4 Months Old Today

Another month conquered. Some days are fast, some are slow. When I reflect on the past month in these blog posts,... I truly see how FAST you are growing up.
Major events this past month?
You are more VOCAL! And, I don't just mean that you talk more. You are developing a wider range of sounds each day. Grunts are rarely heard anymore. You never make the "gggrrsch, ggcrsh" sound when you wake up anymore. No, instead its all loud sing-song sounds. And, I do mean loud. Dad says that one day you YELLED and scared both yourself and him. Yes, you have found your voice and you love to explore it. You make "Ooo's" and gurgly laughs and "Ahh's!" You repeat sounds again and again (and, again) until you either wear yourself out, are distracted by something in the room or you break into a wide open-mouth grin for those forced to listen. We, in turn, love it and laugh when you "talk" to us.
You laughed out loud this past month. This happened about 3 weeks ago. I was so excited to hear it and I have done everything in my power to recreate it. You do laugh outloud more lately. I'm not sure WHAT makes you laugh, though. You certainly laugh when I take off all your clothes at night (to either get in PJs or a bath) and sometimes when I kiss your neck under your ears. Sometimes, you laugh at the wall. You've loved the wall since 1 wk old and you'd blank stare at it for long periods of time. I like to think that the two of you are now exchanging silent jokes. Maybe I'm just in denial that you are borderline crazy... it is a wall afterall.
Bathtime has become more fun. You were getting better at it at the end of 3 months but now you don't cry ever (well, you haven't for the last 2-3 weeks at least). I recently figured out that I should loose the newborn hammock from your plastic tub since you are more than large enough to sit up or lean in the tub. This has certainly helped. It hasn't hurt that you now figured out how to KICK and SPLASH me. Lovely.

You observe things in an active way. Meaning, you seem to be actually watching things and learning from them. You will sit in a boppy or chair (propped up, of course) and take things in. You are fantastic in restaurants, you'll sit on our laps while we eat. You just watch the people around us while munching on your fists. We went to lunch today, in fact, and I soaked up all the approving/warm faces of adults all around us. I was so proud and kept spinning you around so people could get a full look at your face. You are so damned cute... dad and I still talk about how cute you are. We sometimes hurry up and eat so we can take a turn holding you - this is how cute you are. This is saying alot, Evie. Cause you also weigh alot and do sometimes suddenly bop your head forward or backward. You're nice to hold but it is still a fulltime (arm aching) job. ;-)
You are beginning to "enjoy" our kisses. Dad and I must plant one on you every 10-15 minutes (or an equivalent there of). It took you awhile to stop turning your head trying to catch our kiss in your open mouth. Now, you blink your eyes and smile. You are beginning to know what kisses are and what purpose they serve.
You are nearly predictable now. We know when you'll wake up in the morning (between 6:30-7AM) and we know when you'll crash at night (bedtime 7-7:30PM). You always have a BURST of energy 20 minutes before and then rub your eyes when ready for a nap. You still only have 1 midnight feeding (dad and I switch off every other night) and only take about 5ozs at that feeding. You wake up silently after your naps and in the morning. You can easily be forgotten if we don't check the clock and then check on you. You will lie awake (covers kicked off) quietly watching your mobile. When you see us looking in your room, you smile real big and are eager for us to pick you up. Its a pretty "Hallmark Moment" to tell you the truth.

You have had some lows. You experienced your first constipation this past month. I don't know who it hurt more - you or dad. After an hour of crying and struggling, it all eventually worked out. Dad has now begun giving you 2 ozs of water per 1 teaspoon of Karo syrup. Its been helping and I think you like the sweet taste.
Speaking of taste, the pediatrician said you could start rice cereal this month. I think we are going to hold off on this a wee bit longer. No particular reason except you seem too little to me. Yes, yes, my mother fed me SQUASH from the backyard by 1 month old... but still. You're my little baby! I'm not ready for food yet...
You suffered a bruise when I accidentally clipped the tip of your finger instead of your nail. Oh my.. tears welled up in your eyes and you wailed. I felt... so... terrible. How the hell could I do this? Would you hate me forever? How badly does it hurt? Will you be traumatized by clippers forever now? I put a cold teething ring on it temporarily and rock, rock, rocked you. You, of course, got over it. I'm now more cautious then ever when trimming your nails. I still haven't ever cut your toenails. Why do toenails grow slower? Mine do, too.
Its getting colder outside so we started pulling out the sweaters and cool cord/valour pants you own. I now get why parents go gaa-gaa for kids clothes. Its so funny to see a little person wearing adult clothing shrunk to fit a little human. I put a sweater twin-set on you and about died at the thought that you will outgrow this. Its way too cute to only be worn for such a short period of time. In fact, while packing away your 0-3 month gear this past month, it was strange knowing that you will NEVER WEAR THIS STUFF AGAIN. I pack my seasonal clothes year after year and wear my summer things the following summer.... this thought didn't sadden me as much as it made me realize I would again be wearing the same sweaters I bought 8 years ago (BEFORE I met your father). Dad and I now plan to go shopping before we look like parents who have let themselves go once the kid arrived. Don't worry Evie, you won't suffer the same humiliation of nerd parents like we did as kids.
You like pulling things into your mouth. If you can grab our fingers, you'll pull both our fingers and your hands into your mouth. Its funny and odd. You aren't chewing on them (I know you aren't teething yet) and you don't necessarily do it for taste (cause you don't really suck on them either). You just enjoy getting things to your mouth where you can coat liberally with drool and then fling away from your body. Its really great when slimy hands run down our faces or drool strings gently "plop, plop, plop" drops onto our hands/laps when holding you. *sigh*
You have successfully overcome acid reflux (I say this after you threw up on dad in the middle of the night last night). Honestly, you rarely toss up anything anymore, so I am happy to report that we no longer give you Axid twice a day. Yeah!
Other highlights this past month: you were babysat by A & J in DC while we attended a hockey game. You attended a huge outdoor festival with mom. And you experienced your first Halloween.
Looking back on the past month, you really have come a long way. You are shaping up to be more of a person (and less a baby blob) with each passing day. Your personality really shines more and more... and we love what your personality is turning out to be. You are very sweet, not at all demanding and pretty easy-going. You do get overwhelmed in loud, busy places (especially events mom drags you you to. Dad seems to be more sensitive to your gentle nature than what mom is) and you are beginning to cry when strangers hold you (I didn't expect this until you were at least 7-8 months old). You like what you like and, fortunately, what you like isn't all that crazy a compromise on our part. You take bottles easily and rarely scream to be fed (only if you get ignored repeatedly when wah-wah'ing before a feeding time). You smile, you laugh, you WIGGLE and you bounce. You nuzzle when teased and you fall asleep in our arms. This really is a great time to be with you, little Eve.
I'm looking forward to month 5.
Love,
mom

Hallowe'en Party (another great holiday for baby exploitation)

My name is Chilly-Willy, I'm frozen through and through! My nose is red and my tail is cold. Ah, hee, achoo!

Before and afterStrangely enough, time elapse between these photos is 20 minutes. Our entire party experience last 45 minutes before we headed home for the night. Better luck next year, *wink!*

Nightime Routine

I love your vast selection of footie pajamas

4 month check-up

Dad and you send me an email pic before picking me up
Dad & you drove out to my office to pick me up for lunch before seeing the doctor today. I cannot believe its already your 4 month check-up. Time is flying.
Today is a crappie rainy day (that we so desperately need) so we ran in and out of doors trying to keep dry & warm.
We had Salsarita's Mexican for lunch - tacos for mom and a burrito (of course) for dad. You sat on my lap throughout most of my meal and quietly gazed across the table, the room & out the window. Your head swivels at a pace much like an attendee at a tennis match. I sometimes can't tell if you are overwhelmed or if this is just how you process things. Sometimes, I can catch your darting gaze and get you to lock eyes for a second... then you smile broad and shove a fist in your mouth. It makes me melt. Its all pretty damned fantastic these days.
We throw you back in the car to get to the doctor's office (not only on time but very early!). Dad and I both kept you far, far away from some sick boy who insisted on covering every square inch of the waiting room with his open-mouth coughs. *sigh*, if we could only wrap you in Saran wrap.
You started to get fussy by the time your room was up (it is naptime, afterall). The fussiness was squelched with the taking off your cothing. Just telling you that you were going to get naked made you light up. I sing the "Takin' off your pants! Takin' off your pants! Doin' the takin' of my pants dance!" song I created a few weeks ago and you just grin wildly. Dad hopes your enthusiam for nudity subsides by the time you are 2.
Some stats are recorded:
15 lbs.
24 3/4" long.
Holy crap - you're huge!
You are now in the 75% percentile (and you've been 50% all along up until today. You seemed to have tripled in size around 3 months... today confirmed it!) *wink*
All was fun and games (you peed on the scale and I had to carry your wet,bare butt back to the room) until the needles were finally brought in. I hated watching you wriggle and talk in the moments leading up to the first jab. Holding your arms back makes me feel like some sick form of betrayal.... like I held your hand while I led you into the firing squad. I know, I know - it all sounds so dramatic but watching your face squinch up, turn red, tongue curled and crying.... just makes me feel like all your trust in me is broken. It doesn't help that you didn't even fight. Somehow I wanted you to resist but you just laid there in futile pain... like you gave up and gave up on me.
Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, you did fantastic. You calmed down pretty quickly afterward (4 shots in all) and you didn't seem to actually hate me. Dad did whisk you off for a bottle to help soothe you while I grabbed our gear. You later crashed out the moment you got in the car to head home. I decided to leave you alone and chose not to say "good-bye" when I was dropped off at work both in fear of waking you and possibly getting rejected.
After work was non-stop fussing. You whimpered and wah-wah'd. Understandable, yes. A result of today's tribulations, yes. Do I feel like a wad of gum on the street, yes.
I hope tomorrow is fun again like it was before the doctor. At least we have 2 more months to build back the trust levels again before your 6 month appointment.

new mom ins and outs

So, I woke up this morning to no covers thanks to the husband and the dog, *sigh*. Between this, the cold meals, the being spit-up on, the having to carry everything like I'm preparing for an overnight trip even if it is just out to the grocery store... its official. I'm a mom.
I've been having to stay late at work this week. We are in "peak" holiday season at work and I am one of 5 designers responsible for creating that big, colorful ad you will all see in your newspaper for the day after Thanksgiving sale. Yes, that's right, I am helping create the infamous "Black Friday" sales ad.
And lemme tell you, its all work-work-work with little-to-no glory!
Last night I stayed on until 7:45PM just to get the lay-out on my page done (this ad ships very soon so this its important that I get things done & done correctly now.... not to mention that this is a very critical ad that keeps changing up until the very final moment of shipping). If you don't fully understand the pressures associated with Black Friday advertising, read this.
And, no, you couldn't pay to get information out of me so don't try. (Hmmm,... How much are you offering again?)
*wink*
So, staying late last night wasn't THAT LATE but when you're kid goes to bed at 7:30PM.... it wrecks your whole night if you miss them. Your whole day. My whole week. Ruined. I feel like I completely missed out on a day in my kid's life. Now, granted, it won't be as "big a deal" when she is, say, 5 and she stays overnight somewhere. But, when she isn't quite 4 months old, a whole day gone is like a week. Hell, she started talk, talk, TALKING up a storm today and I almost missed out on that, too, with getting home at 6:30PM.
*sigh*
I never thought things like this would impact me this way. I never truly 'got it' when other people were so ga-ga over their kids. But, I tell you what, I get it now. My kid's the coolest thing since sliced bread and way more entertaining than the many things I enjoyed before having a baby around. I could watch her and be totally content with just watching her bounce, wiggle, laugh and coo endlessly. I find her so completely fascinating and, the best part is, she is ALL MINE!
Just another case-in-point in kid ownership, last weekend I got my haircut and brought Eve with me (poor dad, he needs a break on the weekends!). She was content when everyone was gawking at her but she started fussing the moment I got in the shampoo girl's chair. Many hair dressers ran to her aid but, by this point, she only wanted one thing. To be picked up... and to be held the right way. I had no idea how much we have impacted her preferences (or maybe we've just figured them out) but she CRIED when one girl held her like a baby (cradled) and got even fussier when another woman held her facing over her shoulder. Evie likes to face out and sit up. Period. The only solution? Evie sat on my lap wile I got a haircut. She had chunks of wet hair stuck to her hair and she had little bits stuck to her slobbering fingers. Oh, it was a trip. But the moemnt her ass hit my lap—the crying ceased. And, as ridiculously silly a scene as this was... I secretly (very deep down inside) loved it. Kids always reached out for the moms when I held them and I HATED it (made me feel incompetent). And, here was this kid... my kid... calmed only by me. How feaking cool a feeling is that?

LOL

Evie laughed out loud for the first time last weekend. Unfortunately, I couldn't blog about it when it happened because Rob was out-of-town and when you are playing single parent for the weekend... blogging doesn't make the top 20 list of things I'd like to do during baby's downtime.
I did try to capture it on video. But, alas, Evie got the dreaded digital camera stage-fright and resorted to her *grunt*, *grunt*, huh-huh-uh sounds when the camera was rolling. Don't get me wrong. The grunting "wiggle-wiggle-wiggle" sessions are also outstandingly entertaining (we grab her belly one-handed and exclaim "wiggle! wiggle! wiggle" which Evie grins over endlessly). I did manage to capture this on video during my feeble attempts to get her to squel and laugh like I now know she can do. but, here too is the rub, my camera won't download this video for some reason. *sigh*
There is PLENTY of laughter in the road ahead so I just need to sit back and relax. I'll hear it again.
Hearing baby laugh out loud for the first time is electrifying. The absolute delight that hits you both at that moment - is a feeling you do not expect. Sure, everyone knows it will be cool to see/hear/witness baby's firsts yada-yada... but when you've been changing diapers, feeding, burping and carrying around a baby for 3 months (basically, WORKING) and you are suddenly rewarded with a sound that you've never heard before and that baby has never heard herself make before.... WOW. Evie and I both stopped what we were doing (I was changing her and singing a made-up, goofy song while she wiggled) and the room fell silent. I think she scared herself and I was just dumb-struck. I returned the same high pitched sound so she knew it was an OK sound to make (and to, PLEASE, do it again!).... she returned back with an excitement at her new sound.
And, ... then that was it.
We've been close at hitting this squel again throughout this week but its more a high-pitched coo that sounds like "hi! hi! hello!" Which, is just as cool because this is one more sound that will lead to her saying "mama!" someday. And man, won't THAT be cool?

Grabbie

We are now becoming more proficient at grabbing things in our tight little fists.
We have recently switched Evie to the type of pacifiers more commonly used (the brightly colored plastic ones with a loop on the outside and a clear silicone nipple part. Evie loved her Soothies—the ones commonly referred to as "hospital issued"—but she wouldn't take the 3-6 month old size... so we had to switch things up a bit).
On Monday morning, Evie grabbed her pacifier by the ring, yanked it out of her mouth and began waving her arm frantically in the air thus taunting herself. Rob called my attention to this new skill telling me, "She's good at the catch, not so much on the release," as she just as suddenly flung the pacifier through the air when her hand decided to let go.
Its funny that her hands seem to have a brain of their own. She can put her hands together or bounce her arms when she is happy. But when it comes to the sudden grab reflex, its like she has no idea what her hand is doing. She'll grab a clump of my hair, my shirt collar or my necklace and look all around completely unaware of what her hand is doing.
Rob wants to capture this new-found skill and highlight it by dressing Eve as Senator Bob Dole for Halloween. Give her a pen for one hand and a bottle of Viagra for the other... perfect!
God we're sick people.

National Folk Fest

This year was the third and final NFF held here in Richmond. We do plan to continue the Folk Fest event here next year (the point of NFF is to build awareness & to train cities on how to hold their own celebration in the years that follow)... but I fear that it will fizzle out like many things seem to do in this city. I don't mean to be a nay-sayer... I just enjoy this event so much, I fear it will end or will not be as big & as successful as this year's. (We DID break the attendence record with over 175,000 attendees thus taking over the title from Bangor, ME... this is fantastic news so hopefully I am just being a pessimistic worry-wort).
I volunteered in 2005 (I helped assist vans driving through people traffic). After the one day of fun and two days of attendence that year, I went on to volunteer for two days in 2006 (I served beer at night and sold CDs the following day). This year, I couldn't volunteer since I had Evie to watch over, but we had a great time without being involved.

The event is huge filling both Brown's Isle and part of the "mainland". Six stages with hourly revolving acts keep people constantly migrating from one show to the next while buying food, hand-crafts and CDs. And when you find a place to rest, we just sit and listen (or dance). The weather was great, the people are all friendly (the audience is a wide range of cultures and ages) and the music is inspirational. Best of all? Its all FREE.

Honestly, I love this event and I am sad to see that it is already over.
Evie hung in like a baby trooper. We went on Saturday with Eric, Kelly and Lisa for roughly 3 hours. Yes, she fussed and I had to hold her most of the time (trying to get her to nap and then take a bottle) but hell, she is only 3 months old. I was still delighted with how well she did (even if it meant I couldn't fully enjoy the shows like last year).

We went back for more on Sunday after Rob returned from a comic convention. Sunday was a bit rougher since we were all tired from the weekend's events but at least we tried. We stayed for about 1 1/2 hours with the second half of that time being mostly tears (Evie's, not Rob's).
I think its really important to keep Evie out-and-about attending things of this nature. Rob... hates things like this (crowds and the slow moving pace from stage to stage). But, he was also never taken to things like this as a kid. I was dragged to everything. That's the difference between being an only child and 1 of 3, I suppose.
Then again, I also traveled to see the Grateful Dead and Phish concerts so this migratory/band following lifestyle is one I have come to enjoy. Rob is more a quiet jam-at-home type.

Curious? Here's a sampling of NFF. This is Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver (I recorded Doyle's turkey call, too. Yes, he performed turkey calling, but I thought you'd prefer to hear the music. I could be wrong. The call was also very entertaining...)

C-Section

I was reading a friend's post recently. She was commenting on an article regarding how some women today see value in getting a make-over to "fix" the after effects of having a baby. J, you know who you are, *wink*.
I am not in the least bit surprised that people would be participating in "mommy make-overs" (yes, the cutsey name is ridiculous. Its surgery, people. Not a Mary Kay make-up party).
I was actually more shocked when I heard about how some women GET c-sections when the baby is full-term (about 36 weeks) to avoid adding on additional & unneccessary weight gain. These women did not want stretch marks. They didn't want the cankles or the additional 5+lbs you pack on your final month. They wanted it all neat and simple and tied with a bow ....cut out the unnessary details, please.
I think putting your baby in harm's way just to spare a few stretch marks is absurd. Selfish. And its a horrible statement on our society as a whole.
I had a c-section. I didn't want one (I didn't want a natural childbirth for that matter either. I, personally, believe epidurals are a godsend, so send it my way. Evolution has helped some smart people in the medical community to invent these drugs so why not? Many of my gal-pals feel otherwise and went all natural... but I digress). I had a c-section because Evie was breech. Medical advancement has allowed such things to happen for both a healthy mother and baby.
Now, I also find this chick's post interesting: Parent Dish
Maybe I wouldn't have died. Maybe, in reality, I WOULD HAVE WANTED TO DIE passing a human butt-first... but that's enough for me.
Do I feel less of a mother? No. Do I now regret having a C-section? Hell, no. Did I want to sob uncontrollably at the thought of having a C-Section cause I realy didn't want one when my doctor told me I was going to have one? Yes.
Would I ever touch-up my scars? Hell. No.
The scars... the tears.... the stretch marks... the way your hips never quite look the same again... the less-perky-boobs from breast-feeding... are all signs that I rose to an amazing challenge and the outcome was Evie. Maybe it helps that my husband thinks I'm still the sexiest thing on the planet. Maybe its just my outlook. But we are all here to live life and to use our bodies to their fullest potential. So far, ...I have. Why would I ever want to tweak, nip or tuck that?

New things to see and do everyday...

Big week for you.
You have begun using your hands more - you aren't quite intentionally grabbing things but you do grab my finger more actively, grab my hair or necklace, and wave your arms out away from your body before bringing your hands to center again. You are developing more controlled movements.
You also have discovered your toes and actually grabbed my thigh again & again with your long monkey toes while we were laying on the bed. You then tap, tap, tap your toes and commence toe-grabbing again. Its all really funny and this is clearly intentional... which is exciting.
You focused all your energy & might on kicking the hanging rattle/block that hangs from your bouncy seat. Dad and I both marvelled at how you are concentrating to make things happen when, before, it was all uncoordinated flailing and wild, jerky movements. Seeing your brain work is pretty fascinating. Its nice to see the human being in you emerge.
Your facial expressions are changing, too. The range is growing. You have started to wave your eyebrows (clearly, a trait inherited from your mother). You furrow your brow when I put you in the bathtub (What-the-hell-is-this? expression), you also furrow your brow when I make a confusing/silly face (What-are-you-doing? expression), and then your eyebrows fly up your forehead when you are thrilled (yippee! expression). You are concentrating, thinking and processing... all of which is finally being reflected in your face.
Its so nice to begin to see more of what makes Evie, Evie. Who is she and how does she think? What does she like and how does she respond to the things she doesn't like. What does she want and how will she take it.
The more and more you do the more I am amazed at human biology. Just 1 year ago you were a zygote and look at you now.

This past weekend Natalie was in town from Chicago. She finally had the chance to meet you face-to-face. It scares me to think that you are closer to the age when Natalie and I met.... than I am! We met in the 3rd grade and that's not too far in your distant future. Yikes! This thought makes me feel old. Old because my mother was old when I was in the 3rd grade. I still feel so immature my ownself. I keep waiting to wake up and have that feeling of confidence, "I know what I am doing today and how to take care of things." And yet everyday is still the clueless adventure it was the day before...
I hope I stay "cool" and in-tune with your needs when you are a kid. I hope I always "understand" and "get" you.
I hope you make cool lifelong friends when you go to school.

3 Months Old (13wks + 1 day)

Wow, Evie.
Its so exciting how much you have developed and learned since just last month.
And, its so sad how quickly time truly does fly. (Its even sadder that this still astounds me).
During this past month, you and I said good-bye as I headed back to the office. I have been back for 4 weeks now. And, although it has gotten easier to leave you in the morning, it still makes me sad when I come home and you appear to have grown in just my 8hrs absence. Coming home now has all-new meaning as I hope to catch you in your final awake hour before crashing out at a 7PM bedtime. Once, I left work late and you were in bed before I got home. I felt really, really lost without our new routine (bathtime every other night and storytime every night). I like our routine and hope that you have associated my coming home with these special bonding-time events. I like to think its "our thing" after you and dad spent all day playing together.
You learned how to sit up for the first time. Aided, of course. You sat up in your Baby seat designed to hold up 3-12 month olds (and you did so at only 2 1/2 months). You slumped the first time and looked a little confused. But the next time was all joyous smiles and giggles. You like to face things head on. You like to be held looking out with your arms and legs unrestrained. You like your bouncey seat so you can fling your legs out & can kick endlessly. Sitting in a chair was the most freedom you've had so far and you seemed to really enjoy it. You are not one who likes to lay down looking up at a gym or on your belly trying to grasp things.
Never one to grasp our fingers (ever!) or to curl up on our chests and snuggle, you do love having us around. And being simply "around", is not enough. You like us to talk to you, to sing, to pull on your legs & arms to rythmn of a made-up song... you do not enjoy self-entertainment at this point. Sometimes, if we leave you in a bouncey seat, you'll allow us enough time to get a cup of coffee... but it better be quick or you fuss. So far, we still fall for all of your fussings. Many times we know they are fake and you can handle it... so we run to your aid but mock your musings while you settle back down again. We think its all so cute.

That being said, when you get upset... it breaks our hearts. Only a few times (your 2nd day of life in the hospital, your 2-month-old shots and after friends yelled loudly during a football game) have you become so upset that you became almost inconsolable. When this happens, I feel terrible like I have done you wrong as a mom. My only job is to keep you safe, healthy and happy. To fail on keeping you happy, just tears me up. I am now on the look-out for situations that won't work for you. I'm getting better at seeing things before they happen to avoid a potentially unhappy baby. Of course, I did almost let you get a sunburnt head this past weekend 'cause I didn't think to put a hat on your bald forehead. I did say I was "getting better"...I am still learning...
You have mastered the smile and have occasionally a raspy giggle similar to that of Selma on The Simpsons (we might need to work on this).
You took your first overnight trip to Washington DC and stayed in your playpen for the first time (well, you did so until 5AM when we pulled you in to bed with us cause you weren't actually SLEEPING in your playpen *sigh*). You slept in between us with your arms up over your head. When we all woke up LATE (7:20AM!), you puffed up your pouty lips and stretched back & forth as far as you could reach.... *grunt!* *grunt!*. You pulled your legs up against your body in a tight indian-style and finally fell back... awake. Rob and I LAUGH at your personality. You really are a little person. Sometimes you act like an adult and not at all what we thought a baby would act like. This never ceases to crack us up. I worry that this little wake-up routine will end and you'll outgrow it..
I never want to forget the little things you do from the soft reply coos, the wet sneezes that make your eyes get red & puffy, the "bleuch" sounds you make when you grunt, the "wah's" you make when you get fussy... I keep worrying when these little trademark Evie things will end. This thought makes me sad. I need to remind myself that we aren't losing you as you get older... you just keep doing more and more funny/cute/endearing things.
I need to learn this lesson now or I'll be one hell of a mom when you go off to high school (waving good-bye, sobbing on the street corner). Dear God, I've become MY mother! Its not too late... I can turn that ship around...
You and I said good-bye to breast feeding this past month. this was one hard thing to start and one easy thing to end. I tore myself apart questioning why I would end such a good thing tht you & I worked so hard to master. I tormented myself questioning my commitments as a mother. I felt horribly selfish wanting to end the pumping as a convenience factor going back to work. I weened you during the hours I would be at work and didn't pump my first week back. Then I tried to recapture it all and brought the pump to work. Slowly, it all began to fade. I also found it to be too important to spend time with you after work instead of pumping while watching dad feed you. It all quickly became stupid. It was apparent that I needed to let it go. You never seemed bothered at my decision to switch you to formula so why beat myself up? We are both happy now and its great to watch you smile at me with the bottle in your mouth (even though it is 3AM and you really must finish up so I can get back to bed now....)
This past month you also had your first head cold. You weathered it very well. Your father, did not. One snotty nose (you breathed like a raging rhino) and slight fever for a few short days. I now understand what my mom meant when she would tell me, "I wish I could take the pain for you." I don't like seeing you not feeling well. This will be hard watching you get sick again and again over the years...
So, in closing ('cause this has got to end), I can't believe another month is behind us. They say you will begin to reach for things this month and that you'll be ready to stand up in a play gym. You might be ready for these things to happen. I'm not. I can't believe you far you have come in just the few short months you've been around. You learn and grow so much... its all so amazing.
I can see why people do this all over again. I'm exhausted, financially strapped and wondering when our lives will move like a well-oiled machine again. But its all worth it... to watch you learn and to look at the world with fresh eyes. You have no preconceived notions about... anything! You aren't jaded and spoiled like I have become as an adult. Its so refreshing to see things in such a simplified manner all over again. You've tapped into a part of me that I haven't seen for a very long time. You make me so happy. I'm excited for our future. Here's to 3 months. We're ready for month 4...

Saturday Night's Alright with Me...

So, I am JUST NOW getting around to posting about our anniversary dinner last Saturday night.
Yes, moms are busy people.
An old colleague of mine had offered to sit whenever we needed to get out. I think she was eager to hold the baby. We had met for lunch and Evie slept in her car seat the whole time. I decided to take her up on this offer. She could hold the baby all night if she wanted.
I made a reservation for Acacia - a super fabulous restaurant in Richmond. My grandma had given us $75 for Christmas last year and I still had not spent it. She passed away last January and this seemed the right thing to do with her gift. A nice, romantic dinner out for our anniversary.
I busted out, yes, are you ready for this?, a little black frilly dress I had bought for a wedding in October 2002. A five year old dress... that fit! Ta-dah! (Might have not been THAT in fashion but who the hell cares? I just had a baby!.... when does that statement expire? Back to the story...)
I made Rob wear a tie. Yes, a tie. "I have to wear a tie?" Yes, Rob, you do. Cause who knows WHEN a chance like this will ever happen again. Because, let's be honest here, the next time we go out it will involve a babysitter who charges over $6/hr. At that rate, our night out will be McDonald's. If you wear a tie there, people will ask you for extra ketchup packets.
So, L showed up 40 minutes before our reservation. I had everything prepared (the emergency phone numbers, the dogs were fed, baby was half-fed). I never did show her where the bathroom was, how to turn down the blasting TV (which, she tolerated the whole time we were gone!), where the baby monitor was (so she wouldn't have to visually check on her every 15 minutes). Oh well, I'm new at this.
All-in-all, she said it went well but she also seemed to run from our house when we got home at 10PM.
Our meal was FABULOUS. Rob and I got drinks at the bar (a whiskey sour and a glass of red wine - cheers! To 4 years!). We then dined al fresco (a little warm but otherwise, a very nice night to be outside). We skipped appetizers in order to save room for dessert. I had scallops in a butter cream sauce with gnocci & zuccini. I. Ate. All. Of. It. Rob had roasted chicken with an alfredo-based mac & cheese. He cleaned his plate, too. Another drink later, we had dessert—three different kinds of sorbet.
"Phew! *hic-cup* What TIME is it? It must be like, 9:30PM!"
Rob checks his cell phone. "Its 8:20."
Wow. This is pathetic.
Me, "We can't go home at 8:30. We just... CAN'T."
Rob and I walk down to the New York Deli (its actually a bar. Its owned by the same peeps who own Cafe Saint. Ex in DC). We belly-up to the bar for a beer and another glass of red wine.
This is really a lot of fun. We, sadly, NEVER DID this when we were baby-free. Everyone TELLS you to go out, date, enjoy it before baby. But, when you are baby-free... you really do NOT know what this sentiment means or how to truly appreciate moments like this. Its like when you were a kid and you really wanted to grow up. Parents would tell you, "Slow down! You'll be an adult before you know it - enjoy it!" And, you never got what the heck they were talking about until (fast-forward 20 years) you are married with a mortgage, a car payment, 2 dogs, a stack of bills and a baby!
So, we had our drinks and decided we could head home.
Home by 10PM. L, leaves and we are alone... tipsy... and the baby's asleep.
Fast-forward 20 minutes, *wink*, and we are out like a light.
A good night indeed!

Bye Bye!

I put on my B-cup bra yesterday.
Today, accompanied by the trumpet playing "Taps", we put away the wide array of C-Cups and D-Cups that I collected throughout my pregnancy.

I had been bringing the pump to work and trying to keep up with it before/after work. Little by little, it was all TOO much (this being a very busy time at work while we prepare for the Christmas season in retail)...
So, Evie and I are all formula now.
And you know what? She doesn't care and neither do I.
: )

Yes, JC Penney Portraits

Yes. Yes, we did go to JC Penneys today for baby's first official portrait.
Its for the grandparents, really.
OK, so I wanted 3 month shots. Its for me, too.
However, I feel rather redneck with getting "portraits at Penneys!" And, have we really become THOSE people?
Will we send out family Christmas card photos, too? Ok, maybe one day... but I swear it won't be cheesy and done at Penneys. Or Sears. Or Wal-Mart.
We'll get a really nice professional portrait done then.
With matching jeans and white T-shirts for the entire family.
And Rob will be barefoot with a baby on his knee while I look over my family fondly.

JC Penneys allows you the opportunity to share your pictures with friends and family (and they can order prints if they want to, too) for the low additional price of $5.
So, in 7-10 business days, I'll post a link to Evie's first glamour shots.
They really are rather cute and/or funny.
She did pretty well considering she is only 3 months old and having her portrait taken. At the mall. In Penneys. By some chick who had a very strong fondness for making kissy sounds and ringing a cow bell (is it any wondre Eve kept looking away at her and at the wall?).

In the meanwhile, here's a few hits from the other day:

Another mark in the "what the hell does this mean?" book...

Evie's taken a liking to her hand lately. We've noticed her drooling a bit over the course of the last week or two. But now, her hand is generally shoved in her mouth... and covered in spit. One tight little ball of a fist wriggling around in her mouth. No whimpering or crying. Sometimes a loud "shluk, shluk, shluk!" sound as she catches air in her sucks. She seems completely sontent when doing it, too. We don't know what this means.
Teething soon?
We thought this universal gesture (hand-in-mouth) meant she was hungry. But, she really is rather bliase about eating an evening bottle or the first bottle of the morning (two times I have noticed this behavior). So, who knows. I did look up my old baby book to see that my mother had written in "Sucking on your hands. Teething?" at almost the same age Evie is now. So, Evie's either normal or like her mother. My 2 bottom teeth came in around 6 months and I had all 4 front teeth by 8 months. They say teething patterns are hereditary...
Evie isn't sleeping well, either. Fits and spurts during the day. She sleeps like a champ at night. Yes, sometimes she has a rough midnight feeding or two but considering the general baby population - I think she is quite good. Last night, half a bottle at 6:30PM/ other half at 8PM. Bath, story-time and bedtime by 8:30PM. She then slept ALL NIGHT until 5 AM. Pretty damned spiffy. Now if she could just wake up at say, 7AM....
Evie is going through something these days. We don't know what, but something. Its funny how you can tell when babies are on the cusp of growing or learning something new or advancing somehow. They can be horribly irritable or inconsolible. Or, like Evie is lately, just plain out-of-sorts. She bops her face again and again with clenched fists and looks horribly tired (she appears frustrated and annoyed with her personal situation sometimes). She whimpers and moans in her sleep during naptime (dreaming?). She's slow to eat and sometimes won't at all. But when you look at her and smile, she's right there with you.
Hmmmm....

Picture Perfect Day

Today was the calm AFTER the storm.
Friday ended up TERRIBLE.
Apparently, Evie began the day with naps but then spent the better part of the day whimpering/fussing and refusing to sleep at all. And Rob, is HORRIBLY sick. Put these two things together - you get disaster. One irritable dad and a cranky kid.
At 4:30PM on Friday, I mistakingly called to see how homelife was after I found out I have MORE work than I thought I had. I had just exited a meeting and was looking at doing some OT to make a 2PM Monday deadline. I'm a little stressed-out, to say the VERY least. I'm rusty at work after having been gone so long coupled with extreme fatigued. All this, and I work for a national (well, technically international) retailer that is approaching the holiday season... its busy times to be had at work!
When I call, Rob is in no mood to deal with baby anymore. I find this all upsetting (I'm getting hit from all angles) and I hang up. And cry. I cry and stare at my cube wall trying not to cry. Which, makes me just want to cry all the harder to just get it all out. Get all the frustration out of my system so I can get over it, buck up and move on. Instead, I'm sitting there with kleenex in sweaty hand... with the trickle effect of silent tears. Dear God, let no one walk by right now.
I do buck up and get working. I held together pretty well and by 5:30PM... I say to hell with it and head home. I end up smiling on my way to my car after trying to make a co-worker laugh at my home-life. I tell him what a mess it is having a new baby at home. I thoroughly enjoy sharing my horror stories with people because, ultimately, it ends up making me act like a comedian with an audience. It cheers me up in the end. It didn't hurt that my co-worker then said I should write a book.
Maybe I should.
So, I get home baby is napping (finally). I take over. I command Rob to go to bed and I'll do everything. Rob is in bed at 8PM and asleep (with lights and TV on) shortly thereafter. I get bottles washed, coffee maker ready, dogs out one last time, house picked up. I eat cold chinese while feeding one last bottle... its 8:00PM. Evie is out by 8:30PM and I crawl into bed at 9:15PM.
Yes. 9:15PM. I haven't gone to bed this early since grade school. And then it wasn't by choice, it was under my mother's force.
Evie does not wake up... are you ready for this? Until 2:50AM. Do the math, people - I had 5.5 hrs of straight sleep.
Evie eagerly sucks down a 5oz bottle in record time. She falls asleep, also, in record time.
I am back in bed by 3:30AM.
Evie wakes up at 6:20AM. I'm not even sure she wanted to be up, either. I think she just wanted a bottle. But, I got her up just the same. I was energized from a whole nights sleep.
Rob slept in and Evie & I were up till 8AM or so.
Then she napped until 10AM. Who-hoo!
I vacuumed the entire house (ok, not our bedroom), washed baby clothes, washed all dog towels/floor rugs, washed bottles... all while she napped & then Rob started to give her a bottle. I showered and went out to get a haircut. I hit a paper store for gift supplies and Target for the baby's prescription.
Its now only 2PM.
Evie had napped again from 11:30AM-2PM and was waking right as I came home. Rob had enjoyed silence in my absence - this is good for him so he could also nap. I gave her a bottle while dad took a break at the coffee shop.
Evie and I later strolled to the coffee shop for a quick hello. She fell asleep coming back home and napped again for 2 hrs. Could this be happening? Dear God, I think it is! Its the perfect freaking day!
Evie then had a dinner bottle - bath and story before crashing out again. (I read her board books but she generally just tries to rub her eyes out of her head while fighting off sleep. I think the books are more for me at this point).
She'll wake again to take a late bottle at 9PM and will hopefully have yet another good night.
I swear. For every 2-3 horrible days... the clouds will lift and give us one fantastic day. Maybe its a sign of her getting into a routine finally. Maybe its due to approaching the situation more relaxed and take it as it comes.
I'm beginning to really and truly live the "day-by-day" way of life. I am trying to live "in the now". Trying to not look too far down the road and what may be. I'm trying to not focus too much on how the day went the day before in determining today's path (yes, I write about it but I really do treat the next day as a whole new possibility). If we have a bad nap... we have a bad nap. We'll try and get back on track as soon as we can. What more can we do at this point. I mean, besides kiss the Gods for smiling and raining down sunshine on our lives these last 24hrs.
With that being said, here's cornball photos from today. (Oh! And Evie sat up unaided in her bebe pod seat. This kid has one strong neck, lemme tell ya).
Looks nothin' like me
Hilarity
Baby loves strollin'
Sittin' up for the first time - alone!

Light at the end of the tunnel

Evie has been woken at 10PM for a "final feeding" for the last 2 weeks. She takes about 2-3oz's in between dozes. The last 3 nights she has woken at 4 or 5AM for her "midnight feeding". Which, got Rob and I thinking... let's wake her up at 9PM to push back that midnight feeding (so we aren't up 1-2 hrs before I get up for work).
Well, yesterday, apparently was an awesome day for dad and baby. She slept and ate great throughout the day (which made me feel relieved). I came home to her waking up for a dinner bottle. I bathed her while Rob grabbed a pizza. I read Evie a book (she feel asleep during it - perfect!) and it was lights out by 6:45PM.
At 8PM, she woke up starving. Gave her a bottle (half breast milk/half formula. No, not mixed together!) and she was out by 8:30PM. Rob and I were thrilled. We still didn't go to bed until late, however (10PM).
At 2AM she woke for a bottle. She unfortunately was WIDE AWAKE and playful until spitting out her pacifier at 4:40AM (I could hear her wriggle and giggle all night. It was rather cute but it kept me up!).
Evie stirred at 6AM but didn't wake until 6:30AM.
Who-hoo!
That's:
Went to bed at 8:30PM. Woke at 2AM. Woke for the day at 6:30AM.
This.... is reason to celebrate. Probably a fluke and/or short-lived but a miracle worth celebrating just the same.

Baby's first cold

Rob's comicbook partner-n-crime came up from SC this past weekend. He crashed out on our couch Friday night before the two of them headed up to Baltimore for the Baltimore Comic Con (convention). They stayed for one night and came back late Sunday night for one final night on our couch before heading up early Monday morning.
He brought with him - a box of kleenex.
For his cold.
His awful, awful, snotty cold.
He left us with his cold.
His awful, awful,, snotty cold.
I came home after work Monday night to Evie chugging away like a raging rhino. Her breathing sounded like she was about to charge... and she was charging under water. Poor kid. I sucked out 1 mL of snot before feeding her (cause how the hell is she going to breathe AND eat?). She seemed OK with it all. Mom was beginning to understand how mom's feel when their baby is sick.
Tuesday morning. She began throwing up ALL of her feedings and spent the better part of the night before whimpering because (as I think) she was starving. It was horrible. Made me heartbroken.
Rob took her into the doctor. she has a cold. Just a cold. No real cause for alarm (our doctor and nurses seem pretty laidback about many things... I think they know first-time moms beat themselves up plenty without them sending you into a deeper panic). She had a slight fever of 99 but was going to be OK.
Phew!
She already seems a wee bit less snotty. But still warm.
I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. At least its just a little cold.
I think I'll be OK. ;-)

Oh, and she was weighed, too. 12lbs 8oz at 10 weeks old. Man! I knew she was headed to being a chunk-a-chunk but now I have confirmation... she got this from me. I'll have to post my baby photos sometime.

How to live life as a zombie

Its amazing how you can learn to survive on 3hr sleep cycles... 8hr runs with absolutely no nourishment... upwards of 24hrs with no shower... you can't remember if you brushed your teeth or not... and manage to hold a fulltime job.
I can't believe I officially got hired this week.
I am. A zombie.
I was a fulltime contract worker for almost a year (it would have been 1 year the first week of October). I returned from maternity leave with a fulltime employment offer. Who-hoo! Benefits like "flex time," here I come. Thank God they offered this last week before the sleep deprivation + work kicked into full gear. 'Cause this week,... I'm a basketcase.
With my new employment status I received 2 huge projects both due Monday. Impossible on a good day, I must admit.
I also decided to bring in the pump and see if I can't "try" to keep up with the breast milk + supplementing. After attending a friend's football gathering this past Sunday, I felt HORRIBLE when a Russian mom with her 6 month old said, "So, young to be weened!" when she saw me giving a bottle to Evie. Of course, she had also opted for a homebirth—clearly she deserves more of the mother-of-the-year-award than I do (you all know what I mean be this statement, don't send me comments like I am beating myself up... that statement was not a put-down on myself!). But, she made me feel like crap not by her comment but because I do feel like crap... and it bubbled to the surface after the comment. That, and EVERYONE in my prenatal yoga group is nursing. And they all had babies before me... so I gave in early without even giving it the ole' college try with a pump at the workplace.
So, insane workload + 5/6hr night's sleep (tops!) + stopping to go pump in a small room downstairs + maintaining a home after work = zombie.
I think I'm doing alright. Well, who are we kidding, I feel like I did in high school when we'd all stay up ALL WEEKEND long for prom just to see if we could do it... thus nearly killing ourselves at school the following Monday. You are in such a fog its almost intoxicating. Its almost better than pot (from what I've heard. I'd never touch the stuff...). I feel loopy.
And yet, I really could go for a day/night away to a lodge out in the middle of NO WHERE with no phone, no work and no conversation to be had... just a massage followed by an 18 hr nap.
One lesson I have learned from all this? Never ask people "Are you sleeping through the night?" Its like a gentle reminder than NO... you aren't... and they just did last night.

Prenatal Yoga Group Reunion

I took Prenatal Yoga classes from the first of the new year (first week of January 2007) through June... I think it was about 16weeks in all. During that time, the group of girls really got to know what another. We were lucky, in that, all of us were new and due about the same time when classes began in January after the instructor had part of December off on holiday. I was the one due second-to-last (July 10th) with most of the girls due in May.
One by one the girls would stop coming to class and someone would have heard they had a boy or girl. Eventually we created an email list so we could send out "baby alerts" when we had our baby. It was pretty awesome to get a nearly weekly email of mom + baby. It was my ray of sunshine in my inbox, "there is a light at the end of the tunnel!"
Two girls sent out an email suggesting we meet at the local coffee shop with babies in tow. The turn out was great (3 moms are missing in this reunion shot). To see one another slimmed down was pretty wild. To see what their babies looked like after watching them get bigger and bigger all those weeks... was really cool. This group was one of the highlights of my pregnancy.

Back to Work - Day Three

Well, its not so bad. For me. Poor Rob.
Day 1: Baby goes to bed the night before a little late and we hit the bed by 11PM. Rob takes the 2:30/3AM feeding (which, take about an hour with feeding, burping and changing poopy diaper). Baby wakes up early than anticipated - 6AM. I get up to nurse and I'm feeling pretty good. I have plenty of time to get ready and even find 15 minutes to eat breakfast while playing with Evie so Rob can shower. I tear up with the kiss good-bye and its off I go.
Work is a lot of talking and no real work.
I go out to lunch with 2 co-workers. I leave at 5PM and don't make it home in time for the evening nursing (have to pump). Its a little hectic and Rob... looks ravaged. I do 2 loads of laundry, we eat the casserole I made the night before for just this occasion, and I clean up little messes throughout the house while Rob naps for an hour.
Evie goes down around 10:30PM or so. I offer to take the midnight shift - I have energy!
The midnight shift hits around 2:30AM and... begins well. After 4oz with no burps... she pukes ALL of it up. It rolls all down her... all over me... and we are a total mess. I have to change her (and clean her up-its all over her hair even). I strip down. I try to give her the last ounce so she at least has something in her system. I do sink laundry and leave the bathroom draped in wet, puky clothing. I get back to be by 3:45AM.

Day 2: After 2 hrs and 15 minutes, its 6AM and Evie is awake. I'm... not. I go and grab her to nurse and I am no longer energized after my night last night. Rob wakes up to join us and I move on to getting ready. I still find 15 minutes to eat a bagel while Rob showers. I head out and get to work maybe 5 minutes late.
I call Rob at noon and Evie has been up since I left. He hasn't eaten yet. The train is beginning to derail...
There's nothing to eat at home (that's convenient or fast). I leave work at 2PM to do grocery shopping. I lug it all back to the office and stuff into the corporate fridge. I eat a $1 frozen entree... I'm not even hungry.
I leave at 4:45PM hoping to make it home in time to either nurse or relieve Rob. I do neither. I get there at 5PM and there's really nothing I can do to help out. Rob sprints for the door to go to the coffee shop - sanity break. I nurse Evie a little and she is in/out fussy till 8:30PM (when Rob gives her a few more ounces). Maybe she was just hungry ALL DAY hence the non-stop fussing and no napping. I pump late but still manage to do a load of laundry (the puky clothing from the night before), vacuum the dining room, run the dishwasher and pick things up.
Evie goes down by 10:30PM and we crash not too soon after. I don't think I kissed Rob hello or good-night.
Rob takes the midnight shift since I am a bitch from no sleep and he's much better at it then me. She wakes up at 4AM.

Day 3: I lay awake at 6AM. Silence. Alarm goes off at 6:30AM. Still, silence so I hit snooze. I get up at 6:40AM to pump (why wake the baby?). Evie wakes up while I am pumping. I finish and get her up at 7AM. We eat... and poop... its 7:15AM and I have an hour to get out of this house. I wake Rob to have him finish the bottle. I never even feed this kid anymore. This, is beginning to suck. Evie lights up with dad. She smiles with me, but I think she is just being polite to this complete stranger.
I do a load of baby things for Rob. I get ready (I'm going to work with wet hair). I make a sandwhich for lunch but cmpletely forget about eating breakfast... at least I remembered to brush my teeth. There's no time for Rob to shower and I leave him in my wake as I get in my car at 8:30AM. I should be at work now.

Only 3 days for the whole routine to crumble. Not bad.

Hi ho, Hi ho, Its off to work I go...

Let's just admit it. I would make a terrible stay-at-home parent. I completely lack the self-discipline to get up on time, to take a shower like a normal human being, to eat breakfast, to brush my teeth... to basically get an organized day together outside of the routine structure that the office environment facilitates.
Hell, just yesterday I finally got around to bathing myself at 3PM and brushing my teeth for the first time that day.
*sigh*
Yes, I would not be very good at being left home alone. People would anticipate me to have Evie up and washed... dressed and ready to greet the day. I would need to go to the grocery store and make meals. I would clean the house regularly with a plastered smile on my face and get to know the mailman on a first name basis.
The last time I had this kind of airy freedom was when I was unemployed and Rob & I had just mved in together. I did side jobs and freelance work while collecting unemployment. My endeavors began with great intentions but slowly... I became a dirty drunk by 3PM. Daily. And this rapid decline happened within 4 months time. I would promise Rob that I'd be showered by lunch and dinner would be on the table when he returned from work. What he came home to instead, was me blathering on endlessly (buzzed) with a margarita on the rocks and still wearing my pajamas.
The funny thing is, I'm the responsible one.
I crave structure. I need schedules and deadlines. I only function and operate when there is a deadline that must be met. A goal. Something to achieve by a certain expected place and time. The freeform lifestyle of a stay-at-home mom? I would fall apart.
So, today was my very last day on maternity leave. And it was, perfect. The kind of perfect like the last day before you put the family pet down. The one where Sparky suddenly seems youthful & happy... where you begin to wonder, "Maybe we shouldn't be putting him down? Maybe he is OK and the cancer/old age/arthritis isn't that bad. Maybe I am making the wrong choice and rushing into things..." And then you go ahead with it all... regretting it for a few days... maybe a few weeks... until you slowly begin to replay the last weeks of Sparky's life, realizing, you made the right decision afterall.
OK, maybe a bad analogy. But going back to work can seem like this horrible decision when you leave behind the baby. Let's be honest, I started my job at CC on October 3rd. I got pregnant that month and took the pee stick test on November 9th confirming my pregnancy. Since my period started on Ocober 2nd... I have, technically, always had Evie with me at work. And, being home with her these last 9 weeks, is a hard thing to leave behind. I will be, essentially, going to work alone for the first time. In a long time.
*sigh*
Well, the boys are over doing Fantasy Football so I must sign off for the night. Apparently, I am the one gumming up the works with the internet.
I bid you adieu and please, wish me luck.
I'll be driving to work tomorrow... with kleenex in hand.

Two months old

Evie smiles a lot now. Of course, not so much when I whip out the camera to capture the moment.
She's very observant and contemplative at times. Today, she was entertained in her Baby Einstein Activity Gym. This is all relatively new behavior... in just the last 2 or 3 days, really. She's begun to noticed the light up/musical star. She stared and silently giggled in response. Then she waited for it to go off again. This was both an exciting and not-so-exciting milestone for me. Exciting because she is really learning and growing up—able to understand things and beginning to attentively watch things/anticipate them. Not-so-exciting because this only marks the beginning to the endless sing-song toys she will want to play over, and over, ...and over again.

Evie-Peevy, Ivy and Sloane

L to R: Sloane, Evie and Ivy (w/coordinating moms).
Kent, OH stopped by en route to the Outer Banks for the week (lucky!). The men beelined for the beers and the backyard while the women tended to the children inside. It was magical in an early 1900's reunion sort of way.
House Full 'o' Babies is fun, fast and LOUD! Phew! Aren't they all so cute?

Hallelujah!

OK, I'm going to jinx this PURELY because I am going to boost about how fantastic yesterday/last night was.
Rob and I have had many discussions as to what the best approach is when it comes to getting Evie on a nighttime sleep schedule. Forcing her to wake up and eat was not truly working since it left us with feedings like 5AM-5:30AM... nap for 15 minutes... fuss until 6:30AM wanting another feeding. We were fighting a biological clock. If only we could reason with Evie. But, when can one ever reason with a baby? I still can't reason with my parents—but that's another story for another day.
Yesterday Evie ate at 5:30PM (she usually likes to eat at 6PM). Then again at 9PM (and hey! We didn't wake her for it - she did that on her own). She fussed a long bit before crashing at 10:30PM. Then, get this, 3AM is wake-up for her next feeding. Can you do the math? That's a 6 hr run in between feedings! THAT, my non-child havin' friends, is what the medical community refers to as "sleeping through the night". Fuck yeah.
So, Rob slept from 11PM until 6AM and I slept from 11PM-3AM & 4AM-7AM. For once, I think I'm tired from too much slept. I'm used to operating on 4 hr nights lately. Hell, I was wide awake at 3AM.
Life goals and life needs really do change when you have kids.

It's... wonderful.

Parenthood, that is.
For every blissful day, there are 3 sleepless nights leaving mom and dad d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g.
Yesterday we went to the Science Museum (located right here in Richmond). I brought the camera but didn't take any photos 'cause, frankly, it sucked. When you live in the state capital... which is located right next to our nation's capital... you notice that people just don't bother to put anything cool in your city. Cool bands, exciting events, amazing museums and traveling shows always hit DC over Richmond. Its only 100 miles north of us. Its sad, too, because our Science Museum is located in the main train station from the very early 1900's—a very cool building. But the poor graphics, hand-me-down displays, outdated tutorials and dim lighting made me feel like we attended someone's basement hobby. I dragged Rob & Evie through every inch of that place for over 2hrs for two reasons: to ensure I never bother to attend again after seeing it all during this trip and to STAY OUT OF THE HOUSE! I'm so housebound...
We are trying to switch up Evie's sleep cycle to more closely match those of a HUMAN BEING and not a BAT. After aggressively waking & keeping her awake the day before yesterday... we left ourselves with a real hodge-podge feeding schedule (yes, hodge-podge). So, the morning before the museum I think she ate every 2-3 hours instead of her old every 4 hr routine. Getting out of the house with her fed, happy and alert was virtually impossible. So, we settled for fed and happy. When we got to the museum, she was in and out of sleep the whole time. Evie was not happy with this at all.
Evie was so unhappy with our manipulations that it resulted in her crying regularly all evening long. She couldn't be consoled. She would eagerly take the pacifier to soothe herself, roll her eyes back into her head and then drop the pacifier within 10 minutes... crying. What does one do in this instance?
After we each had a beer and dad moved onto mixed drinks, I tried nursing her (yes, I waited 2 hrs before nursing). The problem with the nursing/formula feedings that I am doing is that I have NO IDEA what she is getting when nursing. Within the hour, she was acting hungry again. She took maybe 2-3 oz more of formula after fussing for more to eat. She was challenging to get down but finally crashed out by 7PM. BUT, we had to wake her at 9PM to keep up with getting her on our sleep schedule. One that doesn't leave mom feeling like a zombie bitch and one that doesn't leave dad throwing things while contemplating if he really does want to be a "family man".
Evie had nothing to do with being up at 9PM. A forced 2.5oz later, she went down. Hell, she was never up and ate in her sleep if you ask me.
She is SUPPOSED to then wake between 1-2AM, eat, and then wake up at 6:30AM to be nursed.
She ACTUALLY woke at 1AM, ate, and then woke up at 4AM. We pulled her into bed with us and tried to coax her back to sleep. Around 5:30AM, Rob was about to walk out on us. Walk out on me for being so pig-headed as to try to get a schedule to adhere and walk out on Evie for the consistent grumbling, kicking and gurgling (she tends to grunt the last few hours of the night. She isn't quite awake but probably wants to be. She tends to leave her eyes tightly shut and just kind of squirms until we pick her up signaling its time to get up. She's done this since birth). I stomp my feet into the kitchen to make a bottle of formula (keep in mind, I have always nursed at 6:30AM). I feed her lying down in bed and she sucks down 5oz. I burp her—nothing. I lay her down and *brap!*, she gets sick all over. Now we are really going to scream. In fact, I do have a meltdown.
Dad takes baby to change her while I huff in circles around the house. I want to go back to bed and yet don't want to dump all this on Rob. Then again, I do want to dump all this on him cause I can't handle it this morning.
Rob picks her up to put her down again. *brap!*, all over herself AND him.
*Fwap!*, Rob throws his shirt against the wall and begins to change her outfit again. I get up to do laundry... trying to "help".
We realize she is just up for the day and Rob goes in the living room to watch TV with her. Its 6AM.
I lie in bed unable to sleep from shear exhaustion coupled with a hot brain.
Around 7:15AM I hear her crying. She had fallen asleep but was up again.
I get up to pump (cause I didn't get to nurse at 6:30AM. 4oz, not bad. Maybe I can occasionally still supplement formula with breastmilk afterall. I'm thinking of this as the equivalent of a $5 coupon off a can of formula). Evie is having nothing to do with sleeping. She had fallen asleep on Rob's chest but was now up, again. We tried laying her in her crib from 7:30-8:15AM. She wanted to sleep - she is so tired. But would spit out the pacifier and wail. I finally went in to rock her to sleep. It was difficult but finally worked. She cried again at 9AM. What. the. hell?!.
Rob warms a bottle cause we do not know what else to do. I get her medication ready and we go in their armed to find out what she needs. Get this, she's out cold.
*sigh*
Half hour later, up again! I feed her the medicine and 5oz bottle. We then play before bathing her at 11AM... cause now I am noticing she is developing excema on her one cheek and is rubbing it feverishly. The pediatrician tells me to keep it clean and free of oils (I had just finished putting baby oil all over her face before I call the doctor, hence the 11AM bathtime).
One bath and 1 hr nap later... she's up! We don't know what the hell to do. Feed her? Why not! 3 oz later and she is wanting nothing more to eat and is awake.
Why do I feel like she is newborn ALL OVER AGAIN?

8 weeks

Dear Evie,
Phew! 2 months (well, 8 weeks. You'll "offically" be 2 months in another week. Let's not get ahead of ourselves...) have flown by.
I have been working on your baby book little by little these last few weeks 'cause, let's be honest, it will never be touched once I return to work. I was entering in some details about the "things you do" at 1 month old... and I have already forgotten. My mind is cloudy - I am in a babyland fog. I can't remember when you did what or why we came up with the nickname "birdie" for you (its becuase you made chirping sounds all the time but I can't for the life of me remember wht they sounded like).
I find this forgetfulness funny and sad. Its all moving so quickly and my foggy brain is trying to protect me for realizing just how fast it is all going.
Evie getting ready to go to grandma/pa's house. 6.5 weeks.
Besides the obvious milestones you have accomplished at this point—you have succeeded in many other things worth mentioning.
First off, you are quickly becoming the chunka-chunk your mom was when she was a baby. Topping the scales at 10lbs/14oz's at last check up (Friday)... you started at a humble 7lbs/5oz's just 8 little weeks ago. You dropped a pound at first but rebounded a nearly 5lb gain in 2 months time. Holy. Moly. One would think you grew a lot during this time to justify such weight gain. Not really. You grew 2.5 inches. A modest sum.
You outgrew the cute hand-me-down onesies Duncan passed your way. No longer in the "newborn" category, you are able to wear the occasional 3-6 month variety. Yes, you are still in your 0-3 month onesies - you aren't that huge... but I am really surprised how one day it fits and the next day it doesn't. If only adult girls would relish in the joy of moving up sizes as rapidly as you are.
Grandpa and Evie You started sleeping long stretches of time when we went to visit grandma/pa last weekend. Mom and dad even got a chance to get out and watch a movie together —first time we have left you anywhere. It was a perfect weekend, really. Then we drove home (a bit of a hellish drive with filthy bathrooms to change your poopy diaper & trying to warm a bottle that ended up not being enough for you to eat). The night we got home was filled with endless crying (from all of us) as we wanted to return to the grandparent's house where everything was delightfully wonderful for 3 days.
Your long stretches of sleep slowly became long stretches of afternoon till midnight stretches. Then you'd wake up at 12AM, 3AM, 5 AM and 7 AM. As for the time in between; you would fuss for over an hour constantly dropping your pacifier. It was a rather brutal week last week. By this past weekend, after seeing the pediatrician on Friday, I decided to start waking you up (everyone keeps telling me to not wake a sleeping baby but won't tell me why) and to keep you up as long as I can during the day. It seems to be working... but I can't get you to sleep those 5 hr stretches at all anymore. It would be so wondeful if you only had 1 night feeding, but 2 isn't so bad I s'pose. Its the 10 minute cycles of fussing for your pacifier all-night-long that kills me anyway.
You went to the auto dealer with us last week and you were an angel. You hung out with daddy for hours while he fed you a bottle and then drove you around till you slept. We all slept great that night. We were all drunk with the exhaustion of negotiating all day long I guess. Maybe we need to go out and make asset draining purchases more regularly so we can all have great nights of sleep. In any case, your car seat fits in the new Jeep wonderfully and mom no longer slams her head into your car seat handle trying to fit you in & out a tight space. Its magical.
You've been mastering the silent smile these last few weeks. You open this big gappy mouth of yours in reaction to our smiles. It really DOES... melt my heart. You make this quiet breathy sound when you open your mouth, too. Its really so cute. The whole room was silent when you first did it one morning and I... was.. hooked. I keep trying to capture it on camera (a quick movie) but you give me blank stares when I put this shiny metal box into your face and then the moment is gone. I hope I never forget it if I can't capture it.
Evie discovering her gym You don't quite "play" yet. You enjoy watching. You are better at sitting on my lap and simply observing for longer & longer stretches of time. You did "see" yourself in the mirror of your activity gym 2 days ago and instantly shined. You're getting there. We just have to remember to teach you HOW to play. We are starting to pull things out each day to see what you enjoy. So far, it isn't much or for very long.
Today I tried to soak all of you in. I really tried playing my heart out with you and I held you longer than I have in awhile. You feel asleep in my arms while at a coffee shop and you feel asleep in the sling/carrier before dinner. I gave you a bath and sucked in the smell of your head after daddy calmed you down (you HATE baths). After your doctor mentioned the many things you are going to accomplish in just 8 more weeks... I am trying to slow this train down and thoroughly enjoy the things you do today (yes, even the yucky stuff like fussing or the boring stuff like staring at ceiling fans. What's with that, anyway?). Someday soon you will be a little toddler and all these baby "annoyances" will have disappeared. You'll be wanting to explore and crawl/walk away from me. You'll make huge baby food messes and you'll drool on everything. Today's mishaps will seem like a walk in the park then. I need to hold you tight now while I can before you want to kick off and play like I taught you how to do. Good thing you are teaching me... how to slow down.
Love, Mom

Breastfeeding

Well, I've made my decision. And, I STILL need to talk myself into this.
I've decided to ween Evie.
Why?
'Cause I am a horribly, horribly selfish person. I am not thinking about the benefits for Evie at all. Nor am I considering the family budget (formula is ex$pensive!). I'm not thinking about the work I have done to get myself to this state - the lactation consultant I had to go see, the mastering of the pump, the having no problems at all with Evie latching... the fact that I am a nursing master (aside from doing it in public). I am not thinking about what I should probably be thinking about in making this final of final decisions.
No. I'm thinking about... convenience.
I can't have more than 1 caffeine drink a day or its no good for baby. And sometimes, I'd like a strong cup of grande coffee after having nothing of the sort during those 9 months of pregnancy.
I want to be able to GO SOMEWHERE... anywhere... and not freak out about returning home to baby within 3 hours time. Or she'll starve. Or Rob will tap into my precious vault of 5 frozen bags of milk reserved for extreme occasions.
I want to be able to switch off with Rob for midnight feedings so at least one of us can enjoy a full night's sleep.
I want to be able to have more than 1 glass of wine after I have uncorked the bottle I am about to throw out in 3 days... 'cause I can't drink it all before it goes bad.
I want to be able to wear non-nursing friendly layered tops. Any top that I don't have to worry about dribbling on.
I want to no longer freak out about taking Evie out for the day, on a roadtrip, to a restuarant, to the store... fearing she may need to be nursed and I have to find a location to sit in for half an hour.
I want someone else to enjoy watching her eat and light up with a huge, happy smile after her belly is full. And I want me to be off continuing whatever activity it was I was doing at that time... without having to stop and feed.
I no longer want a sticky body. I no longer want to either feed or pump or suffer the consequences. I don't want to FIND somewhere to pump at my 3,000 employee establishment that, apparently, only has 1 wellness room for all pumping mothers to use one-at-a-time (and have to pump 2-3 times a day in that room on the first floor when I work on the 4th. I have to carry a big black bag down the elevator each time? I'd rather die, thank you).
I'm selfish.
I'm horrible.
I am next to tears at the thought that I am doing this.
I should be nursing cause I can. I should be nursing cause she loves it, I have no "real" problems with it, and its great for baby's health. I should be thinking of Evie's best interest and needs over my own. God, what a horrible mother I am turning out to be. And yet, I really cannot stand the thought of returning to work and pumping. I really want the freedom of not having to worry,"Can I eat this/take this/drink this while I am nursing?"
Somebody please tell me this is either the hormones making me feel so quilty or society's pressures that I am feeling.
Somebody please tell me that in 2-3 months this will all be yet another stage I have moved passed, problem-free, and that this is really a blip in the many things that await us.
Somebody please tell me that I am not a horrible, horrible person.

Mexican, Ole!

Rob and I tried to go out to dinner to a new neighborhood restaurant a few weeks ago. Evie awoke beforehand and remained terribly fussy, so we opted for a family restaurant instead.
We tried this neighborhood adventure again, last Saturday. We got dressed up (basically wore shirts with no spit-up on the shoulders) and strolled the mile out to the restuarant in mid-afternoon ('cause then there'd be less people to bother if she did cry). We arrived sweaty, thirsty and ... we were greeted by a "closed" sign. Son-uva-bitch.
We walked home and decided to throw Evie in the car to go to "Mexico" instead.
The SECOND I crossed the threshold of the restaurant, Evie pooped. Fantastic!
I carry the car seat (with Evie in it) to the bathroom and bring the diaper bag with us. There's only 1 other couple and an older guy eating in the whole establishment. I walk into the bathroom and the woman (from the other couple) is in there brushing her teeth.
"I know this is kinda gross, but I have to go to work right after this," she spits.
"Well, I have to change this kid on the counter since there's no changing station." I tell her.
"OK, that's more gross," she opens the door to leave but not before finishing, "You know, I was in this Mexican restaurant in Houston once, and this woman started breast-feeding in the middle of the place! No thank you! That's gross."
Door closes.
I look at Evie who is starting to get fussy since she's been disturbed so much. She is, ...now hungry.
"Looks like we are eating in the bathroom stall, Eve." I pick her up.
I leave the car seat on the counter and bring her & the messenger bag into the VERY TINY stall. The kind of VERY TINY stall where you can barely close the door without knocking your knees. And, since I am juggling a very flooby 6-week-old, I can't check the cleanliness of the seat before I just sit down on it. *sigh*. I really hope I didn't just sit, in my skirt, on a seat full of pee (or worse).
Evie does the red-faced grimmace (the slow... CRY! Cry! Cry! That comes when you've ignored her gentle sobs long enough). I quickly lift up my shirt and get her settled (her feet kicking against the stall door as she gulps).
I reach for my cell phone in the bag on the floor.
"Hi."
"What's going on in there?" Rob eats a chip.
"Well, it turned into a fiasco."
"I thought it might have," Rob takes a sip of a drink.
"Just get me a water and I'll be there as quick as I can."
"Take your time," *crunch*, another chip eaten.
*click*
I pop Evie off before she gets her fill, 'cause this could take up to 30 minutes after feeding on both sides, burping, etc etc. I really don't want anyone else coming in imparting their nursing "horror stories" while I dominate the stall.
Evie is agitated and I give her the pacifier ("A poor excuse for a boob, mom," she shoots me a look).
I settle in the booth and this is what I get from her. Ah, that's my girl...

(Note: the $#@*! onesie was created for me by some gal-pals during a baby shower game. even MORE appropriate given the photo's subject matter)

24 Hours, cont...

I was going to write in the "comments" field of my last post but had far too much to say to deem a comment)

We have received MANY ideas for putting Evie to sleep (yikes, that sounds a little too much like euthanasia ... we aren't quite there, yet).
I've heard the swing, white noise, vibrating anything (crib mattress or chairs), car rides and letting her sleep on your chest.
I still keep worrying that if any of these ideas DO work we'll be setting us up for disaster (like she'll ALWAYS have to have a magic vibrating bed to fall asleep). But maybe I need to let go of these notions cause they are holding me back?
I did read about some theories on colic and colic behavior yesterday in my "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" book. I don't know if we could truly call Evie "colic-y" but this doctor says all babies are colic-y with 20% presenting themselves as SEVERE colic. He thinks the nightime crying/fussing is a form of colic that all babies endure until the peak of 6-8 weeks old when it begins to decline. (Evie is 5 weeks and 2 days old). This, somehow, comforted me. Maybe it was knowing that I was part of a medical "norm" factor soothed me a bit.
I also called the lactation consultant last night because another one of my theories was that Evie, is in fact, starving at night and cannot sleep because she is hungry. (Thanks to C for reminding me to call her). Let me begin by telling you all that my consultant thinks I'm an idiot. No, really she does. I think she's great - she knows what she is doing and how to handle me (not a lot of professionals have the patience that I demand). And, the fact that she thinks I'm a moron doesn't bother me in the slightest - cause I AM one in the motherhood/boob-feeding department. I really do need things spelled out for me.
Linda, my consultant, had to remind me again that I need to relax, take naps, drink more fluids (hell, I drink coffee on our power walks in the 90 degree heat. I'm horrible at drinking water), and that Evie is probably doing 2 things: experiencing a growth spurt AND cluster feeding. Linda told me to stick with it - her demands will eventually get my body to make more and to just "ride out the storm". This type of night is not over... it will get better... and it will return again in the future. Just be prepared for it.
Sound advice.
I fed Evie almost every hour/ hour-and-a-half last night without wanting to leave her on the front porch with a "Take Me" sign. I, actually, felt sorry for her and I quit hating/holding it against her. I tolerated the wah-wah's and chaulked them up to it being hard for her... not that she wants to make it hard for me. This outlook REALLY did help overall and she quieted down by 10:30/10:45PM (yes, with the help of a swing, pacifier and a few close holding sessions). She then slept for 4.5 hours, ate & was awake for 1 hour, and then fell back to sleep for another 4 hours.
So, who knows. All I know is I want that 10-12 hour night sleep Meg is talking about. ;-)
Thanks everyone for the thoughts, ideas and well-wishes. It all helps me & keeps me from going completely crazy. Misery loves company even if you all are onto the next stage & no longer as miserable as me, ha!

24 hours

A called and said that it seemed, from my blog, everything was going smoother. That, in general, we seemed to be getting he hang of things and adjusting well.
I wouldn't say "smoother". I do think we are adjusting, however. Adjusting to operating on 3-4 collective hours of sleep a night, no longer being able to stick to one activity for over an hour, waking up earlier than the rest of the world because baby is WIDE AWAKE, tolerating endless hours of non-stop screaming following multiple pacifier drops, poop stripes that seep onto onesies (and you), and striping off one outfit a day due to projectile spit-ups.
Take the last 24 hours, for example:
Wake up at 6:15AM to Evie being hungry. Feed her and try to coax her back to bed just so mommy & daddy can walk amoungst the living after a horrible ALL NIGHT LONG crying fit. (Brief backstory: She had finally settled around 3AM and the 3 hours of sleep last night wasn't cutting it for us.) She did eventually go back to sleep and I woke up at 8:15AM to get ready for a "crafty brunch" at K's house.
I showered and got on make-up before the next feeding. Fed the baby again (and then pumped because I am desperately trying to create a 3oz bottle to freeze for emergency back-up & for when I return to work). Grabbed her baby book (this will have to be my "craft" at today's brunch), reloaded the diaper bag, got Evie in the carry case, grabbed some fruit I had bought for the brunch, load the car and... we're off! It is now 10:48AM. It took me nearly 3 hours to get our sh*t together.
Spent 3 and a half hours at K's. We ate once while there and we are ready for another feeding when mom decides to leave. We pooped twice and wouldn't really settle down unless held by mom. We are cute and interactive for a brief window and everything is OK (I never even opened the baby book).
Home at 2:45PM to eat and sleep. Mom naps at 4PM after fussy baby fights sleep for half an hour.
Mom wakes up at 5:15PM to make dinner, eat, and feed dogs. Baby is up at 6:30PM to eat. Feed baby. Baby is wide awake and doesn't like being idle... at all. So, we go for a walk with her in a baby carrier strapped to dad while Betty takes mom for a walk.
Storm ensues and we get home by 7:15PM.
Baby is awake after dozing on the walk. And she is... pissy. Not fussy, pissy. Time somehow elapses until 8PM when the Steelers are on... and baby is really starting up by now. I try feeding her again, this helps. But then she starts again. Dad tries consoling her while watching the game. This, doesn't a happy baby make.
By 9PM, I take Evie to the bedroom where I settle her on the bed with one dim light and no other stimulation. She cries non-stop. By 9:20PM, I try nursing her, AGAIN. This helps but then we start in with the crying, again. There's crying in between all the pacifier drops (this is like, every 10 minutes or so). Her cries aren't whimpers either. They are all out "wahs!"
By 10:30PM, mom is pissed off, too, and lets the baby scream. This, doesn't work, and begins to irritate mom. Mom sticks the pacifier in her mouth (baby sobs while sucking feverishly) and mom rocks the car seat (her bed since her "acid reflux" diagnosis) for 15 minutes. Baby sleeps. Mom stops rocking. Baby spits out pacifier and "WAHs!!!!" God. Dammit.
Mom whips out a boob - its her last defense and baby acts like she hasn't eaten in DAYS (again, its been 1 hour. The same time duration between the last 4 feedings. I have nothing but dust to offer at this point).
Evie sucks maybe 5X's in a minute... and is out cold. What... the... hell... is this? I leap for the lamp and go to sleep, too. I don't even bother telling Rob (who's on the couch). He's just going to miss out on sleep - not my fault.
Evie acually "sleeps" - she wakes 4 hours later for a feeding and then 4 hours again after that. Who-hoo!
BUT, when mom feeds baby at 6:15AM this morning (sitting up in bed propped up against her two bed pillows), Evie BLEECHS! all down the back of mom... onto her shirt, shorts, both pillows and yes, the bed. God. Dammit.
So much for "sleeping in" to make up for last nights all night long belly-aching.
Mom puts on her trainers and hikes around the neighborhood with the stroller for over an hour instead.
Another day has begun...