Tears, sweat and pee

That's what the L&D (labor and delivery) hall smells like. It smells like a men's locker room. I'm hit in the face with the reminder that !CAUTION! THERE'S WORK UP AHEAD!
Rob and I toured the hospital last night. One hour is all it takes (which, is quick and yet didn't go by as fast as I thought it would) to realize, *gulp*, this pregnancy road trip does end. And..., it doesn't end with one big party, we then all go home and sleep in the following morning. It ends with a wild, new beginning!
I had all these questions. Does the hospital donate cord blood? Is there an anesthesiologist on duty 24hrs?
My mind went blank.
All I remember is an ER door in which we walk through to the elevator and then... I'm not too sure. We walked into this hall (I don't remember a check-in desk, where the hell do we check-in?) that leads to L&D. I distinctly heard "no cell phones" and I heard "sports channel" (No, Rob. Don't even THINK it). I saw what appeared to be FLOOD LIGHTS in the ceiling aimed right for your crotch and I remember a rolling potty seat in the room (which, made no sense to me since it was resting next to the toilet. Why is this in the room? Will I be going potty in a roll-a-round seat in the middle of the room?!.).
Enough of that wing.
The post-partum rooms are very nice (Rob fears we'll be short-changed and they'll be overbooked leaving us in the room with no bed for him, or worse still, we'd get the storage room).
And the babies. Oh! The babies. Man, they were all cute. Usually newborns are kinda creepy looking. But the hospital had a very nice, ripe patch last night. They were all bundled tight with fat red cheeks. They looked like little eskimos, really.
The 8 pounder (well, 8 lb 10oz) girl freaked me out slightly - she was huge. I can't do that. I eyeballed the 7lb 6oz boy That size baby looked much more doable. Ah, yes. It is decided then. I will have a small, evenly proportioned (and healthy!) 7.5lb baby. Well, that wasn't so bad a tour afterall.

Cankles

Well, they've begun. I noticed my toes were a little puffy EOD on Wednesday. By Thursday night, my feet looked puffy. Friday night everything was swollen and on Saturday night, my inside ankle seemed to bid adieu.
*sigh*.
I knew this day would come. But, I think, in the back-of-my-mind, it wouldn't afflict me. I haven't exactly been living in pregnancy-denial, but, some parts of it I have been. They just don't show moms-to-be with flat lifeless hair, arched backs, puffy eyes and swollen feet. They don't exist in the marketing world so somehow I thought not all people endured this. I was wrong - they do!

I've also begun to slow... down...... alot. Two weeks ago I felt a bit sluggish and uneager. I couldn't concentrate on any one activity nor could I get anything accomplished. This past week was a bit more focused and yet one activity, like watering the plants on the front porch, was enough to call it a day. How the hell am I going to be next week? Will waking and breathing be my two major accomplishments? And, what the hell will I do when I'm pregnant again with a toddler running about? How does anyone do that?!.

Last, but not least, on my thought-streaming, Rob assembled the bookshelf. I plan to fill it with books and stuffed animals.The top will be covered with pillows (for seating!) but this is what we had on hand for the photoshoot. Also, the rug is in place (Yes, there are boxes everywhere and the room is not at all put together. This will all be remedied day-by-day in the next coming weeks, hopefully). I still would like to hang curtains, too (yes, we will removing the "Danger! Hazardous cord! Child will choke!" warning tags before baby gets here and fears that she is in the hands of careless parents). The crib should arrive next week and the changing table will be assembled (we are just putting a pad atop the dresser shown in the photo).


I've already begun buying diapers. I think I'm preparing for not wanting to leave the house... EVER... throughout the month of July. I'm building my own little fall-out shelter in the house (I even bought a 10-roll pack of toilet paper and enough dog treats to last till Christmas just so none of us will feel the need for something that isn't already here). I still need more, more, more! But, I also can't do all that much *read the aforementioned slow down I've encountered lately.

Thirty-three and a half weeks

Went to the doctor this am. As he walked in to shake my hand, "Wow! 33 1/2 weeks already - you are sailing by! Can you imagine, in 6 1/2 weeks you'll be a mother?"
Ack! No. Not really.
The time, although slow at some points and quick in others, does seem to have sailed by at this point. Now, if we look back on where I was just a few weekends before conception (we were in DC for an overnight at my friend's house and a show at Crafty Bastards)... seems like ages ago! That weekend was October 1st. October - just starting to get chilly with a few nice sunny, fall days. The month you start thinking about pumpkins and Halloween. The time of year that you realize the holidays are around the corner and the Steelers still have a chance at a decent season. (*wink*, that one was for you, Rob)
Now its spring. Hell, this weekend - it will be summer already (near 90's they say).
Someone said to Rob that it seems like all this is going by fast. He responded, "I can't remember when she wasn't pregnant." Thanks alot (as I can only picture myself as I am today... teeter-toddling with a big round belly)! I'm not sure how to take that comment.
Your persepective (from inside the body of a pregnant women) is slightly skewed. All of it is. From how large you are (my vision of myself is much smaller than not only my own reflection but smaller than others equally as pregnant), to how moody you've become, to much you've changed in terms of future-parenting ideals. I don't think I'm different, but, deep down, I am fully aware that it is all denial.
Its true. I'm huge. (yes, yes, maybe not "fat huge" - I did only gain 1lb since that last doctor's visit. I am only 26lbs more than I was pre-pregnancy, which is fantastic! But, this belly is huge, people!). I am now bumping into things with my incredibly sensitive belly and tshirts make my belly-button sore. I huff when I do things too fast and I grunt when I roll in bed at night. I also... no longer bend for anything unless absolutely necessary.
I'm also moodier. Well, I've always been bit of a crank due to my high-strung nature... but now I have become more sensitive to things and I find myself taking things personally.
I have begun looking at things from the eyes of a parent. I didn't want to buy doors for the baby's bookshelf in case her fingers got smashed... since when do I think about these types of things? I've also begun thinking about buying organic fruits/veggies and making my own baby food when we get there. I worry that the mattress won't have time to air out before she gets here and that the varnish on the new crib will smell too strong. I hope all this is good worry and not high-strung neurosis from which I'll never return. I don't plan on panicking, but hell, with all the changes that have happened in recent months, that could be just around the corner, too!
But in any case. Six and a half weeks and this will all end... and being a mom begins. I just hope I'm ready.

Boob Juice 101

OK, so the class is actually called "Breast Feeding Basics" but my immature, internal 8-yr-old wants to call it 'Boob Juice class'. And really, can't we all have fun in the fact that we are now moms turned cow? The whole thing is handled much more appropriately with a slight giggle. Or, at least that's how I deal with things of this nature.
Class was last night. Rob flat-out refused to attend the class for couples so I attended the 'women only' class. I wasn't the only one there with a reluctant husband. Ultimately, it was probably for the best that he did not attend otherwise my supressed fits of laughter would have come out after watching the brief video of some gorgeous, albeit air-headed, mom of seven (7) who's mission was to get the world to breastfeed.
The instructor, who looked EXACTLY like a lunch lady we had in high school, was very excited and energetic about breasts. She knew a lot - which was fantastic. But she also knew so much, I could have gone my whole life not knowing some details about the human boob.
At one point, the instructor actually made me hold a beanie-baby boobie up to my cheast and simulate breastfeeding a plastic doll. She then shoved my fake titty into the baby's mouth and made fishlips showing me how she will suck. I. DIED. I laughed and turned red while letting the baby droop. She looked at me like she didn't get it and I just had to tell her, "I'm sorry, you're going to have to bear with me while I breastfeed an inanimate object in front of 10 total strangers!"
Fortnuately, the chick next to me also laughed but there were a large number of serious ones in there, too.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for motherhood if I can't be serious.
Maybe I am just right for it.

Thank God.

In a Discover Magazine article:

Pain. Natural redheads have a higher pain threshold than others, says geneticist Jeffrey Mogil of McGill University’s pain laboratory. Men and women with naturally red hair can withstand 25 percent more electric shock than non-redheads. And painkillers used in childbirth work three times better on red-haired women than on others. Mogil and his team found that the mutant gene that causes red hair, melanocortin-1 (MC1R), also affects how redheads (including mice) react to pain. Now geneticist Ian Jackson of the United Kingdom Medical Research Council plans to study redheads in the hope of developing new painkillers.

Altho, I wonder about the testing of electric shock threshold....

32 Weeks and counting...

And, expanding! I cannot believe this is my belly. I feel large, I mean, I am much slower these days what with all the difficulty in standing from a seated position, having to forcifully flop my body from side-to-side at night, and the huffing after walking short distances. This must be the "glowing" part of pregnancy you hear about.
Its funny, but when I look down on myself, I think I look 4-5 months pregnant. I see my belly, yes, but I think natue has a way of providing you with an awesome rack designed to distract you from the enormity just below. My boobs fill up the bottom part of my vision so as not to allow me to freak-out at the largeness looming underneath them. But, when I see photos or pass by a full-length mirror (in which, I always lift my shirt - how can one resist seeing that its your skin this big and not just a sloppy shirt?)... wow. Time has flown, when did THIS happen? All the conversations I had with my fellow pre-natal yoga classmates rush to mind, "Look at her stomach! I'm not getting THAT big!" Right.

In other news, we still haven't gotten my sister-in-law's hand-me-down crib yet. Turns out it was delayed from a road being shut-down last week (major accident) and then it was delayed because it had THE WRONG ZIP CODE. *sigh*
It should be here soon, tho, I am told. I plan to purchase the mattress today so it has time to air out before baby's arrival. I'm beginning to wonder why I care so much. Some people have reacted to my wanting to air-out a new mattress for 2 months like I am some sort of high-strung freak. I can tell what motherhood is going to really mean—the stage of life in which you defend ALL your actions and choices because, inevitably, someone thinks your ideas are cuckoo, over-the-top or just plain stupid. Well, I read about airing out the mattress in some book that also discussed SIDS in the same chapter. And, after being pregnant for 9 months, I'm not going to get sloppy now and risk baby's health because the mattress smelled of polyfoam fumes. So, there!

We took infant CPR last week and next week is "Breastfeeding Basics" - have I written about all this before? Its just so crazy to think about taking classes and all these loose ends that suddenly need tying together in these last few months. My mind swims with all the extra-curricular activities I have signed us up for. For instance, we are meeting with a life insurance guy tomorrow and another next week, cause I read if you wait till AFTER baby (and you end up suffering from postpartum depression) your rates soar. Insurance companies consider you a suicide risk then. And, since I am naturally crazy and stand a great chance of having PPD, I figured I'd get on the ball and lock in a lower rate. Sick? Maybe. I prefer to think of it as a "savvy and thrifty" move myself.

Adjusting

Decorating a nursery is NOT,... I repeat,... NOT fun. Planning a wedding was not fun either but it had its highlights - picking out colors/styles, tasting samples, registering for all the fun stuff you’d never buy yourself, etc. Organizing a new home had its highlights,too - painting the walls a color that would kill your mother (orange living room anyone?), buying furniture you like & not worrying about your roommate destroying it in a drunken college party, and knowing that every upgrade you do will return to you when you sell it (provided you have good taste, like myself, of course).
Baby’s room. No fun. Well, I guess that statement's not entirely true, but this weekend certainly blew.
This weekend, in general, blew.
We cleared out the guest bed and delivered the headboard/footboard frame to our friend G. We tossed the mattresses (no sense keeping those in a wet basement hoping they don’t get ruined before baby needs it). We then moved (I say “we” but I really did nothing at all in my current state. Thanks, K, for helping Rob!) the lead-filled bookcase to the living room. After a small debate regarding its location - it was locked in place facing the front door. It looks good, actually.
But, like ALL moves, you then discover the heaping piles of CRAP you managed to squirrel away in every nook & cranny. The crap you never use, hardly look at, forgot you had and yet... can’t... part... with. *sigh*
We pulled out the remaining junk and baby gifts. We piled stuff everywhere. 6 spare pillows, 9 blankets, college artwork, posters, books, bags & bags of hand-me-down baby clothes, stroller, diaper pails. I - f*cking - lost - it. There is so much crap, I’m immobile. Where does this stuff go? Why do we need this? Do I want this? Can I put this in the attic? There’s too much crap in the attic already. Can I put all my pre-pregnancy clothes in the basement? Will they ever fit again? I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw myself on the bed like a teenager in a hissy-fit. I didn’t. I bitched at Rob instead. He, in turn, took his hissy-fit outside. This isn’t fun, this is miserable.
I vacuumed the floors and hand scrubbed them with Murphy's soap. I panted and about wore myself out, too. All I could think about was how dirty the rest of the house was. I felt overwhelmed.
Rob helped me assemble the new rug (we ordered swatches from FLOR. The rug is brown, cream, lime green and fuchsia squares). He quickly realized I couldn't even do it. I flopped pieces all over the floor. He took over and finished the job. It looked great. It looked like there was still so much more to do. It looked like the colorful kids' room I never had (my rooms were always little lady prints like "Laura Ashley"). It looked daunting - what the hell have we gotten ourselves into? It looked so empty - we still need so much more stuff... where will the money come from. It looked unorganized - where are ALL these clothes and linens going to fit? It looked... like the room I had been hiding behind a closed door - and it was now open. And with it, a new reality that is sinking in in fits and spurts. We have to make room for this baby in our house, in our lives, in our finances,... this is more than one adjustment.
I'm not feeling confident about the road that lies ahead. I feel a little lost and lonely. Scared, really.

*Ah-choo!*

So, at work tonight ...well, this is embarrassing... I was on my way to the potty (one cup of water doesn't stay with me very long these days) when I sneezed. You can fill in the gaps to complete the story.
It wasn't a trainwreck, just a little... *drop*... and that was enough to leave me shocked that I have reached this point in my pregnancy. I two-stepped it to the potty and all was right with the world.
What's next?

Ever-Expanding Vocabulary

There are some words you know before having a baby:
• Uterus
• Cervix
• Lactation
• First, Second and Third Trimesters

Then there are some words you THOUGHT you knew what they meant (turns out, your understanding is limited at best):
• fully Dialated
• Mucus Plug
• Breech (there's 5 kinds of breech. And this isn't even including the many forms of Presentation)
• Presentation
• Full Panel verses Roll Panel... and Low Rise verses Real Waist maternity pants
• Placenta (this mo-fo weighs 1.5lbs and gets huge! Its not pretty either)
• Fetus (did you know its not a fetus till you are 8 weeks pregnant? Before that, its an embryo)

Then there are the words that make no sense unless you are a pregnant (or, formerly pregnant) woman:
• Fundal height
• fully Effaced
• a "bloody show"
• Collastrum
• Placenta Previa

31 weeks (give or take)

Went to the doctor this AM and I am just shy of 31 weeks (I think I officially hit it tomorrow. So I'm what, 30 weeks +6 days? Whatever). I actually am still measuring larger - at 33 weeks. The doc thinks it will "plateau" and that I'm just going through a growth spurt (well, baby is, actually) but I'm beginning to worry that I will be having a 10lb baby. Upon saying this to the doctor, he added, "I believe in letting your body take control. I don't like to induce unless we really have to, in the case of a rising blood pressure."
Um, oh great! So, baby is still in breech position and possibly huge. You mean to tell me... I could have a C-Section? Agh!?
Now, all women face the possibility of a C-Section... anything can go wrong at any moment. You are told to keep an open mind from the very beginning.
I'm not open-minded on this. I really don't want one. Many woman do (afterall, who wants to pee everytime they cough for the rest of their lives?) love 'em. I, for one, have watched too many maternity shows where they show the woman strapped to a table... shivering (the drugs make you cold)... being shaken all around as they pull the baby out. Feel nothing my ass! I've felt every cavity being filled and I can just imagine what having THAT done feels like. And to top it all off, you can't even hold the baby afterward, so sad!
*sigh*
But enough of my theorizing. I'll just go home tonight and lay on an ironing board while eating fat-free rice cakes.
Oh, and I currently weigh 25lbs more than I did before I took the pregnancy test oh so many months ago. Wow. I've gained 25lbs - phew! And I have 9 weeks (well, 9 weeks +1 day) to go still!). At my average of 1.25lbs a day... I'll be 36.25lbs when all's said and done! That is, if I keep this pace up. Of course, does that factor in the 10lb baby?!.
;-)

Gift I Hafta Have... someday...

I saw this on Mighty Girls' Blog. I must remember this 6, 7 or 8 years from now:
artwork pin

Hot.

I've been wearing tank tops, skirts and sandals to work this week. I figured I'd wear this stuff now before the air conditioning really kicks in at work and I'm freezing. Then, I'll bust out the short-sleeved tops and pants again. Turns out... the air IS on full blast. People have been coming to my cube in sweaters, pants and, yes, even jackets claiming it's, "freezing in here!"
What the hell am I going to do now? This is insane.
I spent the past weekend killing myself. As you can see, I didn't quite complete that task either.
Saturday I went to the Three Acres School yard sale (happens twice a year). Some bargains and 2.5 hours later, L and I relaxed and caught up on family news. We then decided to take the conversation to a place that served food while we talked. Dots Back Inn. Home by 2:30PM and ready for a nap. But, oh no! I can't take a nap! So, I put on my shorts and raked the yard... why not? I'm only a lollipop that's supposed to be taking it easy. So I later did, I sat on my ass... in the car. I went to D&C's to borrow some tools, Sears for a lawn mower (ours died) and Ukrop's for dinner items.
Sunday was worse. Well, successful (we accomplished lots!) but not at all "relaxing" like a Sunday should be. We woke up and walked K&E's dog, went to Lowe's for more supplies (Rob's working on the brick patio! Yippee!), I potted purple flowers in my new pots, and I later scrubbed the entire back porch with a sponge and a bucket of Murphey's soapy water (Why the hell not? Mold & dirt came back after 3 years of neglect and I'm PREGNANT so why not get on a ladder and hand scrub the entire interior wood trim work? I'm an absolute idiot. And now, an idiot with a back ache from hell.)
I think I'm reaching the point of realizing my days are numbered. More importantly, the weekends are numbered. If I rattle off the various activities that await me these last few months, from baby showers to a bridal shower to visiting my folks one last time in Greensboro, the already numbered weekends get even fewer. *Gulp*. And maybe I'm still not quite yet realizing the time crunch.Maybe, instead, I'm trying to still plan ahead for when it does hit me. The inevitable, "Oh my God! We're having a baby in month!" Cause, the reality is, I'm NOT going to want to be physical, in any way shape or form, that last month. I'm not going to want to be moving book shelves, rearranging furniture, setting up a crib and hand mopping the nursery floor... so I gotta start doing that now. And hell, I don't want to do any of that now so I better avoid it by going out on the back porch and scrubbing mold cause that's way more important on my shit-list of things to have done before baby.
Its a rat race in my head these days.
I've noticed that in my pregnancy books it recommends not crossing your legs to keep your feet from swelling. But what the hell do you do when you are wearing a skirt or dress? Show the world this is how I got into the mess to bgein with? By not sitting ladylike? In any case, I'm noticing more and more how difficult it is to even try and cross my legs when sitting. It's like cinching up a bag of water... the cinch just wants to untwist and let it all hang out. My belly and baby hate being tightened up a bit more. I'm looking less and less sophisticated these days.
I've also been watching Evie move. I can sit here and watch my stomach blurb outward to the side as she flops over to get into a more comfortable spot. Its wierd. At first I thought it was wild and cool. Now it kinda creeps me out. There's a freaking human in there!!! Oh my God people, what they hell was I thinking getting pregnant? This fun little biology experiment is REAL. There really is a human... a person... in...my...body. JC, this is blowing my mind. Its kind of scaring me a bit, too. Its only getting bigger and there's only one exit.
I walk into things with my belly now, too. I bump counters, sinktops and doors. Everytime I leave the company restroom, there's a big water spot on my shirt where my belly flopped onto the sink counter. Its fantastic. I can see where I'm quickly exiting the "Oh-you're-so-cute-with-your-belly" stage and entering that not-at-all glorious "Holy Shit You're Pregnant! Get out of the WAY!" pregnancy stage. *Sigh* Next stop, ...cankles and hemmeroids. Great.

Creepy

Oh, the magical world of Flash and finding freebie Flash programming online.
See the new "Countdown to baby" animation on the right?
What will happen to me once all my freetime is gone after baby is here? Oh what will I do with myself?

28 weeks & on a sugar high

I'll post an overall shot of me later tonight***... I didn't have Rob take one this morning cause I forgot and because I forget EVERYTHING these days.
Today was the glucose test at the doctors. Suck down on orange drink and feel that baby SQUIRM! That drink tasted like an 8-year-old made a batch of kool-aid with 4 Cups of sugar instead of the suggested 2 Cups. Who-wee! And it still wasn't enough to make me peppy after a long night of insomnia last night. I hope it was due to the crazy wind & weather outside and not just another fun sign of pregnancy!
Speaking of fun signs of pregnancy, this weekly read can just go to hell. Who thought they were so damned cutsey as to write this?: Welcome to the third trimester ~ the period of leg cramps, hemorrhoids, varicose veins, itchy skin, aches and pains, swelling, heartburn, indigestion and . . . your baby's arrival!
It might be true but you don't have to tell me all this while grinning (can't you read her grin underlaying all of this?).
BTW - my fundal height is 30 (what the heck does this mean? I have no idea... its a belly measurement but I dunno if this means baby is big or small). And my weight gain *gulp* is 21lbs so far! Agh! I put on 5.5lbs in just over 4 weeks. OK, so maybe this is a normal steady pace but c'mon people! Its still alot on the human body! I know I'm pregnant but seeing the numbers climb like this still makes my head spin... its unreal. At this rate, with gaining an average of 1lb a week, I should be about 33-36lbs when baby gets here. That's in the completely normal range. Which, is very good. Its still just crazy to think there's a BABY IN HERE!
***I'm adding a photo. I was reluctant to post this one showing my face cause I look like a forced happy. I used to be so good at photos, now they are all so bad, ugh. I was legitimately smiling... or so I thought. I am happy, I swear!

Another prego lost to motherhood

T had her baby yesterday. A bouncing baby boy just over 8lbs. And man, is he ever cute to stare at and hold! I can see now how parents forget to eat, shower and communicate with the outside world. I just wanted to stare at him like a hummingbird with a mirrored gazing ball. If he's sleeping, you stare at his soft neck going up and down with his whistling breathes. If he jolts, you want to wrap him up tight and pat him. If he yawns, you yawn back while whispering goofy things like, "awww!"
Damned, I want one... and at the same time... I am NOT AT ALL READY!
What the heck was I thinking?!.
I loved holding him. It was so magical and awe-inspiring. Its like going for a ride in your friend's new expensive car and you think, "What a f%*king amazing ride this is. And that new car smell - I love it! I would love to have this. But man, they are screwed with making payments now. Dumb-asses! Let them have their fancy car, we'll just make them drive all the time so we can enjoy it without the payments & stress of getting a ding. Suckers!"
I'm..... a baby sucker! I feel for it! Ack! Once you roll that baby out of the hospital, you lose a couple thousand dollars and commited yourself to months & months of payments! *gulp*
Its not even the money part that bothers me... its the work! Phew! I don't know the first thing about a newborn. I know they eat all the time and sleep all the time and yet somehow YOU never sleep or eat during any of that time.
I'm going to drop ours. Or forget to feed it. Or cry along with it. Or forget to change it and it will get some horribly painful diaper rash. Or I'll leave it somewhere... like in the grocery cart while I'm down 4 aisles picking out something. Or I'll put it to sleep all wrong. Oh my Gawd! We are HAVING A HUMAN! How the hell can this type of behavior (creating human life) NOT be monitored by someone? How can just anyone do such a hugely responsible task as making and raising a baby?!.

Week 27 - Third Trimester

Well, its official... I'm in my third trimester.
What does this mean? Well, baby now weighs about 2 lbs (what mom now weighs is a whole other story). She will also now be measured in full length (not just crown to rump), so she's around 14.4" inches long. She can now open her eyes (yes, underwater!) and does everything most babies do - suck their thumb, swallow, sleep, play and yes, even cry.
Its crazy. She's just about "done" aside from putting on weight (yikes!).
Now is when both her and I, begin to truly pack on the pounds. I should start putting on, roughly, 1 pound a week. Yikes! All my women co-workers are in Weight Watchers and they are all averaging 1 pound a week, too... its sounds like an agressive amount either direction you go on the scale.
In other news, T is due this Friday and I'm anxious as hell. Waiting for her date has been... long - I can only imagine how she feels. :)

Belly Claustrophobia

I'll be 27 weeks this Tuesday - that's the beginning of the third trimester. That's 6 months prego to those of you who need this translated further into Laymen's Terms.
"As you continue your pregnancy week by week from about 26 weeks pregnant on you might start to become less comfortable."
I'm beginning to feel claustrophobic in my own skin.
I'm feeling large (bending and reaching are becoming more limited in range)... and I know its only going to get far more restrictive.
This, terrifies me.
I tried to explain this to Rob as best I could. Its like being in an already too small room and the walls are slowing closing in on you. You know that you won't get crushed, just very tight with limited space. You also know if you are uncomfortable now... its going to get a lot worse so relax and ride the ride the best you can. Does this make any sense?
I guess what's really got me scared is that I can't do a damned thing about it. Typically, if you are in an uncomfortable position, you can move or make changes to get out of it. In this case, I'm stuck just getting more large and limited in the things I can do comfortably. I get a little anxious at the thought of how much "worse" things are going to get. I feel like my time to do things (to still have a wide range of motion) is limited. I get scared just thinking about how much MORE scary its going to get. What if I wake up one day, a month from now, and just cry over the fact that I can't breathe? It makes me hyperventilate a little at the thought. Which, means I'm probably raising my blood pressure just over all this anxiety, which, is not at all good.
I need to relax, but how?

Wise cracks and hormone buzzes

Walking to the car after work yesterday, I discussed the ins and outs of pregnancy with a male coworker/friend. His wife is about almost exactly one trimester behind me. Its nice to know that I'm not the last one to deliver (unlike my yoga group which will all be gone & done with their pregnancies in June. It sucks being last).
We started joking about getting fat, cankles, and acne. Of course, I started bopping and scatting (as Rob refers to it) and felt like I was on stage with a microphone. I began to take the conversation to levels of the extreme - What will he do if my water breaks at work? What if I look like I sucked on an air-hose in the end? Will I be fat and sweaty.
Two more coworkers came out to join us - another male (with 2 kids under the age of 4) and one female (with a kid who will be 2 this summer). I went on...
Me, "What if my water breaks at work? Do I run [I begin running with my legs open wide] to the bathroom leaving a trail behind me?"
Female co-worker, "No! It happens slow, so sit still."
"So, you're going to wheel me to the elevator and press '1'... just send me down for someone else to deal with? Or will you have the decency to call me an abulance?"
Male co-worker, "We'll hand you the elevator phone - you can call them."
Me, "Oh, I can just see the looks on people's faces on the floors below when the doors open. 'Uh, I'll get the next one...'"
Me, "I hope those chairs are super absorbant. Who cleans these things up? Is there a janitor crew that throws down sawdust or what?"
Male co-worker [immitating the late night clean-up crew throwing down sawdust and sweeping], "That's the 3rd one this week!"
I thought I would pee my pants. The humor in all this is abundant these days. I kind of like the fact that I'm taking so much of this in stride... this great big human experiment I am currently involved in. Its all so out-of-control and you're at the mercy of nature doing whatever it wants. You have to laugh, you have to be open to all kinds of thoughts & comments. I feel almost like a little kid when I think about what is going on inside - I'm fascinated, curious and come up with the most absurd thoughts. I do not think this is unique to just me, especially given the fact that T is looking into getting an incontinence pad for her bed just in case her water breaks in the middle of the night. You don't want to ruin the mattress! We giggled at the thought of this. I then told her I was not interested in borrowing that hand-me-down. More giggles followed.
I'm rather enjoying this pregnancy induced "beer buzz." The intoxication of prego hormones is a pretty nice energy high that I've enjoyed these last 6 months. I always thought women got emotional (crying), exhausted (depressed), grumpy, bull-headed and overall difficult to live with. However, for me (forever the opposite of mainstream society when it comes to my emotional state), this has all been... blissful.
I'm actually sad at the thought of returning to the way I used to be.

You know you are pregnant when....

... you feverishly open a Tootsie Roll, anxious for the fake chocolate rush, only to have it plop onto your dirty office floor and roll a few times. You know they never vacuum and that you've spent the last week with your bare feet on the floor. You hesitate only for a second (not because you second guess what you are about to do but rather checking to see if anyone will see you) as you grunt to bend over and reach the deliciousness that awaits you. Emphasis on *grunt* because bending is becoming a luxury and less of an easily achieved range of mobility.
*sigh*
It was tasty.

Hands Free

Rob and I met at Chipotle for lunch today. I decided to go ahead and order while I wait for him to arrive. I got in line. The line was long and a ltitle slow so there was ample time to shuffle and look around. I crossed my arms. I then realized, the days of crossing my arms spacing out... are numbered. I started thinking about how my mom used to carry all my stuff... and then my pockets did... and then I got a purse (or a backpack)... and now I have a messenger bag + purse + lunch sack. Soon, I'll have a baby in a car seat + diaper bag + purse + whatever else I might need. I better live it up and enjoy my shoulder nakedness while it lasts.