Surprise!
Happy!
Grumpy
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Super Hero!
We sent Evie back to another week of summer camp (only 3 hrs a day) since she ended up absolutely loving the one week she had in June (Dinosaurs-themed). This week's theme? SUPER HEROES!
I told her to get in a "flying" stance for this picture... she loved it & posed for me.
Daddy is so proud.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Art: The new wing of VMFA
Since Evie has a "sore toe" after an incident with Miles & a door (she's really milking this one) we decided to embrace her lack of mobility by throwing her in the stroller and finally touring the new wing of the VMFA up the street.
Afterwards we had lunch at Banditos and Evie has at her peak performance for cuteness... she charmed everyone (even us!)
All in all, a great day was had by all.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
3rd Birthday Party - Theme and Set-Up
We decided this year's theme would be ladybugs!
The party was Saturday, July 3rd from 3-5PM. Typically this is a VERY hot time of year so we had sprinklers and pools set up outside... but thankfully the weather was forgiving and in the 80's!
I made up some fun invites with googly-eyes, scrapbook paper, and brads the allow its wings to open/close.
We had red balloons (one for each kid to take home... those that remained were "released" in the air after the party), red streamers and gift bags for each kid (complete with black spots, of course!). We served hot dogs, chips and pasta salad (and beer & sangria to the parent chaperone's!)
...And for the cake: ladybug cupcakes! Chocolate cake with red/black frosting. I bought black M&M's for spots and we used a strip of black shoelace licorice to "divide" the winds.
The party was Saturday, July 3rd from 3-5PM. Typically this is a VERY hot time of year so we had sprinklers and pools set up outside... but thankfully the weather was forgiving and in the 80's!
I made up some fun invites with googly-eyes, scrapbook paper, and brads the allow its wings to open/close.
We had red balloons (one for each kid to take home... those that remained were "released" in the air after the party), red streamers and gift bags for each kid (complete with black spots, of course!). We served hot dogs, chips and pasta salad (and beer & sangria to the parent chaperone's!)
...And for the cake: ladybug cupcakes! Chocolate cake with red/black frosting. I bought black M&M's for spots and we used a strip of black shoelace licorice to "divide" the winds.
I like your...
Getting out of the shower I'm greeted by a 3-ft admirer. "Mommy? I like your boobies!"
"Thanks. [pause] So does daddy."
"Thanks. [pause] So does daddy."
Friday, July 02, 2010
Happy Birthday
My baby turns into a 3 year old little girl today.
We are celebrating by having my parents watch her so we can have a date night.
When Evie was 1, we worried the people sitting Evie wouldn't understand the many nuances that are Evie's behavior and worried they may forget the many details that make her happy.
When Evie was 2, we worried that the people sitting Evie may not follow the many "rules" we were trying to establish and may break the routines.
Now, today is Evie is 3, and I just want the hell out of the house. If she's breathing when we return - its a win-win.
We are celebrating by having my parents watch her so we can have a date night.
When Evie was 1, we worried the people sitting Evie wouldn't understand the many nuances that are Evie's behavior and worried they may forget the many details that make her happy.
When Evie was 2, we worried that the people sitting Evie may not follow the many "rules" we were trying to establish and may break the routines.
Now, today is Evie is 3, and I just want the hell out of the house. If she's breathing when we return - its a win-win.
Evie's birthday - Trip to "Toys R Us"
We signed up to be "Toys R Us" members during our purchase of a large doll house for Evie's birthday. If you go in on your birthday you get a balloon, a crown and a $3 gift certificate. Not bad!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Best Friends.
While strapping Evie in after her second day of "summer camp" (camp is one week at the place she'll be attending this September for preschool), she looked up at me and smiled, "You're my best friend, mommy."
And, despite ALL the other times she tells me that she loves me in order to cover the act of doing something wrong/deceitful/destructive... I knew she meant it.
And, despite ALL the other times she tells me that she loves me in order to cover the act of doing something wrong/deceitful/destructive... I knew she meant it.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
NEW BEDROOM!
Butterfly wall above her bed.
Wall with pass-through door that actually cuts through to the kitchen pantry!
She better not get into midnight cookies!
Closet! The curtains will close-off the clutter.
Evie's reaction to her new room (note that she did her own hair and opted for sparkly shoes with PJs outfit).
I love this picture.
We spent the entire morning half of Saturday moving and relocating everything Evie.
It was challenging to find locations for things, moving things down the hallway without tripping over Evie who was running back/forth, and trying to get it all done... while still in my pajamas.
Who-hoo! It's done and we are all really happy with it!
Up next, repainting & fixing up Evie's old room to become Rob's office.... the musical rooms game continues....
Wall with pass-through door that actually cuts through to the kitchen pantry!
She better not get into midnight cookies!
Closet! The curtains will close-off the clutter.
Evie's reaction to her new room (note that she did her own hair and opted for sparkly shoes with PJs outfit).
I love this picture.
We spent the entire morning half of Saturday moving and relocating everything Evie.
It was challenging to find locations for things, moving things down the hallway without tripping over Evie who was running back/forth, and trying to get it all done... while still in my pajamas.
Who-hoo! It's done and we are all really happy with it!
Up next, repainting & fixing up Evie's old room to become Rob's office.... the musical rooms game continues....
Sunday, June 06, 2010
The weekend that never ended...
Leading up to this planned weekend trip to Greensboro is my "mommy gets away from it all" weekend trip to Chicago last weekend (over Memorial Day Wknd. The trip out was supposed to involve my leaving late afternoon on Monday but storms caused me to have a cancelled flight... resulting in my midnight arrival home the next night (Tuesday). That night was then spent taking turns to check on a sick Evie followed by working from home on Wednesday. Wednesday night included me actually trying to sleep IN Evie's bed from 3:30-5:30AM while she howled for most of the evening... Thursday I went to work while Evie went to the doctor (diagnosis: ear infection and possibly strep throat). Thursday night was a late departure due to my not having packed the night before and having to wait for Evie's prescription fill. Then we road trip it for 3.5hrs rolling into Greensboro LATE Thursday night....
Friday I telework from Panara. All. Day. Long. By 4PM I'm batty.
Saturday we get the party started at 6:30AM. Rob's comic convention (Heroes Con) is on its 2nd day in Charlotte and I've agreed to stop in before then taking Evie & my mother to Discovery Place. After taking an exit to grab McD's breakfast for everyone, I end up not taking 85 South (which was also marked as "Future 73/74 Corridor earlier in the trip). Nope, I am now ON 73/74 South. One hour later, 1.5 hrs East of Charlotte, I figure out my mistake.
So, now I am pissed off and texting Rob. He, too, is pissed off at my mistake and I take this to mean I really should try and get there rather then simply give up and head to the zoo instead (which, is what I was going to do at this point). We drive all the way BACK up the highway, catch a connecting back road, and then back DOWN 85 South. It takes us over 3 hrs to get to Charlotte. It should only take us 1hr + 15 minutes.
We meet Rob at Heroes Con and he (proud papa) shows her off to some friends. Evie's a bit fussy from the car ride + being sick + the crowded atmosphere... but it all goes pretty well. Rob's forehead is covered in beads of sweat and I know its from the stress of me breathing down his neck about being lost, frustrated and dealing with a fussy (confined in a car seat) toddler. Rob's a patient man...
We figure out, from the aide of the Convention Center help desk dude, that Discovery Place is a mere 6 blocks away. He attempts to talk me into walking instead of moving the car. The man is clearly in his 60's. I point to Evie's head as she stands at my feet. "Six blocks.... with this... is a long walk." I begin thinking of how Evie can barely cross the street without wanting to be picked up and how hot it is outside. He continually encourages me even going to far as to promote the city blocks as being "short blocks" and the a free trolley may whip through for us to catch. He wins, we start walking... we make it across the green grass park covering the where our car is parked below ground. Evie stops, "Pick me up, Mommy!" I make it a half block before walking all the way back to move the car to our destination instead of wasting more time with this anchor on my hip.
We were supposed to arrive in Charlotte by noon, leave Heroes Con by 1PM, spend no more then 2hrs at Discovery Place and head home by no later than 3PM. We would be home in time for dinner and, ideally, Evie would nap the whole car ride home.
Instead, we arrived at Heroes Con by 1:45PM and left by about 2:45PM. We've had no lunch and Evie is beyond fussy. We are totally off-track and I am beginning to get Clark Griswald on my mother & Evie as I demand we press-on with the schedule as planned...
Discovery Place costs $38 for the three of us, plus the $7 parking, so I now I am even more motivated to press on and stay on as late as we can all stand it.
We watch a 3D shark movie immediately after paying for our tickets and I do everything to hold Evie down while she refuses to wear her glasses. Thank God it ends in 15minutes... we quickly exit.
The first room we visit involves this elaborate water/play table for the kiddies. Evie, who loves water like a cat loves milk, gets in on the action. We drag her around to a few more cool set-ups (a life size light bright wall, a set of instruments built into the wall, lego mini go-cart racers). We then decide to hit the elevator for the next floor up. Evie is either not listening to me or not understanding and becomes howling mad. I tighten my grip like an anaconda with its prey... we are going to have fun if it results in this child's untimely death.
The second floor at Discovery Place is rather awesome. Emily and I ditched school one day to come out here and play... we were in college. The science experiments are seriously very cool but also a wee bit too complex for Evie. We skip around the wooden building block towers, the "build your own fort" corner, the section about what germs live in/on your body... we wrap the whole day up with the room that is designed for kids to make a mess. I know its time to go when, rather then be excited by the translucent pipes that shoot air straight up (kids can put wads of paper here and watch it blow around way up in the air), Evie is picking up the foam blocks kids can interconnect & put on a conveyor belt that moves them to the ceiling. Evie is also now getting very bossy about putting away these said pieces and taking them from a teenager, "Put them right 'dere! [pointing to a box]"
I scoop up Evie like a sack of potatoes. Evie then does what I have heard other kids do... but this was a first for her. She screams BLOODY MURDER in my ear and AT the room we are exiting. I turn around to offer a weak smile of both embarrassment and disappointment that my child has become ONE OF THOSE. The room is filled with faces looking at me.... the look on all the parent's faces is that of complete pity. I want to shirk off in the corner and die. Don't get me wrong, she's had meltdowns... but never of this magnitude. She is growing stronger and more defiant with age. I'm internal shaking to the core with the thought of, "If its this bad at 3... will I survive when she's 13?!." I shudder.
We walk past the water playroom again and I decide its better to end on a high note... and I turn her loose. She's smaller than the boys that soon show up at the water table and she actually lets a little boy rip the plastic watering can from her hands. I do nothing. I decide its better she learn to defend herself. I'm now contemplating if I have made the right move or not. I help Evie gather play boats (feeling guilty not having rescued her moments before) and she then loses those to an older girl. Fortunately, the watering can has now been abandoned and Evie descends upon it... she's back to having things her way. She asks for a snack and, seeing this as the perfect moment to advertise the benefits of going to the car to leave, I suggest we get the goldfish I left in the car.
Thank God grandma packed a banana (have I mentioned Evie only wants carbs or meat and nothing else to eat these days) and its gone faster than I can peel it. Evie devours a huge bag of goldfish and one granola bar. The drive home then gets bumpy as Evie decides to resuming the moment where she LOST HER FREAKIN' MIND back in the room where she screamed. She gets my attention by showing half her shoe (faux Crocs) with her foot still inside... IN HER MOUTH. I rip it from her teeth and through it in the car, "Are you CRAZY?" I ask... knowing full well that the answer is "yes."
For 20 minutes Evie repeats the phrase, "Mommy! I want my shoe back! Mommy! Mom? My. Shoe! I want it. Back. Mommy. I. Want. My. Shoe. Back. Mommy!" My mother bores a hole in the side of my head with her one eyebrow raised. She contemplates appeasing her granddaughter at the expense of her daughter attempting to discipline. A fight ensues when I explain to her that the tantrums will only getting longer, stronger and more violent in nature if I give in now. We "enjoy" the screams. I watch my mother go to a mental place she uses when moments like this occur.
The drive lasts from 5PM - 6:30PM. Many arguments, freak-outs and tantrums occupy most of this pleasant car trip... mostly from me. I'm on total. Eff'ing. Burn out. I have managed to drag everyone around to complete my "plan" for the perfect afternoon at the expense of every one's sanity. Once again, I am proving to be a bad mom.
The evening wraps up with dinner waiting at the house. Evie, of course, opts for eating nothing.
I run an errand and come back in time for teeth brushing/storytime. Evie eats the toothpaste, again.... I am anxious to get through the 2 books I have picked with little debate. Night-night, kiss-kiss.
I.... grab a beer. Tomorrow, is Sunday.... another day to fill with activities.
Friday I telework from Panara. All. Day. Long. By 4PM I'm batty.
Saturday we get the party started at 6:30AM. Rob's comic convention (Heroes Con) is on its 2nd day in Charlotte and I've agreed to stop in before then taking Evie & my mother to Discovery Place. After taking an exit to grab McD's breakfast for everyone, I end up not taking 85 South (which was also marked as "Future 73/74 Corridor earlier in the trip). Nope, I am now ON 73/74 South. One hour later, 1.5 hrs East of Charlotte, I figure out my mistake.
So, now I am pissed off and texting Rob. He, too, is pissed off at my mistake and I take this to mean I really should try and get there rather then simply give up and head to the zoo instead (which, is what I was going to do at this point). We drive all the way BACK up the highway, catch a connecting back road, and then back DOWN 85 South. It takes us over 3 hrs to get to Charlotte. It should only take us 1hr + 15 minutes.
We meet Rob at Heroes Con and he (proud papa) shows her off to some friends. Evie's a bit fussy from the car ride + being sick + the crowded atmosphere... but it all goes pretty well. Rob's forehead is covered in beads of sweat and I know its from the stress of me breathing down his neck about being lost, frustrated and dealing with a fussy (confined in a car seat) toddler. Rob's a patient man...
We figure out, from the aide of the Convention Center help desk dude, that Discovery Place is a mere 6 blocks away. He attempts to talk me into walking instead of moving the car. The man is clearly in his 60's. I point to Evie's head as she stands at my feet. "Six blocks.... with this... is a long walk." I begin thinking of how Evie can barely cross the street without wanting to be picked up and how hot it is outside. He continually encourages me even going to far as to promote the city blocks as being "short blocks" and the a free trolley may whip through for us to catch. He wins, we start walking... we make it across the green grass park covering the where our car is parked below ground. Evie stops, "Pick me up, Mommy!" I make it a half block before walking all the way back to move the car to our destination instead of wasting more time with this anchor on my hip.
We were supposed to arrive in Charlotte by noon, leave Heroes Con by 1PM, spend no more then 2hrs at Discovery Place and head home by no later than 3PM. We would be home in time for dinner and, ideally, Evie would nap the whole car ride home.
Instead, we arrived at Heroes Con by 1:45PM and left by about 2:45PM. We've had no lunch and Evie is beyond fussy. We are totally off-track and I am beginning to get Clark Griswald on my mother & Evie as I demand we press-on with the schedule as planned...
Discovery Place costs $38 for the three of us, plus the $7 parking, so I now I am even more motivated to press on and stay on as late as we can all stand it.
We watch a 3D shark movie immediately after paying for our tickets and I do everything to hold Evie down while she refuses to wear her glasses. Thank God it ends in 15minutes... we quickly exit.
The first room we visit involves this elaborate water/play table for the kiddies. Evie, who loves water like a cat loves milk, gets in on the action. We drag her around to a few more cool set-ups (a life size light bright wall, a set of instruments built into the wall, lego mini go-cart racers). We then decide to hit the elevator for the next floor up. Evie is either not listening to me or not understanding and becomes howling mad. I tighten my grip like an anaconda with its prey... we are going to have fun if it results in this child's untimely death.
The second floor at Discovery Place is rather awesome. Emily and I ditched school one day to come out here and play... we were in college. The science experiments are seriously very cool but also a wee bit too complex for Evie. We skip around the wooden building block towers, the "build your own fort" corner, the section about what germs live in/on your body... we wrap the whole day up with the room that is designed for kids to make a mess. I know its time to go when, rather then be excited by the translucent pipes that shoot air straight up (kids can put wads of paper here and watch it blow around way up in the air), Evie is picking up the foam blocks kids can interconnect & put on a conveyor belt that moves them to the ceiling. Evie is also now getting very bossy about putting away these said pieces and taking them from a teenager, "Put them right 'dere! [pointing to a box]"
I scoop up Evie like a sack of potatoes. Evie then does what I have heard other kids do... but this was a first for her. She screams BLOODY MURDER in my ear and AT the room we are exiting. I turn around to offer a weak smile of both embarrassment and disappointment that my child has become ONE OF THOSE. The room is filled with faces looking at me.... the look on all the parent's faces is that of complete pity. I want to shirk off in the corner and die. Don't get me wrong, she's had meltdowns... but never of this magnitude. She is growing stronger and more defiant with age. I'm internal shaking to the core with the thought of, "If its this bad at 3... will I survive when she's 13?!." I shudder.
We walk past the water playroom again and I decide its better to end on a high note... and I turn her loose. She's smaller than the boys that soon show up at the water table and she actually lets a little boy rip the plastic watering can from her hands. I do nothing. I decide its better she learn to defend herself. I'm now contemplating if I have made the right move or not. I help Evie gather play boats (feeling guilty not having rescued her moments before) and she then loses those to an older girl. Fortunately, the watering can has now been abandoned and Evie descends upon it... she's back to having things her way. She asks for a snack and, seeing this as the perfect moment to advertise the benefits of going to the car to leave, I suggest we get the goldfish I left in the car.
Thank God grandma packed a banana (have I mentioned Evie only wants carbs or meat and nothing else to eat these days) and its gone faster than I can peel it. Evie devours a huge bag of goldfish and one granola bar. The drive home then gets bumpy as Evie decides to resuming the moment where she LOST HER FREAKIN' MIND back in the room where she screamed. She gets my attention by showing half her shoe (faux Crocs) with her foot still inside... IN HER MOUTH. I rip it from her teeth and through it in the car, "Are you CRAZY?" I ask... knowing full well that the answer is "yes."
For 20 minutes Evie repeats the phrase, "Mommy! I want my shoe back! Mommy! Mom? My. Shoe! I want it. Back. Mommy. I. Want. My. Shoe. Back. Mommy!" My mother bores a hole in the side of my head with her one eyebrow raised. She contemplates appeasing her granddaughter at the expense of her daughter attempting to discipline. A fight ensues when I explain to her that the tantrums will only getting longer, stronger and more violent in nature if I give in now. We "enjoy" the screams. I watch my mother go to a mental place she uses when moments like this occur.
The drive lasts from 5PM - 6:30PM. Many arguments, freak-outs and tantrums occupy most of this pleasant car trip... mostly from me. I'm on total. Eff'ing. Burn out. I have managed to drag everyone around to complete my "plan" for the perfect afternoon at the expense of every one's sanity. Once again, I am proving to be a bad mom.
The evening wraps up with dinner waiting at the house. Evie, of course, opts for eating nothing.
I run an errand and come back in time for teeth brushing/storytime. Evie eats the toothpaste, again.... I am anxious to get through the 2 books I have picked with little debate. Night-night, kiss-kiss.
I.... grab a beer. Tomorrow, is Sunday.... another day to fill with activities.
Friday, June 04, 2010
He's not heavy...
En route to Greensboro for the weekend, car conversation:
Evie asks something and my response is, "...because daddy's old."
Evie replies, "He's not old, mommy! He's bigger!"
Evie asks something and my response is, "...because daddy's old."
Evie replies, "He's not old, mommy! He's bigger!"
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
sweet sentiments
While snuggling on the couch watching the news,
"Mommy? I love you... I go poo-poo," off she slides and into the bathroom she runs.
"Mommy? I love you... I go poo-poo," off she slides and into the bathroom she runs.
Late night arrival calls for a late night wake-up
My flight got in last night around 11PM. By the time I got home, it was just after 11:30PM.
After having not seen Evie since Friday morning (5 days!), I just had to peek in on her. When I touched her head, I had to hold her.
I picked her up out of a very deep slumber (it was actually, technically, very selfish of me. I realized this after her arms started beating like a butterfly)... she must have started dreaming she was being attacked so I held her real tight, rubbed her head and told her it was me over and over again.
Evie settled into me but quickly started yelling out phrases of "Get it daddy! Git it! Git it!" and then a bunch of babble. I started to put her back down and sneak out. She then requested the covers. My kid, who LOVES to be covered top to toe in a hot house (her body feels like a sauna rock) wants to be covered. I negotiate half covers and ultimately give in when she starts to get fussy.
I start to leave the room, again. Now she wants socks. "Socks! Socks, daddy! Mommy. Socks!" She is still asleep, I can tell, but she sure seems awake. I put on socks, and ask her, "Do you know who this is? Do you know who is putting on your socks?" I wanted to see how asleep she was.
A very, faint whisper in a confident tone, "mommy."
Then, all of a sudden, Evie's eyes pop open, she holds out her arms like a preacher with outstretched arms, palms up, "You're here mommy! You're here! I miss you. I love ... you are here! You were playing with Nonnanie? Now you home."
I give her big hug again and this time she hugs back.
I tell her I love her and missed her... she replies with similar affections. I rub her head and tell her to come wake me in the morning, she agrees before rolling over.
It was awesome.
After having not seen Evie since Friday morning (5 days!), I just had to peek in on her. When I touched her head, I had to hold her.
I picked her up out of a very deep slumber (it was actually, technically, very selfish of me. I realized this after her arms started beating like a butterfly)... she must have started dreaming she was being attacked so I held her real tight, rubbed her head and told her it was me over and over again.
Evie settled into me but quickly started yelling out phrases of "Get it daddy! Git it! Git it!" and then a bunch of babble. I started to put her back down and sneak out. She then requested the covers. My kid, who LOVES to be covered top to toe in a hot house (her body feels like a sauna rock) wants to be covered. I negotiate half covers and ultimately give in when she starts to get fussy.
I start to leave the room, again. Now she wants socks. "Socks! Socks, daddy! Mommy. Socks!" She is still asleep, I can tell, but she sure seems awake. I put on socks, and ask her, "Do you know who this is? Do you know who is putting on your socks?" I wanted to see how asleep she was.
A very, faint whisper in a confident tone, "mommy."
Then, all of a sudden, Evie's eyes pop open, she holds out her arms like a preacher with outstretched arms, palms up, "You're here mommy! You're here! I miss you. I love ... you are here! You were playing with Nonnanie? Now you home."
I give her big hug again and this time she hugs back.
I tell her I love her and missed her... she replies with similar affections. I rub her head and tell her to come wake me in the morning, she agrees before rolling over.
It was awesome.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
CRASH! Shatter....
So, I'm on vacay... in Chicago.
A longish trip.
Rob's been left with Evie once before... about this time of year... I was in a conference in Kansas City.
I was to be in Chicago Friday-Monday (but due to a flight cancellation on Monday, my trip is extended to Tuesday).
On Sunday morning I called the house to see what was on the agenda for the day. I asked, "how's it going?" Rob replies, "You don't want to know." Which, of course, now I HAVE to know.
He fills me in," Well, I was taking out the trash and Evie locked me out."
Lemme back-track a little. We closed off our back door when we did the addition to the house. The side door, which we maybe used... twice... was suddenly now our back door. This door is original to the house and hangs at a most horrible angle. This horrible angle causes it to NOT latch closed and swing open by 2 inches. So, we leave a key in the door. We lock it shut to keep it latched closed. Evie, who is almost 3 years old and OBSESSED with keeping all doors closed at ALL TIMES, loves to immediately lock the door anytime it remains open for longer than a minute. Fortunately, one of us is usually in the house when she does lock one of us out. Unfortunately, I am in Chicago.
Fast forward to Sunday morning.
I ask Rob about how he managed to get in the house.
"I told Evie to get back and broke the glass with a brick."
*sigh*
Well, at least we now have one of those here's-one-of-the-many-bullsh*t-things-you-did-as-a-kid stories to tell her when she is 16.
A longish trip.
Rob's been left with Evie once before... about this time of year... I was in a conference in Kansas City.
I was to be in Chicago Friday-Monday (but due to a flight cancellation on Monday, my trip is extended to Tuesday).
On Sunday morning I called the house to see what was on the agenda for the day. I asked, "how's it going?" Rob replies, "You don't want to know." Which, of course, now I HAVE to know.
He fills me in," Well, I was taking out the trash and Evie locked me out."
Lemme back-track a little. We closed off our back door when we did the addition to the house. The side door, which we maybe used... twice... was suddenly now our back door. This door is original to the house and hangs at a most horrible angle. This horrible angle causes it to NOT latch closed and swing open by 2 inches. So, we leave a key in the door. We lock it shut to keep it latched closed. Evie, who is almost 3 years old and OBSESSED with keeping all doors closed at ALL TIMES, loves to immediately lock the door anytime it remains open for longer than a minute. Fortunately, one of us is usually in the house when she does lock one of us out. Unfortunately, I am in Chicago.
Fast forward to Sunday morning.
I ask Rob about how he managed to get in the house.
"I told Evie to get back and broke the glass with a brick."
*sigh*
Well, at least we now have one of those here's-one-of-the-many-bullsh*t-things-you-did-as-a-kid stories to tell her when she is 16.
Friday, May 28, 2010
No, I am serious, WTF?
Someone I used to work with (geez, like 10 years ago now!) is pregnant with baby #2 and due Dec. 12th.
Like, seriously.
I know I am hyper-sensitive to this all but ... really?
I mean, really.
If I could bottle my insane rage at this point I could power enough electricity to light up 140 homes for 1 month.
Its so hard to "let this all go," too, no matter how hard I try to keep this open mind in enjoying my life as it is... to stop trying... blah-blah. I am not seeking out these people's info, it just keeps coming up! Either I hear it from a friend, read it online, run into them at a store... what am I supposed to do, hide under the covers?
Hmmmm, I might be on to something.
If anyone needs me, I'll be under the covers.
I'll come out after December 2010.
Like, seriously.
I know I am hyper-sensitive to this all but ... really?
I mean, really.
If I could bottle my insane rage at this point I could power enough electricity to light up 140 homes for 1 month.
Its so hard to "let this all go," too, no matter how hard I try to keep this open mind in enjoying my life as it is... to stop trying... blah-blah. I am not seeking out these people's info, it just keeps coming up! Either I hear it from a friend, read it online, run into them at a store... what am I supposed to do, hide under the covers?
Hmmmm, I might be on to something.
If anyone needs me, I'll be under the covers.
I'll come out after December 2010.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A new room for Evie
We are moving Evie over into our old master bedroom (since we have the new fancy-pants addition now).
Her current room is something like 10' x 8' and her new room will be something like 12' x 9'. So, she'll gain some space not to mention she will now be at the end of the hallway (closer to our bedroom) and she'll get a much larger closet (the girl LOVES SHOES). We then plan to move Rob's office down into her old room and turn Rob's old office (which is the room right off the living room) into a play room.... essentially, the living room and the play room would be like one large great room.
So, here's what I have achieved so far in all this.
I said I would have Evie's room done by June so I have actually STARTED this past early May in order to obtain that goal (when I was pregnant throughout April I didn't touch any activity in this house!).
I did some plaster work under a window that suffered water damage from a leaky window air conditioning unit. I also removed old curtain road systems and vinyl blinds (filled holes). I caulked all the windows (ugh, old wood windows really do look like shit up close despite their charm from far away). I painted the walls a light dusty lavender color called "Bad Lands". I created vector art butterfly graphics which I printed out, traced in pencil on the walls and painted white to create a airy cluster over where her bed will go ( I did sprinkle in a random butterfly on another wall, too).
I have curtains rods waiting in the wings to go up and limey green curtains on order.... I will give the trim a fresh coat of white paint before hanging the curtains and then we move her over! I'll update with final pics when I get them.
Oh, and did I mention the radiators??? Ugh, the radiators in the house (which we bought 6 years ago) were horribly flaky and chipped. The one in this bedroom was the 2nd worst in the house and I simply ignored it (till now). I take a hammer and "chisel away" centimeter by centimeter (can you picture tiny metallic-like chips of paint flying in your face, in your eyes, and up your nose for hours on end while you make very slow progress? Yes, you are picturing it correctly then...) until after a collective 7 hours I was finished. I then drape the walls in plastic and heavy tape everything around the feet of the radiator so as not to ruin the floors with paint. I spray the inside and back with white paint (I use high performance Rustoleum) and later paint the fronts with a can of the same paint. Its grueling and oh so f*cking messy. The paint goes everywhere and the house is so stinky. Honestly, its probably the stupidest thing a person can do and I will most likely suffer lung cancer in 10 years... but doesn't it look great?!.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
A Mother's Day Post
Dear self on Mother's Day one year from now,
I notice that sometimes you forget a few things and I'd like to take a moment to remind you... that you are awesome.
Sure, the house is not as clean as it used to be, but you also have a very active little girl, a husband, and an elderly dog. Sure, these three elements drive you crazy sometimes (Evie wipes her hands off on the couch cushions when eating cereal, Rob leaves socks everywhere in the house, the dog sheds half his weight annually) but keep in mind - these are the very things you always wanted. You simply must stop forward thinking to when Evie will stop making messes, Rob will organize his stuff better (and out of your line of vision!) and the dog won't be here to shed. All you are going to want at that time are all these gloriously awesome moments of today... you'll flip through photos of all the happy memories you are in the process of making right now wishing you could go back and enjoy it more. Sometimes you get so caught up on focusing on how things TODAY are not quite as PERFECT as YESTERDAY that you completely forget about all the things you have achieved along the way. You forget that you didn't have many of the things you have now. You forget that, even then, you still thought 5 years prior to that were easier... somehow better. Life does get more complicated. Those complications can be stressful. The "to do" list does keep growing... and it only will forever and ever, amen. You need to prioritize and reevaluate sometimes. You'll feel better.
I'm not telling you to stop trying to set and achieve goals (to stop moving ahead with breakneck speed like you famously are known to do!). Goals are great. You really are master at achieving the very things you set your mind out to accomplish. But, often, you forget that watching a show with Evie IS something. Eating an ice cream cone on the front porch after dinner. Splashing in the mud. Making a mess while eating a new food in a new dress. Skipping bath night to stay up late at an outdoor event. Skipping the healthy choices for convenience. Sitting at the table coloring while we wait for the water to boil. Evie grimmacing when you look back at her in the car (ok, you know you love that moment, I snuck that in to remind you of just how picture-perfect that moment is when it happens). Evie grabbing your face (ack! My make-up, her dirty hands!) to make your lips stick-out like a fish while she throws her head back in giggles. Sitting in a pile of newly drawn chalk drawings. Getting water thrown on you during bathtime. Wiping a butt in the middle of the night when (who poops in the middle of the night anyway??? Evie's strange) nature calls. Getting woken up at 6AM to a jingling moo-cow blankie, "Get out yer bed, mommy!" And, the famous, tshirt turned hankie moment.... this is it. This is what people look back on and MISS! This is the stuff that doesn't make it in the list of goals. It's these little stepping stones that happen daily that lead to the big stuff. And, yes, the big stuff is big but its these little unique mini-moments that become what you and Rob REALLY talk about and look back on fondly.
You look great. I mean that. You don't look like you did when you were a senior in high school (straighter teeth, no grays, tighter abs and a tan). But you hated how you looked then, too.... no shape, chubbier cheeks, too many freckles and smaller boobs. You don't look like you did when you were fresh out of college, either. You don't look as great as you did the day before you got pregnant at 29. Nope. But you look AWESOME for you, right now, at this very moment. Someday you'll look back on when you were in your early thirties and say, "Egads, I looked fine and I was so preoccupied with thinking I was fat, out-of-shape and too old to rock anything that showed off my figure. What was wrong with me? I looked great! I'd love to look like that now!" Yes, some women can rock a hard body their whole lives... but many more don't. So, enjoy what you have now and be comfortable with yourself, finally. Won't you? This body has seen many things, traveled many places and made a human... cut yourself some slack and finally enjoy what you have, please! Geez, if you need further proof, go and ask your husband right now what he thinks. Cause, as it stands right now, he thinks you do look just as awesome as you did 9 years ago and damned... are you ever lucky to have a love-blind husband. Now go enjoy that, too!
Lastly, stop beating yourself up for what you call "failures." You often wringe your hands over wondering if Evie should be eating something better for her. If she should be going to a better, expensive school. Should Evie be involved in sports? OR belong to some gym class? Should I sign Evie up for some programs? Should I be teaching her a foreign language? Should she be encouraged to do more crafts? More challenging risks? Should I take her to museums? Is she ready for going to bigger all-day events? Hikes?!. Ack. Stop. It. Repeat after me: You will never be all things at all times and Evie will not miss out if she misses some things. You have plenty of time and kids should be kids. Each day she learns more about herself and each day you learn more about what she likes. So stop questioning if you are not challenging her enough and whether or not there should be more, more, more! Just go to the fridge, make an ice cream cone and go sit on the porch while you watch chocolate fall on her lap and then offer your sleeve for her to wipe her face on. All will be right with the world.
Start loving yourself more, fretting the details less and take the time to enjoy life's imperfections.
Love,
yourself.
I notice that sometimes you forget a few things and I'd like to take a moment to remind you... that you are awesome.
Sure, the house is not as clean as it used to be, but you also have a very active little girl, a husband, and an elderly dog. Sure, these three elements drive you crazy sometimes (Evie wipes her hands off on the couch cushions when eating cereal, Rob leaves socks everywhere in the house, the dog sheds half his weight annually) but keep in mind - these are the very things you always wanted. You simply must stop forward thinking to when Evie will stop making messes, Rob will organize his stuff better (and out of your line of vision!) and the dog won't be here to shed. All you are going to want at that time are all these gloriously awesome moments of today... you'll flip through photos of all the happy memories you are in the process of making right now wishing you could go back and enjoy it more. Sometimes you get so caught up on focusing on how things TODAY are not quite as PERFECT as YESTERDAY that you completely forget about all the things you have achieved along the way. You forget that you didn't have many of the things you have now. You forget that, even then, you still thought 5 years prior to that were easier... somehow better. Life does get more complicated. Those complications can be stressful. The "to do" list does keep growing... and it only will forever and ever, amen. You need to prioritize and reevaluate sometimes. You'll feel better.
I'm not telling you to stop trying to set and achieve goals (to stop moving ahead with breakneck speed like you famously are known to do!). Goals are great. You really are master at achieving the very things you set your mind out to accomplish. But, often, you forget that watching a show with Evie IS something. Eating an ice cream cone on the front porch after dinner. Splashing in the mud. Making a mess while eating a new food in a new dress. Skipping bath night to stay up late at an outdoor event. Skipping the healthy choices for convenience. Sitting at the table coloring while we wait for the water to boil. Evie grimmacing when you look back at her in the car (ok, you know you love that moment, I snuck that in to remind you of just how picture-perfect that moment is when it happens). Evie grabbing your face (ack! My make-up, her dirty hands!) to make your lips stick-out like a fish while she throws her head back in giggles. Sitting in a pile of newly drawn chalk drawings. Getting water thrown on you during bathtime. Wiping a butt in the middle of the night when (who poops in the middle of the night anyway??? Evie's strange) nature calls. Getting woken up at 6AM to a jingling moo-cow blankie, "Get out yer bed, mommy!" And, the famous, tshirt turned hankie moment.... this is it. This is what people look back on and MISS! This is the stuff that doesn't make it in the list of goals. It's these little stepping stones that happen daily that lead to the big stuff. And, yes, the big stuff is big but its these little unique mini-moments that become what you and Rob REALLY talk about and look back on fondly.
You look great. I mean that. You don't look like you did when you were a senior in high school (straighter teeth, no grays, tighter abs and a tan). But you hated how you looked then, too.... no shape, chubbier cheeks, too many freckles and smaller boobs. You don't look like you did when you were fresh out of college, either. You don't look as great as you did the day before you got pregnant at 29. Nope. But you look AWESOME for you, right now, at this very moment. Someday you'll look back on when you were in your early thirties and say, "Egads, I looked fine and I was so preoccupied with thinking I was fat, out-of-shape and too old to rock anything that showed off my figure. What was wrong with me? I looked great! I'd love to look like that now!" Yes, some women can rock a hard body their whole lives... but many more don't. So, enjoy what you have now and be comfortable with yourself, finally. Won't you? This body has seen many things, traveled many places and made a human... cut yourself some slack and finally enjoy what you have, please! Geez, if you need further proof, go and ask your husband right now what he thinks. Cause, as it stands right now, he thinks you do look just as awesome as you did 9 years ago and damned... are you ever lucky to have a love-blind husband. Now go enjoy that, too!
Lastly, stop beating yourself up for what you call "failures." You often wringe your hands over wondering if Evie should be eating something better for her. If she should be going to a better, expensive school. Should Evie be involved in sports? OR belong to some gym class? Should I sign Evie up for some programs? Should I be teaching her a foreign language? Should she be encouraged to do more crafts? More challenging risks? Should I take her to museums? Is she ready for going to bigger all-day events? Hikes?!. Ack. Stop. It. Repeat after me: You will never be all things at all times and Evie will not miss out if she misses some things. You have plenty of time and kids should be kids. Each day she learns more about herself and each day you learn more about what she likes. So stop questioning if you are not challenging her enough and whether or not there should be more, more, more! Just go to the fridge, make an ice cream cone and go sit on the porch while you watch chocolate fall on her lap and then offer your sleeve for her to wipe her face on. All will be right with the world.
Start loving yourself more, fretting the details less and take the time to enjoy life's imperfections.
Love,
yourself.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Gearing up for summer...
Fill 'er up!
Charlie takes it in the face.
And now we water the sidewalk.
A girl could get used to this!
Yum! First cone of the season...
Charlie takes it in the face.
And now we water the sidewalk.
A girl could get used to this!
Yum! First cone of the season...
Monday, May 03, 2010
*** Post Surgery update
This will, hopefully, be last depressing post regarding this miscarriage. This is, after, Evie's website and was designed to be more of a "fun & sarcastic" look at being a mom.... its not me to dwell on big things for too long. Today was the surgery so I shall press on.
We dropped off Eve at T's house and got to the doctor's office slightly early.
Paperwork signed and a small wait later, I'm weighed and led to my section behind the curtain. Strip down and put your stuff in a bag, don a gown and a hairnet, and suddenly I feel like a little girl who doesn't have a clue of what to do next.Is it weird I felt more naked when I had to leave my wedding band at home this morning? I never take it off for anything...
I get on my bed and am wrapped in oven-toasty blankets. I feel better.
The nurse, Ann, asks a lot of questions including, "So how far along were you?" I think to myself, thank God I'm like a rock in these situations... an emotional woman would not handle this so well. And yet I start to cry each and every time a different nurse asks the question, "Why are you here?"
"I'm having a D&C."
Mark, the anesthesiologist, is incredible nice and slightly goofy - I welcomed that.
Another nurse stops by to hit me with a drug to keep me from getting sick to my stomach.
Two more nurses, Stacy and another Ann, tell me they'll be in during the procedure.
Everyone is super accommodating and nice. The clock has, thankfully, zoomed to 11:50AM.
Here's the doctor!
He seems scattered, God I hope he ate lunch.
Things go quick and off I am wheeled.
I never noticed when they slipped me something but as I am being wheeled into the room, my eye roll in my head and I cannot keep my eyes focused on anyone thing. Its like having the spins. I mention this and my words sounds worse than being completely drunk. My mental faculties kind of fight this, someone tells me its to be expected, and then I am in a warm bed looking at a nurses station. I see a clock - its 1:10PM.
I try to fight of the groggies thinking we need to go pick-up Evie soon. I loose the battle and zonk out for another 15minutes.
The nurse who gave me the stomach meds offers a sprite... my mouth feels like a desert.
Someone gets Rob. I wonder what I may have said to him during that time... Its a little fuzzy. I wanted to go home.
Rob helps me get dressed (I manage just fine) and a wheelchair pulls up.
Rob leaves to pull the car around and we wheel down while the nurse and I talk about shoes (Danskos!)... ah, nervous chatter.
Rob drops me off at home and leaves to go get Evie. I finish off leftovers for lunch and zonk out for another hour and a half. Thank goodness Evie took a nap, too... down time for everyone.
This afternoon has been rather simple. No cramping at all. I was prescribed meds but haven't even looked at them yet (me not being one to take meds unless its a near death experience). I've had very light bleeding (hardly any at all - its bleeding like from a cut, not a period). I've eaten a big dinner and I feel... just fine.
Tomorrow, work from home and, soon thereafter, continue life where I left it just over a month ago.
We dropped off Eve at T's house and got to the doctor's office slightly early.
Paperwork signed and a small wait later, I'm weighed and led to my section behind the curtain. Strip down and put your stuff in a bag, don a gown and a hairnet, and suddenly I feel like a little girl who doesn't have a clue of what to do next.Is it weird I felt more naked when I had to leave my wedding band at home this morning? I never take it off for anything...
I get on my bed and am wrapped in oven-toasty blankets. I feel better.
The nurse, Ann, asks a lot of questions including, "So how far along were you?" I think to myself, thank God I'm like a rock in these situations... an emotional woman would not handle this so well. And yet I start to cry each and every time a different nurse asks the question, "Why are you here?"
"I'm having a D&C."
Mark, the anesthesiologist, is incredible nice and slightly goofy - I welcomed that.
Another nurse stops by to hit me with a drug to keep me from getting sick to my stomach.
Two more nurses, Stacy and another Ann, tell me they'll be in during the procedure.
Everyone is super accommodating and nice. The clock has, thankfully, zoomed to 11:50AM.
Here's the doctor!
He seems scattered, God I hope he ate lunch.
Things go quick and off I am wheeled.
I never noticed when they slipped me something but as I am being wheeled into the room, my eye roll in my head and I cannot keep my eyes focused on anyone thing. Its like having the spins. I mention this and my words sounds worse than being completely drunk. My mental faculties kind of fight this, someone tells me its to be expected, and then I am in a warm bed looking at a nurses station. I see a clock - its 1:10PM.
I try to fight of the groggies thinking we need to go pick-up Evie soon. I loose the battle and zonk out for another 15minutes.
The nurse who gave me the stomach meds offers a sprite... my mouth feels like a desert.
Someone gets Rob. I wonder what I may have said to him during that time... Its a little fuzzy. I wanted to go home.
Rob helps me get dressed (I manage just fine) and a wheelchair pulls up.
Rob leaves to pull the car around and we wheel down while the nurse and I talk about shoes (Danskos!)... ah, nervous chatter.
Rob drops me off at home and leaves to go get Evie. I finish off leftovers for lunch and zonk out for another hour and a half. Thank goodness Evie took a nap, too... down time for everyone.
This afternoon has been rather simple. No cramping at all. I was prescribed meds but haven't even looked at them yet (me not being one to take meds unless its a near death experience). I've had very light bleeding (hardly any at all - its bleeding like from a cut, not a period). I've eaten a big dinner and I feel... just fine.
Tomorrow, work from home and, soon thereafter, continue life where I left it just over a month ago.
*** DNC - Doesn't mean Democratic National Convention
Today's appt: 11:45AM.
Must get there: 10:15AM.
Must leave home: 9:45AM.
And Evie? Well, either Rob didn't know, somebody forgot to mention/ask, or the sitter never told us - she is out all day today.
Oh great, I can only imagine being a fly on the wall with Evie stuck in a waiting from for upwards for 4hrs. The "procedure" takes up to 30minutes and the "recovery time" can also take upwards of 30minutes.... What's one to do.
Thank God T offered to take/watch Evie while we endure this event.
Hopefully, Evie who is notoriously scared/nervous of any break in her routine, will embrace this day as a fun way to break from going to the Sitter's House.... and see this as a chance to play with a friend.
I'm starving. I can't eat anything before surgery and am only supposed to have clear liquids.
I cheated and had camomile tea... hopefully it counts as being clear enough.
I have 45minutes to kill and I don't know where to begin with killing the time.
Do I watch a show with Evie? Do I surf the web? Do I sit here and wringe my hands like my mother would do?
Must get there: 10:15AM.
Must leave home: 9:45AM.
And Evie? Well, either Rob didn't know, somebody forgot to mention/ask, or the sitter never told us - she is out all day today.
Oh great, I can only imagine being a fly on the wall with Evie stuck in a waiting from for upwards for 4hrs. The "procedure" takes up to 30minutes and the "recovery time" can also take upwards of 30minutes.... What's one to do.
Thank God T offered to take/watch Evie while we endure this event.
Hopefully, Evie who is notoriously scared/nervous of any break in her routine, will embrace this day as a fun way to break from going to the Sitter's House.... and see this as a chance to play with a friend.
I'm starving. I can't eat anything before surgery and am only supposed to have clear liquids.
I cheated and had camomile tea... hopefully it counts as being clear enough.
I have 45minutes to kill and I don't know where to begin with killing the time.
Do I watch a show with Evie? Do I surf the web? Do I sit here and wringe my hands like my mother would do?
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Clean, clean, clean.
I've been cleaning the hell out of this house this weekend. I had let things "go" in order to remain stress-free during my touch-and-go pregnancy but since it went I decided to make up for lost time. I vacuumed all the rooms, we changed the beds, dusted, cleaned up outside, etc, etc.
I think I was really impacted by "The Velveteen Rabbit" when I was a kid because recovering from any sickness can only be kicked-off by cleaning EVERYTHING. And this past month - feels like a long..., overstayed... sickness.
I think I was really impacted by "The Velveteen Rabbit" when I was a kid because recovering from any sickness can only be kicked-off by cleaning EVERYTHING. And this past month - feels like a long..., overstayed... sickness.
*** Diary of a miscarriage: day 2 after finding out the news
I found out on Friday, April 30th that our pregnancy had failed. Any post that begins with the "***" is part of that storyline. You can choose to read back to the beginning on April 1st or choose to skip those entries.
By the end of the day Friday I was pouring out blood every time I pee'd. OK, maybe its not quite "pouring out" if it sorta ceased when I stood but it really did look like floodgates to me. Maybe its just floodgates when you are psychologically trained to know that being pregnant and blood don't (or shouldn't) go together. Retraining my brain is challenging: This, is what happens when the baby isn't alive.
I'm sort of stuck in limbo. I have too much work to do (deadlines! deadlines!) so I resumed working from home until 5PM the day I found out. It helps to focus on a task and yet it's so eff'ing lame when some co-workers nag me about some shit I am finding trivial in comparison to my current ordeal.
I don't want to eat. I want what's in there to just die off completely, dry up and go away. I'm mad at it.
Friday night, friends offer to come over for a drink. Its been awhile since I've had a glass of wine... I send Rob to the store to pick-up a bottle of red that I like. Two girlfriends join my on the patio after I put Evie down. I feel normal again... no hidden thoughts about "I wonder how pregnant I am? I wonder if the baby's ok? I wonder, I wonder..." All that wasted time I spent thinking about shit I have no control over. That thought later spills over into a soap box lecture I have with Rob the next day after we go to the Chesterfield Berry Farm. I just let a lot of what I had been bottling up spill all over Rob as he lay there trying to take a nap. Just an "open mouth, pour thoughts" kind of rant. I was pissed. I am pissed. This whole situation goes back farther than just this past month. It goes back to when we started trying one year ago this month. How the f*ck could I be so stupid as to put everything on hold WAITING to get pregnant? I put off planning a weekend away with the girls cause "What if I got pregnant?" I put off buying new clothes cause "What if I spend $200 and then get pregnant?" I put off really planning that trip to Europe cause "Well, we were going to try and get pregnant and I'd hate to waste the time only to be in Europe unable to drink or possibly nauseated the whole time."
So, here I am. One year later. Still, fucking, waiting. And you know what? It goes back to when I had Evie. I got back in shape pretty quickly and then just as quickly I noticed this tummy on me. At first I didn't care figuring I looked good for my age but when it began to spill over my pants... when it began to bounce when I walked, when I started to TUCK MY FLAB into my pants while sitting in a meeting at work I thought, "This is freaking unreal." I looks like shit. So here I am, lookin' like shit, feeling like shit and all this cause I put everything on hold cause I was "going to get pregnant again."
Rob listened to my outpouring in a very sympathetic fashion and simply added: "You tend to try to control the things you can't." And, its true.
By the end of the day Friday I was pouring out blood every time I pee'd. OK, maybe its not quite "pouring out" if it sorta ceased when I stood but it really did look like floodgates to me. Maybe its just floodgates when you are psychologically trained to know that being pregnant and blood don't (or shouldn't) go together. Retraining my brain is challenging: This, is what happens when the baby isn't alive.
I'm sort of stuck in limbo. I have too much work to do (deadlines! deadlines!) so I resumed working from home until 5PM the day I found out. It helps to focus on a task and yet it's so eff'ing lame when some co-workers nag me about some shit I am finding trivial in comparison to my current ordeal.
I don't want to eat. I want what's in there to just die off completely, dry up and go away. I'm mad at it.
Friday night, friends offer to come over for a drink. Its been awhile since I've had a glass of wine... I send Rob to the store to pick-up a bottle of red that I like. Two girlfriends join my on the patio after I put Evie down. I feel normal again... no hidden thoughts about "I wonder how pregnant I am? I wonder if the baby's ok? I wonder, I wonder..." All that wasted time I spent thinking about shit I have no control over. That thought later spills over into a soap box lecture I have with Rob the next day after we go to the Chesterfield Berry Farm. I just let a lot of what I had been bottling up spill all over Rob as he lay there trying to take a nap. Just an "open mouth, pour thoughts" kind of rant. I was pissed. I am pissed. This whole situation goes back farther than just this past month. It goes back to when we started trying one year ago this month. How the f*ck could I be so stupid as to put everything on hold WAITING to get pregnant? I put off planning a weekend away with the girls cause "What if I got pregnant?" I put off buying new clothes cause "What if I spend $200 and then get pregnant?" I put off really planning that trip to Europe cause "Well, we were going to try and get pregnant and I'd hate to waste the time only to be in Europe unable to drink or possibly nauseated the whole time."
So, here I am. One year later. Still, fucking, waiting. And you know what? It goes back to when I had Evie. I got back in shape pretty quickly and then just as quickly I noticed this tummy on me. At first I didn't care figuring I looked good for my age but when it began to spill over my pants... when it began to bounce when I walked, when I started to TUCK MY FLAB into my pants while sitting in a meeting at work I thought, "This is freaking unreal." I looks like shit. So here I am, lookin' like shit, feeling like shit and all this cause I put everything on hold cause I was "going to get pregnant again."
Rob listened to my outpouring in a very sympathetic fashion and simply added: "You tend to try to control the things you can't." And, its true.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Chesterfield Berry Farm - Strawberry Fest!
T took her kid to this when he was 1 year old and it looked awesome (minus the fact that he was maybe too young to really help "pick" strawberries... maybe "mush them on the vine" is more like it). We waited till Evie was a bit bigger to get the concept and this year was perfect!
For $5 each (kids under 2 are free and they let Evie scoot on in for free!) we got a tractor ride to the fields, the opportunity to collect berries all on our own, chance to see farm animals (goats! chickens! bunnies! cows!), and we decided to skip the chance at jumping on large bails of hay (there's been enough pollen in this family's nose!). We picked just over 7lbs of berries in mere minutes ($2 a lb!). We got 2 freshly made strawberry milkshakes on our way out 2 hours later and enjoyed a nice, quiet ride home.
Reconnecting with family over the basics is seriously a weekend well spent.
Evie says to me while waiting for daddy to get the car, "Mommy? I had a good day." She then promptly took over my strawberry milkshake and announced, "Hey! I like dis!"
For $5 each (kids under 2 are free and they let Evie scoot on in for free!) we got a tractor ride to the fields, the opportunity to collect berries all on our own, chance to see farm animals (goats! chickens! bunnies! cows!), and we decided to skip the chance at jumping on large bails of hay (there's been enough pollen in this family's nose!). We picked just over 7lbs of berries in mere minutes ($2 a lb!). We got 2 freshly made strawberry milkshakes on our way out 2 hours later and enjoyed a nice, quiet ride home.
Reconnecting with family over the basics is seriously a weekend well spent.
Evie says to me while waiting for daddy to get the car, "Mommy? I had a good day." She then promptly took over my strawberry milkshake and announced, "Hey! I like dis!"
Friday, April 30, 2010
*** Diary of a miscarriage
So, I have been writing about my pregnancy since we had a positive home test on April 1st. I thought I'd "release" all of my story once we were "in the clear" to do so, but now, with the final diagnosis of miscarriage, now's a good a time as any to post all those notes.
I have conveniently back-tracked and labeled all the the entries pertaining to baby X with "***" in the headline... feel free to go back in time to the first entry on April 1, or, feel free to avoid them cause you don't like potentially sad stories.
Today was our 3rd, and now final, sonogram.
Today was a follow-up to seeing a heartbeat just a week and a half ago.
Today was going to be a day we finally measure this kid to find out a due date.
Rob had to wait in the lobby on this visit since Evie's sitter is on vacation this week (and we forgot when making the appointment). Evie and Rob sat with a pile of books & goldfish in the waiting room while I sat in the sonogram room with video camera in hand. Yes, I had my iFlip with me. I was going to document it all to show Rob later since he was going to miss it while looking after Evie.
The lights went on, I hit "record," and now I can forever remember the words, "You see this here? The yolk sac that was nice and round last time? See how its now misshapen?" That comment then gave way to, "And over here, I just see some tissue and some calcium... I no longer see the heartbeat we saw last time. (pause, pan to the other side) You can see some placental tissue over here..."
I just kept the camera on. Silently. Taping.
I think it was a way of keeping focused on not saying something stupid. A way of treating this situation as a complete scientific situation and not the heart breaking moment it would be moments AFTER the DNC would be over. He looked around for awhile and said a few more things about what he saw. He didn't have to, I saw it all right away, too.
He stopped.
I stopped.
"Well, I guess now's the time where we talk about what our next steps..."
I cut him off.
"DNC. I want a DNC. I don't want to wait for anything, anymore."
He nodded and got exactly what I was driving at. He knew I wanted to be far removed from any part of this situation and to be teleported to anywhere, anytime far, far away from right here.
"We'll talk with Tammy (his head nurse) and set something up for Monday." "Wah-mwah-mwah-mwah," I honest to God heard nothing but inaudible talk after that as he told me about not eating before surgery... about how he knows my body can do this so there can always be another positive situation....
I cut him off again, "When can we try again?"
"I'd like to see one full, normal period and then after that."
"I know its stupid.... and selfish.... but,... I never wanted to have kids too far apart in age."
"Its not stupid! Everyone has plans. Look, we'll get you back on track and if you'd like to talk to a specialist right away to make sure you guys are turning over every stone to ensure a healthy pregnancy, you go right ahead and call."
I start to tear-up cause the thought of starting over has me sick. We've been trying for one full year for this. We tried for 2 1/2 years for Evie. I begin to add up the numbers in my head and question if I ever even want another kid. I question how I've let myself go all this past year instead of focusing ON ME all in the name of " trying to have baby number 2." I'm fatter than I've ever been, I never go anywhere with the girls, I put off a trip to Chicago... my head is spinning. The ferris-wheel of crazies has me captured. I break free. I'm back in the room and my pants are still off while a doctor is talking to me. I nod feverishly to anything he says in the hopes he'll soon leave.
He soon does.
On his way out he adds in a soft tone (trying to be helpful), "You have no dietary restrictions at this point."
"Good," I quickly add, "Cause I plan to get drunk tonight."
He laughs.
I pinch my eyes shut tight to pop out the tears I had been balancing on my lower eyelid, wipe them away and walk out in a very business-like, matter-of-fact sort of way.
I wait for the head nurse at the nurse's station. I tell her flatly I need to scedule a DNC. She offers condolences and I nod (holding back tears). She says she'll call me with a confirmation this afternoon. I turn and there's Rob... totally innocent and unaware of the news I had yet to share. I simply shake my head "no" and he looks shocked. He looks shocked in the sort of way you watched someone swipe a candy bar out of your hands. Sweet and childlike. He was holding Evie... it was hard for me to hold back tears then... but I somewhat succeeded.
I checked out, paid my co-pay and got on the elevator. I joked that I planned to have a drink tonight. Rob suggests Mexican lunch and margarittas. Excellent plan.
In the car, on the way to the restuarant I tell Rob, "You know, I'm angry."
He says he understands.
I tell him, "I mean, I'm 40% sad but 60% angry."
I stew for a short while.
Evie heard me and responds from the back seat, "Mommy? I'm so so sorry, mommy. Mommy? I'm so so sorry."
I finally cried. She has absolutely no idea what impact her perfectly timed words have.
I swallow, wait and thank her.
We get home after lunch to a flurry of nurse calls.
I solidify my appointment for 11:45AM (be there at 10:15AM) on Monday.
Its almost all over.
I have conveniently back-tracked and labeled all the the entries pertaining to baby X with "***" in the headline... feel free to go back in time to the first entry on April 1, or, feel free to avoid them cause you don't like potentially sad stories.
Today was our 3rd, and now final, sonogram.
Today was a follow-up to seeing a heartbeat just a week and a half ago.
Today was going to be a day we finally measure this kid to find out a due date.
Rob had to wait in the lobby on this visit since Evie's sitter is on vacation this week (and we forgot when making the appointment). Evie and Rob sat with a pile of books & goldfish in the waiting room while I sat in the sonogram room with video camera in hand. Yes, I had my iFlip with me. I was going to document it all to show Rob later since he was going to miss it while looking after Evie.
The lights went on, I hit "record," and now I can forever remember the words, "You see this here? The yolk sac that was nice and round last time? See how its now misshapen?" That comment then gave way to, "And over here, I just see some tissue and some calcium... I no longer see the heartbeat we saw last time. (pause, pan to the other side) You can see some placental tissue over here..."
I just kept the camera on. Silently. Taping.
I think it was a way of keeping focused on not saying something stupid. A way of treating this situation as a complete scientific situation and not the heart breaking moment it would be moments AFTER the DNC would be over. He looked around for awhile and said a few more things about what he saw. He didn't have to, I saw it all right away, too.
He stopped.
I stopped.
"Well, I guess now's the time where we talk about what our next steps..."
I cut him off.
"DNC. I want a DNC. I don't want to wait for anything, anymore."
He nodded and got exactly what I was driving at. He knew I wanted to be far removed from any part of this situation and to be teleported to anywhere, anytime far, far away from right here.
"We'll talk with Tammy (his head nurse) and set something up for Monday." "Wah-mwah-mwah-mwah," I honest to God heard nothing but inaudible talk after that as he told me about not eating before surgery... about how he knows my body can do this so there can always be another positive situation....
I cut him off again, "When can we try again?"
"I'd like to see one full, normal period and then after that."
"I know its stupid.... and selfish.... but,... I never wanted to have kids too far apart in age."
"Its not stupid! Everyone has plans. Look, we'll get you back on track and if you'd like to talk to a specialist right away to make sure you guys are turning over every stone to ensure a healthy pregnancy, you go right ahead and call."
I start to tear-up cause the thought of starting over has me sick. We've been trying for one full year for this. We tried for 2 1/2 years for Evie. I begin to add up the numbers in my head and question if I ever even want another kid. I question how I've let myself go all this past year instead of focusing ON ME all in the name of " trying to have baby number 2." I'm fatter than I've ever been, I never go anywhere with the girls, I put off a trip to Chicago... my head is spinning. The ferris-wheel of crazies has me captured. I break free. I'm back in the room and my pants are still off while a doctor is talking to me. I nod feverishly to anything he says in the hopes he'll soon leave.
He soon does.
On his way out he adds in a soft tone (trying to be helpful), "You have no dietary restrictions at this point."
"Good," I quickly add, "Cause I plan to get drunk tonight."
He laughs.
I pinch my eyes shut tight to pop out the tears I had been balancing on my lower eyelid, wipe them away and walk out in a very business-like, matter-of-fact sort of way.
I wait for the head nurse at the nurse's station. I tell her flatly I need to scedule a DNC. She offers condolences and I nod (holding back tears). She says she'll call me with a confirmation this afternoon. I turn and there's Rob... totally innocent and unaware of the news I had yet to share. I simply shake my head "no" and he looks shocked. He looks shocked in the sort of way you watched someone swipe a candy bar out of your hands. Sweet and childlike. He was holding Evie... it was hard for me to hold back tears then... but I somewhat succeeded.
I checked out, paid my co-pay and got on the elevator. I joked that I planned to have a drink tonight. Rob suggests Mexican lunch and margarittas. Excellent plan.
In the car, on the way to the restuarant I tell Rob, "You know, I'm angry."
He says he understands.
I tell him, "I mean, I'm 40% sad but 60% angry."
I stew for a short while.
Evie heard me and responds from the back seat, "Mommy? I'm so so sorry, mommy. Mommy? I'm so so sorry."
I finally cried. She has absolutely no idea what impact her perfectly timed words have.
I swallow, wait and thank her.
We get home after lunch to a flurry of nurse calls.
I solidify my appointment for 11:45AM (be there at 10:15AM) on Monday.
Its almost all over.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Miles' Turns 3: A Birthday Party
Let's start with a snack...
Legos are fun!
Everyone gets down to business...
Hide under the table!
C'mon Kendall, join us!
Yes! Cupcakes!
Open presents, teamwork!
Hungry, Hungry Hippos!
Game on...
Time for hugs good-bye!
Group photo time!
Legos are fun!
Everyone gets down to business...
Hide under the table!
C'mon Kendall, join us!
Yes! Cupcakes!
Open presents, teamwork!
Hungry, Hungry Hippos!
Game on...
Time for hugs good-bye!
Group photo time!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
*** 2nd Sonogram - follow-up
Rob and I move about the motions at the doctors office rather fluidly after having just been here one week ago. I'm feeling good (since the bleeding stopped) and I'm trying on a positive attitude.
The nurse lists, AGAIN, all of my medical history... "c'mon, c'mon... get on with it!" is all I can think...
I undress waist down and wait for the doctor. He asks about the bleeding, the pregnancy symptoms I may now be experiencing or may have recently ended. I excitedly tell him that I had recently begun feeling more hungry and the bleeding was only 1 day. My boobs still felt big and I just had a good feeling that we'd see something. He seems happy to hear my positive attitude and "dives right in."
I grab Rob's hand.
We see a field of white... then the big black hole... then a splotch of grey floating in the middle with a very small, round yolk sac stuck to it... and a HEART BEAT! This is good, right? I mean, its a little slower than I recall Evie's being (the doctor picks up on my vibe and immediately says, "Remember it starts of slow and gains speed as it gets older...."). I ask how far along I am and he sys he can't quite tell a head or rump to take a measurement. I find this a little odd cause (counting on my fingers) I've got to be at least 7 weeks. I press him on, ""If you had to take a guess on age just simply based on the yolk sac, my period, the heart beat.... what would you say?"
He replies, "The 5-6 week range,"
Hmm, odd. But still, he seems OK with what he sees so maybe I ovulated late or maybe I don't know as much as I thought I knew. I sit back and give in to the expertise and ask when we need to come back. The doctor asks for 10 days (yipes, that's a long time!) and we settle on the following Friday (today being Wednesday). So, 9 days.
9 more days to wait.
The nurse lists, AGAIN, all of my medical history... "c'mon, c'mon... get on with it!" is all I can think...
I undress waist down and wait for the doctor. He asks about the bleeding, the pregnancy symptoms I may now be experiencing or may have recently ended. I excitedly tell him that I had recently begun feeling more hungry and the bleeding was only 1 day. My boobs still felt big and I just had a good feeling that we'd see something. He seems happy to hear my positive attitude and "dives right in."
I grab Rob's hand.
We see a field of white... then the big black hole... then a splotch of grey floating in the middle with a very small, round yolk sac stuck to it... and a HEART BEAT! This is good, right? I mean, its a little slower than I recall Evie's being (the doctor picks up on my vibe and immediately says, "Remember it starts of slow and gains speed as it gets older...."). I ask how far along I am and he sys he can't quite tell a head or rump to take a measurement. I find this a little odd cause (counting on my fingers) I've got to be at least 7 weeks. I press him on, ""If you had to take a guess on age just simply based on the yolk sac, my period, the heart beat.... what would you say?"
He replies, "The 5-6 week range,"
Hmm, odd. But still, he seems OK with what he sees so maybe I ovulated late or maybe I don't know as much as I thought I knew. I sit back and give in to the expertise and ask when we need to come back. The doctor asks for 10 days (yipes, that's a long time!) and we settle on the following Friday (today being Wednesday). So, 9 days.
9 more days to wait.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
*** the 24hr wait
In 24 hrs I'll be sitting in the wait room waiting to go to the doctor's room where I will, again, wait to get a private room in order to wait for the sonogram room...and a chance to see what is happening.
All this waiting, for a very impatient person, makes for a basket-case to deal with at work & at home...
My stats so far:
• no bleeding or cramping all day Saturday (I chalk this up to severe nerves about suddenly miscarrying at a baby shower... I think I actually clenched up so tight nothing could get through even if a miscarriage was in process).
• no bleeding or cramping all day Sunday (is my luck changing? D sends inspiring text messages that speak to this maybe being a threatened abortion that passed).
• no bleeding or cramping all day Monday (I'm actually getting hungry today and some things sound great while others make me sick. Even Rob seems a little upbeat about all this)
All this waiting, for a very impatient person, makes for a basket-case to deal with at work & at home...
My stats so far:
• no bleeding or cramping all day Saturday (I chalk this up to severe nerves about suddenly miscarrying at a baby shower... I think I actually clenched up so tight nothing could get through even if a miscarriage was in process).
• no bleeding or cramping all day Sunday (is my luck changing? D sends inspiring text messages that speak to this maybe being a threatened abortion that passed).
• no bleeding or cramping all day Monday (I'm actually getting hungry today and some things sound great while others make me sick. Even Rob seems a little upbeat about all this)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
*** Research to drive my moods about what may be happening
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_bleeding_normal_for_the_first_six_weeks_of_pregnancy
I read this shit and I think "WTF am I supposed to do? Believe? I'm negative and possible helping cause things to go South with my negative thinking. Then again, am I delusional and pathetic if I attempt to think positively?"
I didn't bleed at all yesterday and I have bled at all (yet) today as of 2PM... Good signs? Or just a temporary tapering off of the inevitable?
I read this shit and I think "WTF am I supposed to do? Believe? I'm negative and possible helping cause things to go South with my negative thinking. Then again, am I delusional and pathetic if I attempt to think positively?"
I didn't bleed at all yesterday and I have bled at all (yet) today as of 2PM... Good signs? Or just a temporary tapering off of the inevitable?
Terrible Three's are Upon Us...
We've had no less than 14 meltdowns in a given hour.
Most recent "discussion"?
We watched Tom & Jerry, then Blues Clues, the n the MOVIE (yes, how much friggin' TV is this?) Finding Nemo this AM. Evie doesn't really actually sit during all of this. Its more or less on while we colored and wandered around playing with various toys...
We then went to the park for an hour, played with the neighborhood girl for half an hour and just had lunch.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, Evie (exasperated sigh since she now begins every question with "mommy" and then will ask questions in a scattered, rapid-fire succession. I'm over this after the last 6 hours of questions asked all morning-long)."
"Mommy, I wanna watch a show."
"No."
"I wanna watch Yo Gabba Gabba."
"No, Evie, we need to pick-up daddy from the airport soon. No more shows."
"WHY?!. MOM - MEEEEEEE!!!"
She proceeds to frown horribly and throw herself to the ground as if sacrificing herself to the TV Gods... hoping they may reward this display of complete devotion to the television with a one half-hour sitcom of her choosing.
I walk away.
Evie then follows me room to room crying (real tears!) so that I can truly see what hurt I have caused.
I try and ignore it, cause frankly, we had the same fit over wanting cereal for lunch (which we already had for breakfast), wanting to ride her bike while crossing the street, when we wanted to put on her shirt by herself (after needing me to help her turn it around since it was backwards), and her not wanting me to brush her hair.
Boy, I can hardly stand the anticipation for what the afternoon may bring.
Pins and needles!
Moments later
Most recent "discussion"?
We watched Tom & Jerry, then Blues Clues, the n the MOVIE (yes, how much friggin' TV is this?) Finding Nemo this AM. Evie doesn't really actually sit during all of this. Its more or less on while we colored and wandered around playing with various toys...
We then went to the park for an hour, played with the neighborhood girl for half an hour and just had lunch.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, Evie (exasperated sigh since she now begins every question with "mommy" and then will ask questions in a scattered, rapid-fire succession. I'm over this after the last 6 hours of questions asked all morning-long)."
"Mommy, I wanna watch a show."
"No."
"I wanna watch Yo Gabba Gabba."
"No, Evie, we need to pick-up daddy from the airport soon. No more shows."
"WHY?!. MOM - MEEEEEEE!!!"
She proceeds to frown horribly and throw herself to the ground as if sacrificing herself to the TV Gods... hoping they may reward this display of complete devotion to the television with a one half-hour sitcom of her choosing.
I walk away.
Evie then follows me room to room crying (real tears!) so that I can truly see what hurt I have caused.
I try and ignore it, cause frankly, we had the same fit over wanting cereal for lunch (which we already had for breakfast), wanting to ride her bike while crossing the street, when we wanted to put on her shirt by herself (after needing me to help her turn it around since it was backwards), and her not wanting me to brush her hair.
Boy, I can hardly stand the anticipation for what the afternoon may bring.
Pins and needles!
Moments later
Friday, April 16, 2010
*** Blood bath...
Everything seems fine when I got up this morning at 7AM. Tom & Jerry, cereal & bagels, shower and make-up.
Rob leaves for his trip... gulp.
A half hour later I pee and look down to see a rather "full" toilet. Its all speckly and sitting in the bottom and its not all that different from a period. *sigh*. 'This can't be good,' I say to myself as I clean-up and again raid the linen closet for a maxi pad.
I send a photo to Rob. Gross? Maybe.
A sign of not wanting to endure this alone? Definitely.
I call my dad and tell him to not hold his breath, it doesn't look good (to me) and I have yet to hear from the doctor.
My boobs are still swollen like I'm pregnant. I read about this online - it can take awhile for pregnancy symptoms to fade. I also read that by still having symptoms that this could be good because the bleeding is just a threatened abortion/decidual bleeding.
Egads, I just want to know so I can move on... either direction this fork of the road goes will be fine... just pick a fork already!
**Update**
I call the doctor and leave a mesage with his nurses at 2PM. I basically tell them to tell the doctor, "I've been bleeding thick, red blood (much like the very first day of a period) everytime I go pee. Go ahead and tell him not to worry about breaking any bad news to me when he does call. I can take it. I'm not feeling very good about this."
An hour later, 3PM, the phone rings.
"What's going on?" he asks.
I provide details... he really says nothing aside from introspective grunts that convey neither positive or negative opinions.
I really do like my doctor. I don't take this any way other then being scientific...
"How was the blood test results?" I ask assuming the worst.
"Well, your HgG levels were good (his voice goes up into a positive upswing. This must be good, then!). They were 1400 (I can't remember the specific 1400+ number). That's a good level that we'd like to see at about your timeline for being pregnant.
The progesterone levels... you'll remember I said we would like to see them at about 15? Well, they were a 7."
I deflate assuming this means I happened to go in for bloodwork at the precise moment this pregnancy stopped thus freeze-framing my numbers as both high and starting to downfall...
He quickly finishes during my silence, "But that's doesn't really tell me what could be going on. We will need to test again and wait & see what happens before we can tell if this is on its way up or on its way down. I've seen people go on to carry healthy pregnancies with a progesterone of 1!"
I babble something here about what should I do next.
"I'd like to see you again in a week. That way we can compare and see what's happening."
Me, "Bloodwork or sonogram?"
Doctor, "We'll do another sonogram and see if we can measure any changes or see any movement. Now, if you continue to have the bleeding and it developments into cramping.... if you pass the pregnancy, then we'll have our answer. Otherwise, we'll just have to wait and see."
Great. So I quickly scribble down notes on my mental chalkboard:
1. You miscarry over the weekend and pass a huge blood clot thus, giving you your final answer.
2. You experience no hard cramping, get to next week and find a non-moving & unchanged in size baby thus, giving you your final answer.
3. You experience no hard cramping, get to next week and find a slightly more developed & larger baby thus, giving you your final answer.
So, at the end of the call, the doctor concludes that I can call him anytime over the weekend since he is on call. I feel very relieved knowing this and I begin to brace for what will feel like a very long wait to see how my 50/50 odds will fall...
Rob leaves for his trip... gulp.
A half hour later I pee and look down to see a rather "full" toilet. Its all speckly and sitting in the bottom and its not all that different from a period. *sigh*. 'This can't be good,' I say to myself as I clean-up and again raid the linen closet for a maxi pad.
I send a photo to Rob. Gross? Maybe.
A sign of not wanting to endure this alone? Definitely.
I call my dad and tell him to not hold his breath, it doesn't look good (to me) and I have yet to hear from the doctor.
My boobs are still swollen like I'm pregnant. I read about this online - it can take awhile for pregnancy symptoms to fade. I also read that by still having symptoms that this could be good because the bleeding is just a threatened abortion/decidual bleeding.
Egads, I just want to know so I can move on... either direction this fork of the road goes will be fine... just pick a fork already!
**Update**
I call the doctor and leave a mesage with his nurses at 2PM. I basically tell them to tell the doctor, "I've been bleeding thick, red blood (much like the very first day of a period) everytime I go pee. Go ahead and tell him not to worry about breaking any bad news to me when he does call. I can take it. I'm not feeling very good about this."
An hour later, 3PM, the phone rings.
"What's going on?" he asks.
I provide details... he really says nothing aside from introspective grunts that convey neither positive or negative opinions.
I really do like my doctor. I don't take this any way other then being scientific...
"How was the blood test results?" I ask assuming the worst.
"Well, your HgG levels were good (his voice goes up into a positive upswing. This must be good, then!). They were 1400 (I can't remember the specific 1400+ number). That's a good level that we'd like to see at about your timeline for being pregnant.
The progesterone levels... you'll remember I said we would like to see them at about 15? Well, they were a 7."
I deflate assuming this means I happened to go in for bloodwork at the precise moment this pregnancy stopped thus freeze-framing my numbers as both high and starting to downfall...
He quickly finishes during my silence, "But that's doesn't really tell me what could be going on. We will need to test again and wait & see what happens before we can tell if this is on its way up or on its way down. I've seen people go on to carry healthy pregnancies with a progesterone of 1!"
I babble something here about what should I do next.
"I'd like to see you again in a week. That way we can compare and see what's happening."
Me, "Bloodwork or sonogram?"
Doctor, "We'll do another sonogram and see if we can measure any changes or see any movement. Now, if you continue to have the bleeding and it developments into cramping.... if you pass the pregnancy, then we'll have our answer. Otherwise, we'll just have to wait and see."
Great. So I quickly scribble down notes on my mental chalkboard:
1. You miscarry over the weekend and pass a huge blood clot thus, giving you your final answer.
2. You experience no hard cramping, get to next week and find a non-moving & unchanged in size baby thus, giving you your final answer.
3. You experience no hard cramping, get to next week and find a slightly more developed & larger baby thus, giving you your final answer.
So, at the end of the call, the doctor concludes that I can call him anytime over the weekend since he is on call. I feel very relieved knowing this and I begin to brace for what will feel like a very long wait to see how my 50/50 odds will fall...
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