To have or not to have....

I have been trying (ok, WE have been trying) to make a baby #2 since last March.
Part of me was thinking "We should get started 'cause it took 2 years to make Evie" and... deep, deep, down... part of me was thinking, "Hell, everyone gets prego with their 2nd kid in like 2 months, this won't take long at all. I actually wasn't really worried as March came and went.. then April... then May... cause what I really wanted was a July pregnancy that would result in an April baby.
But hell.
Then went June, July, August, September... ah, sh*t... you can read the date of this post and finish that rant.
Yes, yes, to those of you who say "Relax. Don't worry. It'll happen. You did it once before..." Blah, blah. It still doesn't keep any sane women from going a wee bit wacko when those 2 weeks of questioning, "Am I? Am I NOT?" seem to drag by as I debate if I should have one more drink, suddenly take up running, or just eat candy bars for dinner. My mind plays games with me and suddenly every gas pain, midnight pee, and mid-afternoon yawn becomes a friggin' symptom. And just when I try NOT to look at the date on my computer, my watch, my calendar... to not check when my period is due... I find myself rationalizing why I should pee on a stick on the due date of my period. The same date I will inevitably GET my period by late afternoon. Ah yes, the $11 pee stick ...wasted.
When the results from my tests come back negative, I get so damned pissed at MYSELF for being so stupid as to have wasted 2 weeks playing mind games with myself that I will actually boycott anything healthy & responsible as if to be a defiant, teenager raging against the concept of pregnancy.
*sigh*
Yes, its all totally stupid and, completely embarrassing to admit. So, just listen and say nothing cause... read above again... I don't want to hear any consoling words of wisdom. Sometimes we women are just absurd for absurd's sake and all I am doing by even posting it is trying to make myself realize how silly I have been. Maybe this will keep the next 2 week ahead... a little more relaxed.

I'm also wondering if I really want another. I mean, yes, a lot of this is as a result of not getting pregnant after half a year of trying again, but all this time has really given me time to think. I don't know if I really care to go through pregnancy again. It does... kinda suck. Its amazing and fascinating but when you get down to brass tacks... it sucks.
And midnight feedings are NOT midnight feedings. They are every 3 hour feedings all day, all night.
Breast-feeding just downright sucks. Yes, yes, its a magical bonding gift between you and your baby - blah, blah. But it hurts like hell those first few exhausting, sore, tired weeks when you like like shit, feel like hell, have a big flooby belly, and now you are soaking wet from your t*ts leaking. I mean, c'mon!?. And trying to go shopping or getting ANYTHING done, forget about it. I never did master whipping out a boob in public & all my shirts where blown-out from stretching up over my chest to try and feed a baby. I just so desperately wanted my dignity, privacy and body back it wasn't even funny.
Babies poop WAY too much. 12 diapers a day? Erg.
Bottles are an annoying pain in the arse to clean, make and transport. Thank Gawd Evie can now share a straw with me, sip from a cup and will accept less expensive alternatives to formula.
Baby food is a pain to transport, too. We split our meals with Evie, its perfect.
Demanding & bored 6-month-olds are NOT easy. Sure, they can now sit up and entertain themselves in an action center, but they don't want to! They want to be held-up and carted EVERYTWHERE! You can't put them down on the ground... anywhere!.... and they cannot move themselves to reach that one item they really want 3 feet away. And 2 naps a day? So much for getting anything done! If you actually do try and leave the house, you just got to race back for that second nap... oh yeah, and don't forget the bottle, the food, the pacifier and multiple seat covers you need to bring with you!

*sigh*

All I know is, I'm going to throw away the calendar and throw caution to the wind up until Evie hits 3. After that, its anyone's guess but I am losing my enthusiasm for wanting a second kid. That, and I am anticipating a trip to Maui in February. Right now, that sounds way more exciting that midnight pees, sciatica and extreme exhaustion.