nursed longer (or are nursing longer) and I just need to remind myself that their situations are different, their experiences are different, and hell, their threshold of convenience is different.
I need to remember that I have many more friends who quit breastfeeding for a variety of reasons and many as early on as me.
I was reading a running post of people who quit BF'ing and they all went theough this guilt-stricken state of being. Why the hell are we so hard on ourselves when practically no one in the 1970's nursed at all? Is this a societal pressure I am feeling? 'Cause if it were, it would make a whole lot more sense that society would also accept public nursers and maybe half of my humilaiation would go away... and maybe I'd be OK with BF'ing longer.
*sigh*
Thankfully, everyone who has weened - has had no regrets and has sung praises about how much happier everyone is. We are happy now but its so very nice to know that after this guilt-hump on which I am stuck, we will again be happy.
Would LOVE to meet up. Jay, Kenny and Rob all stupid in one location is always a welcomed sight. Let's just be sure to get a beer, too, when we meet up. *wink*
I was NEVER breastfed, and hey, look at me !
Oh, I was supposed to make you feel better...sorry.
Pitzergirl, you just reminded me that its never too late to go back on my decision. Thanks for the heads up on how you turned out *wink*
I like the new look!
This is th second time I am writing a comment today because the first one didn't go through.....some error message. Anyway, you need to do whatever is best for your situation and well being. Happy mom makes happy baby - I do believe in that. There are so many different ways of doing things (parenting styles) and there is no one right way because we are all different, our babies are different, and our situations are different. It seems like parenthood is full of guilt trips. I think we have to get used to it.
In regards to breastfeeding in public, it seems like people get more upset about seing a mother breastfeed their child than second-hand smoke. It makes we want to go out to dinner tonight and breasfeed in the middle of the restaurant (in the non-smoking section though).
of course you feel guilty. you will feel guilty about approximately 18% of the choices you make as a parent. you will get used to it, and you will console yourself with the knowledge that you're giving evie one of life's greatest gifts: something to talk about in therapy.
to breastfeed or not to breastfeed is a decision that only you can make. if trying to fit breastfeeding into the rest of your life is making you crazy, then it's not good for your family. modern formula technology is excellent. evie will grow and thrive, and she'll be happy to have a slightly more relaxed mom.
cut yourself some slack, kid. like the rest of us, you're doing the best that you can.
Tatjana and Jessica,
I was hoping to hear from both of you since you both still nurse (its been over 1 full year for Jessica and 4.5 months for Tatjana). I find both of your situations incredible - a full year, Jessica? Wow! And you work fulltime Tatjana, also wow!
Both of you are very exceptional mothers and make it all work - my hats off to you. I wish to run the ranks with both of you - but, alas. Your very kind words & opinions help calm my nerves that if I quit breastfeeding.. it is OK (not that all the other posted comments haven't done the same, they have!).
The last 2 days have been HARD. Skipping the first feeding 2 days ago (we gave her frozen milk and let her nurse 1 ounce) made me feel very sad. Yesterday was her first formula and she puked up all of it. I about cried, pumped 2 ounces to bottle feed her and considered reneging the whole notion.
And the swelling - of dear God. I was in PAIN. Phew! I can't imagine quitting like this while working, I would tear up.
Today, I skipped the same 1 feeding and she had formula no problem. And my swelling, non-apparent.
I'm thinking maybe I could at least try out the daytime formula routine and still nurse post-work/all night long. But maybe I am fooling myself and by simply supplementing my supply will cause it to dimenish all on its own. This thought makes me sad. I don't mind nursing her at home when its convenient. Its the inconvenience that makes me loony.
I hate that this is such a final decision. Its so hard to know that I can't go back once this decision is made. Its so final. *sigh*
Jessica, only 18%? Seems lower than I thought, ha! I had no idea motherhood would be so wrought with insecurity with decisions.
And, Tatjana, your comment on restaurants is so f%&king true. What crap, huh? Why the hell is the US society so archiac? Other countries aren't so hung up on this issue.
Thanks for the comments - this was great to read!
I agree totally with what Tatjana and Jessica said.
I nursed for Addie for some time but....
1) I was home full time
2)I had the support of my mother who nursed all of her children.
3) I had the example of my older sister who nursed her kid everywhere, and showed me how to nurse in public with confidence.
4) I started to look forward to telling off anyone who gave me attitude about nursing, but I never got the chance *damn!*
Even with all that I think I may have quit at the first sign of mastitis. I was really impressed you battled that and soldered on.
I also had friends who worked who only nursed a couple of times a day (once in the morning and once at night). This does not work for everyone, but you may be able to give it a try if the idea appeals to you. The last couple of months I nursed Addie she was only feeding once in the morning. I thought I would have been leaking the rest of the day, but the body regulates to the demand. Freaky.
The bottom line is, if you are not happy, then it is not good for anyone.
Screw what other people think. It is your baby, your body and your family.
Love you, and can't wait to see you in September.
-Laura
hello again.
i'm glad my earlier comment helped, and i feel i need to add the following: dude, you should not be so impressed with my breastfeeding record. i work at home for, like, 15 hours a week. i have no idea what i would have done if i had a real job.
and nursing now is easy: frances is down to one feeding a day at bedtime and has been for weeks. yes, this means no wine with dinner, but it's hardly a major imposition. the hard part is the part you've been going through, the time when you're basically tied to your baby. you should be proud of yourself for the effort you've made. and you should keep in mind that the data on the health benefits of breastfeeding are not as conclusive as the la leche league would have us believe, and, whatever those benefits might be, you have already given evie a good start by nursing for as long as you have.
don't torture yourself, brooke, and don't compare yourself to anyone else. everybody is a bad mother in her own way. yes, i may still be breastfeeding my 13-month-old baby, but you should see how i totally let her watch The Simpsons...
xoxox,
jess
Hi Brooke,
I know we've chatted about this before and I'm sorry to be getting to the conversation so late! You hardly need anything I could add. But I will tell you how unexpectedly sad I was when I stopped breastfeeding after I came back to work. I felt like Duncan didn't really need me anymore. But that was totally not true and he lets me know that he needs and loves me every day. I feel guilty about everything...and reading blogs of super-moms only makes me feel worse, so I don't know why I do it. I find inspiration in there somewhere...All that to say what everyone else has said, which is, please don't beat yourself up over this. One thing that helped me get over it was the notion (I think, fact) that there is a definite diminishing return on breastfeeding. You've provided Eve with what she needed when she most needed it. She's thriving and that's the only proof you need that you're a good mother. I'm totally nervous about our next check up with the pediatrician because I'm terrified he's going to tell me I'm doing everything wrong! I need someone to talk me down from *that* cliff...
Dear all respondents - thank you!
Laura-I wished I worked up the nerve to telling off people in public (if they gave me slack about BF'ing in public). I'm too worried that I'd forget about having a breast exposed and end up wagging my finger with a boobie flapping in the breeze. Its amazing how little I can sense these days - I could walk around with bra flaps open and shirt lifted... without the bat of an eyelash.
One more month and we'll see you guys - its coming up fast! Looking forward to it, too! We'll have to scoot off for an all-ladies lunch while the boys play.
Jessica-No wine with dinner? How do you do it? That's what I couldn't wait for the day after Evie was born.... *wink*
Catherine-We have chatted but it's such a HARD decision to make that going over the conversation details again doesn't bother me in the slightest. I need to hash and rehash this decision. If breastfeeding wasn't so final... if I could do formula for a few weeks and then think, "Eh, this is a pain in the ass, let's go back to nursing when it was cheaper and Evie was happier." Then, this would be easy. And hell, I'm assuming Evie could be happier with nursing than with formula... but I'll never know. Just another assumption to drive myself loony.
Duncan is SUCH A HAM that if formula does that to babies - sign me up! He is SUCH a cute baby... and he knows it, too. Cracks me up.
I know what you mean about the pediatrician - we go... in 3 hours! Evie is sleeping from noon-6PM and then 7PM till midnight (great if we slept during the DAY!). The Dr's going to think I just starve my kid all day and then play breast milk/formula games to suit my whims. [pause] Nah, she'll tell me whatever 'works for you - works for you'.
Your doctor should be doing the same. :-)
Post a Comment