*** Diary of a miscarriage

So, I have been writing about my pregnancy since we had a positive home test on April 1st. I thought I'd "release" all of my story once we were "in the clear" to do so, but now, with the final diagnosis of miscarriage, now's a good a time as any to post all those notes.

I have conveniently back-tracked and labeled all the the entries pertaining to baby X with "***" in the headline... feel free to go back in time to the first entry on April 1, or, feel free to avoid them cause you don't like potentially sad stories.

Today was our 3rd, and now final, sonogram.
Today was a follow-up to seeing a heartbeat just a week and a half ago.
Today was going to be a day we finally measure this kid to find out a due date.

Rob had to wait in the lobby on this visit since Evie's sitter is on vacation this week (and we forgot when making the appointment). Evie and Rob sat with a pile of books & goldfish in the waiting room while I sat in the sonogram room with video camera in hand. Yes, I had my iFlip with me. I was going to document it all to show Rob later since he was going to miss it while looking after Evie.
The lights went on, I hit "record," and now I can forever remember the words, "You see this here? The yolk sac that was nice and round last time? See how its now misshapen?" That comment then gave way to, "And over here, I just see some tissue and some calcium... I no longer see the heartbeat we saw last time. (pause, pan to the other side) You can see some placental tissue over here..."

I just kept the camera on. Silently. Taping.
I think it was a way of keeping focused on not saying something stupid. A way of treating this situation as a complete scientific situation and not the heart breaking moment it would be moments AFTER the DNC would be over. He looked around for awhile and said a few more things about what he saw. He didn't have to, I saw it all right away, too.
He stopped.
I stopped.

"Well, I guess now's the time where we talk about what our next steps..."
I cut him off.
"DNC. I want a DNC. I don't want to wait for anything, anymore."
He nodded and got exactly what I was driving at. He knew I wanted to be far removed from any part of this situation and to be teleported to anywhere, anytime far, far away from right here.

"We'll talk with Tammy (his head nurse) and set something up for Monday." "Wah-mwah-mwah-mwah," I honest to God heard nothing but inaudible talk after that as he told me about not eating before surgery... about how he knows my body can do this so there can always be another positive situation....
I cut him off again, "When can we try again?"
"I'd like to see one full, normal period and then after that."
"I know its stupid.... and selfish.... but,... I never wanted to have kids too far apart in age."
"Its not stupid! Everyone has plans. Look, we'll get you back on track and if you'd like to talk to a specialist right away to make sure you guys are turning over every stone to ensure a healthy pregnancy, you go right ahead and call."

I start to tear-up cause the thought of starting over has me sick. We've been trying for one full year for this. We tried for 2 1/2 years for Evie. I begin to add up the numbers in my head and question if I ever even want another kid. I question how I've let myself go all this past year instead of focusing ON ME all in the name of " trying to have baby number 2." I'm fatter than I've ever been, I never go anywhere with the girls, I put off a trip to Chicago... my head is spinning. The ferris-wheel of crazies has me captured. I break free. I'm back in the room and my pants are still off while a doctor is talking to me. I nod feverishly to anything he says in the hopes he'll soon leave.
He soon does.
On his way out he adds in a soft tone (trying to be helpful), "You have no dietary restrictions at this point."
"Good," I quickly add, "Cause I plan to get drunk tonight."
He laughs.
I pinch my eyes shut tight to pop out the tears I had been balancing on my lower eyelid, wipe them away and walk out in a very business-like, matter-of-fact sort of way.

I wait for the head nurse at the nurse's station. I tell her flatly I need to scedule a DNC. She offers condolences and I nod (holding back tears). She says she'll call me with a confirmation this afternoon. I turn and there's Rob... totally innocent and unaware of the news I had yet to share. I simply shake my head "no" and he looks shocked. He looks shocked in the sort of way you watched someone swipe a candy bar out of your hands. Sweet and childlike. He was holding Evie... it was hard for me to hold back tears then... but I somewhat succeeded.

I checked out, paid my co-pay and got on the elevator. I joked that I planned to have a drink tonight. Rob suggests Mexican lunch and margarittas. Excellent plan.

In the car, on the way to the restuarant I tell Rob, "You know, I'm angry."
He says he understands.
I tell him, "I mean, I'm 40% sad but 60% angry."
I stew for a short while.
Evie heard me and responds from the back seat, "Mommy? I'm so so sorry, mommy. Mommy? I'm so so sorry."
I finally cried. She has absolutely no idea what impact her perfectly timed words have.
I swallow, wait and thank her.

We get home after lunch to a flurry of nurse calls.
I solidify my appointment for 11:45AM (be there at 10:15AM) on Monday.
Its almost all over.

Miles' Turns 3: A Birthday Party

Let's start with a snack...

Legos are fun!

Everyone gets down to business...

Hide under the table!

C'mon Kendall, join us!

Yes! Cupcakes!

Open presents, teamwork!

Hungry, Hungry Hippos!

Game on...

Time for hugs good-bye!

Group photo time!

*** 2nd Sonogram - follow-up

Rob and I move about the motions at the doctors office rather fluidly after having just been here one week ago. I'm feeling good (since the bleeding stopped) and I'm trying on a positive attitude.

The nurse lists, AGAIN, all of my medical history... "c'mon, c'mon... get on with it!" is all I can think...

I undress waist down and wait for the doctor. He asks about the bleeding, the pregnancy symptoms I may now be experiencing or may have recently ended. I excitedly tell him that I had recently begun feeling more hungry and the bleeding was only 1 day. My boobs still felt big and I just had a good feeling that we'd see something. He seems happy to hear my positive attitude and "dives right in."

I grab Rob's hand.

We see a field of white... then the big black hole... then a splotch of grey floating in the middle with a very small, round yolk sac stuck to it... and a HEART BEAT! This is good, right? I mean, its a little slower than I recall Evie's being (the doctor picks up on my vibe and immediately says, "Remember it starts of slow and gains speed as it gets older...."). I ask how far along I am and he sys he can't quite tell a head or rump to take a measurement. I find this a little odd cause (counting on my fingers) I've got to be at least 7 weeks. I press him on, ""If you had to take a guess on age just simply based on the yolk sac, my period, the heart beat.... what would you say?"
He replies, "The 5-6 week range,"

Hmm, odd. But still, he seems OK with what he sees so maybe I ovulated late or maybe I don't know as much as I thought I knew. I sit back and give in to the expertise and ask when we need to come back. The doctor asks for 10 days (yipes, that's a long time!) and we settle on the following Friday (today being Wednesday). So, 9 days.

9 more days to wait.

*** the 24hr wait

In 24 hrs I'll be sitting in the wait room waiting to go to the doctor's room where I will, again, wait to get a private room in order to wait for the sonogram room...and a chance to see what is happening.
All this waiting, for a very impatient person, makes for a basket-case to deal with at work & at home...

My stats so far:
• no bleeding or cramping all day Saturday (I chalk this up to severe nerves about suddenly miscarrying at a baby shower... I think I actually clenched up so tight nothing could get through even if a miscarriage was in process).
• no bleeding or cramping all day Sunday (is my luck changing? D sends inspiring text messages that speak to this maybe being a threatened abortion that passed).
• no bleeding or cramping all day Monday (I'm actually getting hungry today and some things sound great while others make me sick. Even Rob seems a little upbeat about all this)

*** Research to drive my moods about what may be happening

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_bleeding_normal_for_the_first_six_weeks_of_pregnancy

I read this shit and I think "WTF am I supposed to do? Believe? I'm negative and possible helping cause things to go South with my negative thinking. Then again, am I delusional and pathetic if I attempt to think positively?"

I didn't bleed at all yesterday and I have bled at all (yet) today as of 2PM... Good signs? Or just a temporary tapering off of the inevitable?

Terrible Three's are Upon Us...

We've had no less than 14 meltdowns in a given hour.
Most recent "discussion"?
We watched Tom & Jerry, then Blues Clues, the n the MOVIE (yes, how much friggin' TV is this?) Finding Nemo this AM. Evie doesn't really actually sit during all of this. Its more or less on while we colored and wandered around playing with various toys...
We then went to the park for an hour, played with the neighborhood girl for half an hour and just had lunch.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, Evie (exasperated sigh since she now begins every question with "mommy" and then will ask questions in a scattered, rapid-fire succession. I'm over this after the last 6 hours of questions asked all morning-long)."
"Mommy, I wanna watch a show."
"No."
"I wanna watch Yo Gabba Gabba."
"No, Evie, we need to pick-up daddy from the airport soon. No more shows."
"WHY?!. MOM - MEEEEEEE!!!"
She proceeds to frown horribly and throw herself to the ground as if sacrificing herself to the TV Gods... hoping they may reward this display of complete devotion to the television with a one half-hour sitcom of her choosing.
I walk away.
Evie then follows me room to room crying (real tears!) so that I can truly see what hurt I have caused.
I try and ignore it, cause frankly, we had the same fit over wanting cereal for lunch (which we already had for breakfast), wanting to ride her bike while crossing the street, when we wanted to put on her shirt by herself (after needing me to help her turn it around since it was backwards), and her not wanting me to brush her hair.

Boy, I can hardly stand the anticipation for what the afternoon may bring.
Pins and needles!

Moments later

*** Blood bath...

Everything seems fine when I got up this morning at 7AM. Tom & Jerry, cereal & bagels, shower and make-up.
Rob leaves for his trip... gulp.
A half hour later I pee and look down to see a rather "full" toilet. Its all speckly and sitting in the bottom and its not all that different from a period. *sigh*. 'This can't be good,' I say to myself as I clean-up and again raid the linen closet for a maxi pad.
I send a photo to Rob. Gross? Maybe.
A sign of not wanting to endure this alone? Definitely.

I call my dad and tell him to not hold his breath, it doesn't look good (to me) and I have yet to hear from the doctor.

My boobs are still swollen like I'm pregnant. I read about this online - it can take awhile for pregnancy symptoms to fade. I also read that by still having symptoms that this could be good because the bleeding is just a threatened abortion/decidual bleeding.

Egads, I just want to know so I can move on... either direction this fork of the road goes will be fine... just pick a fork already!

**Update**
I call the doctor and leave a mesage with his nurses at 2PM. I basically tell them to tell the doctor, "I've been bleeding thick, red blood (much like the very first day of a period) everytime I go pee. Go ahead and tell him not to worry about breaking any bad news to me when he does call. I can take it. I'm not feeling very good about this."
An hour later, 3PM, the phone rings.
"What's going on?" he asks.
I provide details... he really says nothing aside from introspective grunts that convey neither positive or negative opinions.
I really do like my doctor. I don't take this any way other then being scientific...
"How was the blood test results?" I ask assuming the worst.
"Well, your HgG levels were good (his voice goes up into a positive upswing. This must be good, then!). They were 1400 (I can't remember the specific 1400+ number). That's a good level that we'd like to see at about your timeline for being pregnant.
The progesterone levels... you'll remember I said we would like to see them at about 15? Well, they were a 7."
I deflate assuming this means I happened to go in for bloodwork at the precise moment this pregnancy stopped thus freeze-framing my numbers as both high and starting to downfall...
He quickly finishes during my silence, "But that's doesn't really tell me what could be going on. We will need to test again and wait & see what happens before we can tell if this is on its way up or on its way down. I've seen people go on to carry healthy pregnancies with a progesterone of 1!"
I babble something here about what should I do next.
"I'd like to see you again in a week. That way we can compare and see what's happening."
Me, "Bloodwork or sonogram?"
Doctor, "We'll do another sonogram and see if we can measure any changes or see any movement. Now, if you continue to have the bleeding and it developments into cramping.... if you pass the pregnancy, then we'll have our answer. Otherwise, we'll just have to wait and see."
Great. So I quickly scribble down notes on my mental chalkboard:
1. You miscarry over the weekend and pass a huge blood clot thus, giving you your final answer.
2. You experience no hard cramping, get to next week and find a non-moving & unchanged in size baby thus, giving you your final answer.
3. You experience no hard cramping, get to next week and find a slightly more developed & larger baby thus, giving you your final answer.

So, at the end of the call, the doctor concludes that I can call him anytime over the weekend since he is on call. I feel very relieved knowing this and I begin to brace for what will feel like a very long wait to see how my 50/50 odds will fall...

*** Sometimes time moves so slow...

Maybe it was the questioning whether or not I even wanted to endure another 9 months of pregnancy...
maybe it was that I kept forgetting my pre-natal vitamins...
or oogling the wines when Rob & I finally got our date night after 5 months of waiting...
or maybe it was that incredibly l-o-n-g walk all around Washington DC Monday night...

I woke up at 7AM to Evie shuffling into the room. I got up. I peed. I turned around after wiping a bright pink wipe... pink water.
"Oh no."
Rob from the bed, "What is it?!."
"Oh no!"
Rob, "No!"
"Yes."
That's it. Its over. I feel like the last 2 weeks have been 2 months of my life.
Between getting really sick over Easter (fevers/head aches. A severe cold or hay fever?), the skipping out on wine night, my birthday, our big date night, traveling to DC for a work seminar.... Gawd, how much longer was I going to have to wait before I could safely make the announcement and how much longer was it going to take to get to December 10th (the date the online pregnancy calculator spat out for me).

I went to the linen closet and dug up pads from when I had Evie... I never use these things and practically forgot how to even line it up in my panties.
I look up the doctor's number... 2 weeks from now was my 8 week confirmation appointment.
Doctor doesn't open till 8AM. I wait. I'm OK. Its cool. Its so early, its not like its some other devastating news that millions of women hear. I play house with Evie while Rob showers - I had informed him that he's going with me.
Rob is done showering and catches me at the moment it begins to hit me. I flee to sob in the privacy of our bathroom during a long, hot shower.
I decide to shave my legs... might as well give the doctor the red carpet treatment for what will ultimately be devastating news, right? I quickly feel stupid for having these thoughts. If you know me well, you know that's me. I pad my hurt with jokes. Only when I'm really upset do I clam-up and withdraw. I'm hardly ever at a loss for sarcasm and words...
Its suddenly, magically, 8AM. I call the doctor and get his nurse.
She asks about cramping - I never have cramping. I inform her I never even felt contractions when I was having them while heading in for a C-Section. I wouldn't know a cramp if I was having one. She says to get in at 9:35AM.
Rob takes Evie to the sitter's, walks the dog, and just as suddenly... its time to go...

As we walk into the doctor's office, I try to beat myself up mentally. I'm so stupid for doing this and that, I'm stupid to think this might not be what I know it is... God, why are you so stupid?!. I tell Rob I was pissed at the pending nervous chatter we'd inevitably share while waiting in the wait room. I also inform him of all the drinks I plan to have as soon as we leave. I quickly map out my afternoon so that I could be on a 5th round of drinks by 3PM... just in time for a nap before we must pick up Evie again.

We get there and quickly advance to the second of three wait rooms. A baby boy with a full head of hair fro licks on the floor while smiling wide for Rob. He playfully waves and I recoil. Go away you fat cherub... can't you see I want to sulk?

The hot nurse walks us in. I get weighed. I swear its 2lbs more than I was when I was just there 2 months ago. We get a room. She, again, goes over my brief medically history and tells me to have a great day while we wait for the ultrasound room. I start to cry. I fight it off. We, thankfully, don't wait long.

I quickly undress in the ultrasound room and Rob banters with me. I have visions of pools of blood suddenly forming all around me while I also try to concentrate to not allow that to happen in a public setting. My brain is fighting with itself.
The doctor softly knocks and walks in asking how I'm doing. I give him the recent overview of spotting... how I just have this feeling its not good since I'm not as tired or as hungry as I *should* be at this point... but my boobs are big so I know I am pregnant. He, thankfully, decided to get on with the show in lieu of playing theoretical games.

We turn on the ultrasound machine and I am quickly thinking back on how awesome this moment was with Evie. How I couldn't wait to be here in 2 weeks and how exciting it is to see that little white outline of a floating mini baby.
I see the big black hole and the doctor skips around it... I begin to think he is sparing me...
The doctor then zooms to the black hole... I quickly scan my memory for all the various prenatal visit photos I had been looking at on the Internet. I know what I should see and I don't see it. I start to go blank.
The doctor says he sees part of a yolk sac in the gestational sac... I ask if the baby is too small to see if it was there. He seems to agree with that sentiment. He then goes back to the big white fields and points out where blood is pooled. He explains it has no where to go - it will either re-absorb or "flush-out". No clue as to why its there and whether or not this means miscarriage. He says, plainly, that he can't call it and doesn't know if this will go up or down from here. I must have looked at him completely blank wanting him to make heads or tails of this. He said, "I'm not trying to sugar-coat this (I quickly cut him off and tell him I don't want it sugar-coated... to give it to me straight-up so I don't spend all night with false hopes)." He finishes by saying to keep good thoughts up while he sends us to the lab for blood work. Progesterone levels will reveal what's happening. If about 50 - its all good. If below, then we talk about a natural miscarriage or DNC. I say nothing. Rob, thank God, reads my mind and asks how long for the blood test results. Tomorrow, he says... and leaves.

I. lose. it.
I have to let it out.
I pull it together and dress for the lab.

The nurse walking us to the lab gives us a pep talk... basically reminding us that the fat lady hasn't sung quite yet.

3 viles are pulled.

And now, we wait.

*** Bleech.

I am literally over-analyzing every single day of this pregnancy so far. Nearly every one of my friend's has a miscarriage story so now, due to the sheer number of people I actually KNOW verses online statistics, is making me flip out that I'll wake up to flat boobs, a perk in my step and blood. I know, I know... morbid and sick thoughts to those of you who have never experienced pregnancy... but probably spot on to those that have (and happen to be insanely high-strung like me).
I did just have a brief wave of overwhelming exhaustion followed-up by nausia. Never thought I'd be happy about feeling hungover mid-day after having no drinks for a month... but... I am. And I also hope I don't feel that way again (but stay pregnant), is that too much to ask?
;-)

*** Prego Partner

Women always joke with fellow women,"Hurry up and get pregnant so we can do it together!"
Little did I know that telling N{name not yet released!} my news the day I found out would lead to her taking a test the very next day leading to her calling me the next night sharing her news, "Guess what?!."
The best part--> I found out first and yet her online pregnancy calendar shows her as due 4 days before me. Ack! Its a race to the finish with this old grade school chum!
(I only wished we lived near each other so we could swap sleepless nights stories over pedicures, alas).
Congrats N!

Little Potty Chair (no more?)

Well, we packed up the car (potty chair, too) and then ask Evie to pee one last time before we hit the road.
Evie runs to the bathroom yelling, "K!" behind her as I hear her race by creating a doppler effect.
Rob yells again, "And go poo-poo!" because, apparently, she's farting up a storm and needs to do that, too.
Moments later (literally, like maybe 10 seconds later) I hear, "Mommy! I go poo-poo on the potty!"
And well, she did.
I don't know if I'm impressed that Rob's got this kid potty-trained to poop on command or annoyed that we cleaned a little plastic potty chair to travel out-of-state with us (and, apparently, she doesn't need it anymore!).

*** Day 2 of having a positive prego test

OK, so the answer is "No," I will not be updating this daily until my secret is out... but everything seems to swirl in your head those first few hours/days... I just gotta get it all out of my head and labeling this as Day 2 seemed an important factor to consider in this timeline way of things unfolding...
Whatever.

So, I ran to Kroger last night to pick-up a few things. I also ran to Walgreens for another test (just to be sure... I took it today... same faint line but its there!). Did you know they lock-up pregnancy tests at the Walgreens in the ghetto? Unreal. I had to ask the pharmacy clerk to walk down the aisle with me and unlock the one on sale (I'm pregnant and frugal)... she asks if I needed anything else before she rang me up... in typically nervous-chatter I am known for, "C'mon, we both know people only buy other things to go with the test to hide the fact that they are buying a test. This is all I really bee-lined in here for.." She laughed, I'm funny - win=win.

When I was running around the grocery store it dawned on me what horrible, horrible atrocities await me with the arrival of a second kid. Diapers... wipes... bottles... bottle cleaning!... pacifiers... pacifiers hitting the floor in the middle of the night... strollers.... snacks.... possible nursing fiascoes should I try it again and keep up with it for awhile.... expensive formula... baby food jars.... and a diaper bag to carry everywhere! AUGH! I just ended ALL OF THAT! Evie can poop and pee on a big girl toilet all by herself now... carries her own backpack with snacks and can totally dress herself. Wah! What have I done? I took my freedom and balled it up in my fist & threw it over a cliff! Two words: Buyer's remorse.
*sigh*

We drove to Greensboro last night (to see my family for Easter) and I also cannot believe I am entering the family battle
zone with no refuge through a glass of wine. Its like running into a hail of gunfire bare-chested. Again, what have I done?
I watched Evie curl up in her car seat and softly snooze the second lat night leg of our trip home. She's all sweaty and hot when we arrive... she curls up against me seeking comfort in new surroundings after dozing in the familiarity of her car seat. Gawd, this kid is so great how will I seriously love a second one? She can't be topped - she's perfect. This kid's gonna hafta breath rings of fire on its 1st birthday to impress me after the awesome baby/toddler legacy Evie is leaving behind.

I start to fall asleep in my parent's guestbed. I'm on my side facing the window. It doesn't take long for me to quickly realize that my days of sleeping enjoyment are numbered and I immediately flip to my stomach.

*** April Fool's ... joke?

Yes, its April Fools' Day and no, its not a joke!
We have an appointment slated for April 12th at the Fertility Specialist... and maybe that's why they schedule you so far damned out ahead... they know when a Type A person is calling, frustrated that they've been trying for a year to no avail. The administrator tells you to come in 6 weeks from your phone call,... you finally relax and stop "caring" about "trying" so much thus, viola! Prego.
I'd like to take a survey and see how often this formula works on people.

So, yes, I have been (once again) inspecting the size of my boobs, over-analyzing the fact that I've had no insane cravings for chocolate, contemplating how often I've felt the urge to pee and wondered if I am tired from hay fever or prego tired. I go through this at least once-a-month so my habitual practices are just part of my pre-menstrual routine. Also part of this psyching myself up & down on whether or not I may be pregnant "this time", I generally give in to peeing on a stick the morning my period is due only to find myself with my period starting 12 hours later. I love to waste money as well as mental energy...

So, last night, I went through 2 empty boxes of pee-stick tests (I try not to let Rob see how often I do this to myself... I hide boxes like an alcholic hides empty vodka bottles) and eventually found 1 last stick. I squirreled it away in the bathroom drawer for this morning.

I peed. I watched. I saw the negative line appear (by-passing the positive line). I laugh AT myself for being so stupid. I flush the toilet. I look again. I see... a very... faint... second line show up in line with the negative/tester line.
You've got to be kidding me.
I grabbed Evie and threw on the Tshirt I bought 1 year ago as the way I was going to make my announcement to Rob. Had she not whined profusely at my removing her princess dress to throw on a huge Tshirt , the moment would have been more fairytale... but having a toddler is never fairytale and our story has never been picture perfect. But that, in itself, is perfect.
So happy today I'm glowing.

*** End of day update, I scooted home from work a little early today. I peed to find that very faint/slightly pink wipe on the toilet tissue known as implantation bleeding. Whoa, I am very early pregnant, but for me, that's the final confirmation... never seen/experienced that before but fascinating to see.